SWTOS HAS MOVED...http://getrelated.wordpress.com

WE HAVE MOVED TO WORDPRESS ... sorry Blogger.

2009-04-25T13:25:00.003-04:00

The new url for the SWTOS blog is http://getrelated.wordpress.com/

Please reset your bookmark to http://getrelated.wordpress.com/

Thanks to all who have followed on Blogger. I ain't abandoning Blogger altogether. Just like what Wordpress offers for SWTOS.

Check out the latest post on the APRIL EVENT:
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES: WHAT MEN MISS AND HOW WOMEN CAN FIX IT

MARCH THEME: Behind the Insanity of Relationships (or what the Drama re: Chris Brown v Rihanna Could Teach Us)

2009-03-22T19:07:00.005-04:00

A brother who came to the February event thought we might discuss the Chris Brown v. Rihanna scenario this Friday March 27th at the next event.

I Twitter or should I say I tweet @kyraocity. Tweets by author Toure twittering @ToureX captured some of the absurdity of it all for me. Check out his tweets since Mar 10th and FYI: "RT" = retweet or resent by current tweeter
http://twitter.com/tourex

I'm sorry to all who think I do too much CB/Ri stuff. It's just the most controversial, shocking entertainment news story of the year. 7:48 PM Mar 10th from TweetDeck
If the CB&Ri story was static I would've moved on long ago but it mutates constantly. And it's not gossip, it's law, DV, confused love...7:54 PM Mar 10th from TweetDeck
RT @brotherdarkness: most black intellectuals hold BET with the same regard Rhianna's makeup artist holds CB. [I agree.] 6:32 PM Mar 12th from TweetDeck
You can exhale now: I just heard there is NOT a Ri&CB duet on the way (at this time) Mar 13th from TweetDeck
Oh, Rihanna. Listen to Oprah! LEAVE THAT DOUCHE! We wish you loved yourself as much as we love you.4:41 PM Mar 13th from TweetDeck
No one's stopping CB's day in court. Why does my brain have to pause for lawyers? I've seen the pic. Real men don't beat up women.2:34 PM Mar 19th from TweetDeck
Chris & Rihanna are officially on a break. They're not calling it a breakup, just feeling they need some distance. Ya think? 2:09 PM Mar 19th from TweetDeck
To the little girls who absolved Chris from judgment bc Rihanna went back to him, now that they're apart, is he monstrous? 2:12 PM Mar 19th from TweetDeck

This Friday Mar 27th will be a night of sharing. No exercise planned per se but there is an intention.

THE INTENTION:
TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT'S REALLY BEHIND OUR OWN ATTACHMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS--THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.

I am creating a safe and open space to explore how this shows up for so many of us in relationships (perhaps we are not alone). We are not going to discuss Chris and Rihanna but rather ourselves in a safe way (that's the game I will create).

To get you started check out the YouTube video in the following link called HOW TO BREAK UP-TALES OF MERE EXISTENCE.

Success by Design: Enticement starts with your own willingness to seek

2009-02-16T13:33:00.006-05:00

I am just back from an AMAZING experience. A life changing experience. Attending TED2009-The Great Unveiling in Long Beach, Ca. I was selected as one of 40 fellows to attend this invitation-only conference of ideas worth spreading. I met Bill Gates and hung with Quincy Jones and many more. As the lyrics from John Lennon's song Imagine say "You may say I'm a dreamer" but at TED I got that "I'm not the only one."

Out of watching the TED Talks online for over 2 years I got I LOVE design. TED stands for Technology/Entertainment/Design but it's so much more. So this fab pic of the construction that has begun in Saudi Arabia on the King Abdulaziz Centre for Knowledge and Culture by Norwegian architects Snøhetta is but one example. Isn't it a sight!! Check out the TED Talk on Romance.

Design also applies to the way we view people of the opposite sex. We often have designs that do not create connectedness with the opposite sex. Like we are wired for distance. I just had a wonderful exchange with a sister who is coming to the new launching of SWTOS in Brooklyn next week (the fourth Friday of each month--Feb 27th at my place). She created an opening for Success with the Opposite Sex before she even came to the event.

I came up with a great idea for forward the gender parity I so love to create at each event. The regular fee is $10/person. Bonus: $15 for a pair of the opposite sex (and you need not be interested in each other).

I got an email from let's call her dreadsistren. Here is our exchange created like a Twitter feed:

@kyraocity Thanks for the info. The special rate sounds great but the only male I know that might want to come is a romantic involvement and I saw that you'd prefer we don't bring anyone in that situation.

@dreadsistern Hey! There are 6.7 billion people on the planet and half are males. Consider that you need to expand your circle of male friends. If I may, you might ask you male friend if he has any partners who might be interested in coming. Also you are welcome, if you are comfortable with it, bring your romantic interest. It's totally up to you. We have had couples join us. Your choice. But consider asking men you think are looking or lonely from work/ school/ or family too. You made me laught with you only know one man. LOL

@kyraocity lol. No, I said the only man I know who might want to come. I should have added also the only man who I think would concentrate on the conversations at hand and not just attend the event to try to get some booty. I know quite a few men but they wouldn't be interested in/or think it's necessary to try to expand their knowledge. As you know, many of these men out here already know everything. lol

@dreadsistren Got it. Maybe we women in their lives will be the catalyst for creating an environment where our arrogance doesn't blind us. Where the truth can be told. Both sexes need a change or two (it's a two way game and if we're not winning neither are they). Dating is one thing. Satisfaction and fulfillment--that's what SWTOS is about! So consider you might be holding them like they can't learn new tricks or you may be determining the answer to whether they are interested FOR them. Give 'em the choice and bring a few No's back as evidence. LOL

@kyraocity Point taken. I'm going to forward the info to some of them and see what happens. [Few minutes later...]

@kyraocity What I did was highlighted the info from the meetup page, deleted your phone number and only left the borough (no need for them to know unless they're interested in coming). I left the statement you have about the type of group it is and I added this:
I told the organizer I only know 1 male who might be interested in this but she told me to (rightfully so) leave the decision making up to the individual. So here's an FYI. This group is from meetup.com.
I sent it to males and females. I'll let you know if I get any responses.

@dreadsistren Awww! Thank you for your willingness to be related to the opposite sex! That's what I'm talking about. That was as good as watching the Obamas dance to "At Last"!! Don't it feel good too!? LOL

@kyraocity lol. I can't wait to see what folks have to say. Well, time for some dishes and my exercises. I'll get back to you later, hun. Have a great day!

@dreadsistren It's so inspiring to me and you now have a sense of what my events are about. Really making a difference in small acts and the simple pleasures of the opposite sex. I loved your honesty! I bet you'll be surprised by their responses. Even if they say no, be willing to be surprised about what you learn about yourself relative to men!

Hello 2009! It's a brand new world--Obama Time!

2009-01-18T12:01:00.003-05:00

I am about to run off to DC. Still seems like a dream that Barack Obama, Michelle and their two daughters will be living in the White House. Who woulda thought we would be painting the White House black from inside. LOL

This pic reminds me of what I want for relationships. It's not soething you have to put into words. It's there in their embrace. And in the world watching and getting who we truly can be. More than a sitcom called The Cosby Show. More than statistics. More than the odds. Simply said. Love. Acceptance. The fulfillment of our hope. The challenge to be who we really are. Everything and the place to create from - nothing.

Returning to blogging regularly here. I can promise once a week. And invite one of you to come blog with me here. Esp. a man!! Want both sides of the equation.

Happy Inauguration!! Love to the world.

We are moving to wordpress...stay tuned!

2008-11-24T17:50:00.001-05:00

I'll have the new address for you all by the end of the holiday weekend. Thx for continuing to visit!

It's been a long time...and breaking up isn't hard to do.

2008-10-13T23:38:00.004-04:00

Well, this fall I've found myself seriously reflecting on how I've backed myself into being overwhelmed by being nice, saying yes when I think I should, and not really pursuing my dreams. I miss singing more often, songwriting with Tommy more often, dancing. I really miss partner dancing from hand-dancing to the Lindy to salsa. I miss having a man in my life. Things have been brewing here and there but no real fire happening. I got my heart broken about 5 months ago and took all the time since discovering just how resigned and cynical I had gotten about being in a relationship. Finally got to the bottom of it recently and time to return to Success with the Opposite Sex. Why? Because I got intimacy when I was or was not in a relationship and that was the whole point. Keeping the conversation of intimacy alive for men and women to share regardless of your marital or relationship status. Humans need love and intimacy all ways.

Found this great series of YouTube videos under the title TALES OF MERE EXISTENCE. How true it is when it comes to most relationships for singles and for many married folks.

Tales Of Mere Existence "How To Break Up"

I started dating again. I am learning that dating is about one's own commtiment to being fulfilled. Not whether or not the person you are with fulfills you. It's also about insuring you are both fulfilled moment to moment. I am starting to date again. I am learning that dating is about being happy and having fun. I realized from my first date back on the scene...I've not been being as fun as I know myself to be in any other context. Time to make it happen. Bring out the positive flirtatation device. My true self be.

It's Women's Choices for Jobs Not Employer Discrimination that Affects her Pay

2008-09-28T18:39:00.005-04:00

Gender Bias and Income Disparity: A Myth?
Hoover Institution Senior Fellow Thomas Sowell argues that economic differences between working men and women are not generally due to employer discrimination, as is widely alleged. In this video he discusses his new book Economic Facts and Fallacies in which Sowell exposes some of the most popular fallacies about economic issues.

He argues since 1969, the variable of women who have never married or are tenured single female faculty, has contributed to disparities in pay between men. He argues women have chosen professions which allow them to have the leaway to take parental leave. He says being a computer analyst doesn't work. No one would let you off for parental leave for 5 years to have babies. This is absurd. So it's not discrimination about those of the human race who bear children. It's not the context that those positions discriminate about a woman's need for leave even if she is highly qualified for the position. It's that women choose to be librarians instead. Hmm. Ask Sarah Palin about that one.

Former Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers begs to differ with Sowell's line of thinking. In this clip she argues that if Barack Obama had the same resume and had been a female candidate, in the past, she would have been mocked out of the race. When I first heard this kind of criticism, perhaps it was what Geraldine Ferraro poorly attempted to argue, I didn't buy it. But Myers sells me on it because she's making an argument for the notion, which I have always argued, that race trumps gender and in the case of the Democratic nomination, Obama's masculinity actually trumped Hilary's gender. I like the way Myers makes the point much better than Ferraro. Ultimately, not being a white male is a deficit to constantly overcome for the rest of the population in the case of politics and practically all public sphere domains. Even the public library.

Hundreds of National Women Leaders Throw Support Behind Barack

2008-09-15T21:45:00.002-04:00

Ain't been keeping up here for a minute. Sorry if you missed me. You gotta let me know if you've been coming and looking and don't find me. That keeps me honest, you know. I love blogging and I manage two for my courses. This is my personal one. So I am going to work on a post a week here.

Let's talk the Gender Card in the election. Must read about Palin in the NYT today. This article paints her to be Bush and Cheney in a dress. Dare I say like two pigs with lipstick - LOL . Check out the article yourself: http://tinyurl.com/5jcg5o .

This is a Post from Amanda Scott's Blog:
Today, the campaign announced the support of hundreds of national women leaders in fields ranging from business to women’s rights, from astronauts to athletes, from former governors to cabinet secretaries. The support of these accomplished women demonstrates the depth and breadth of support for Barack and how his message of change is resonating with women across the country.
These women will be involved with many aspects of the campaign, sharing insight on their fields of expertise, carrying Barack’s positive message of change, discussing what’s at stake in this election and, where appropriate, pushing back on false attacks.

This list is long but its value makes up for my absence imho. Women for Barack!!

The national women leaders supporting Barack Obama include (list in formation; organization affiliations are listed for identification purposes only and should not be interpreted as the endorsement of the respective not for profit/corporate organizations):

•Liz Abzug, President, The Bella Abzug Leadership Institute, NY
•Clara Apodaca, President and CEO, Founder of the National Hispanic Cultural Center and Former First Lady of New Mexico, NM
•Roberta Achtenberg, Former Assistant Secretary, U.S. Dept. of Housing and Urban Development, CA
•Madeleine Albright, First woman Secretary of State, Principal, The Albright Group LLC, Washington, DC
•Nancy Altman, Author and national advocate for adequate and secure retirement for American workers and their families
•Katherine Archuleta, Senior Policy Advisor to the Mayor of Denver, CO
•Geoconda Arguello-Kline, President Culinary Union Nevada, NV
•Harriet Babbitt, Former US ambassador to the Organization of American States, Washington, DC
•Polly Baca, Former Colorado State Senator, former Vice-Chair, Democratic National Committee, CO
•Ambassador Elizabeth Frawley Bagley, Former US Ambassador and Vice-Chair of the United States Advisory Commission on Public Diplomacy, Washington, DC
•Raymone K. Bain, CEO, The Raymone K Bain Companies, LLC., Washington, DC
•Arlene Holt Baker, Executive Vice President of the AFL-CIO, Washington, DC
•Ann Bancroft, First woman to ski both the North and South Poles, MN
•Preeta D. Bansal, Former Solicitor General of the State of New York, NY
•Rev. Willie Barrow, Civil Rights Activist, IL
Martha Barnett, Former President of the American Bar Association (ABA), FL
•Jan BenDor, National Women’s Advocate, MI
•Melanie Benjamin, Chief Executive, Mille Lacs Band of Ojibwe, MN
•Andrea Bernstein, Former Senior Vice President of Oxygen Media, NY
•Gina Bianchini, CEO and Co-Founder, Ning, Inc, CA
•Margaret Blackshere, President Emeritus, IL AFL-CIO, IL
•Tamia Booker, Executive Director, College Democrats of America, MD
•Sue Bostrom, Executive Vice President, Chief Marketing Officer, Cisco, CA
•Crandall C. Bowles, Chairman, Springs Industries, Inc., SC
•Jacqueline Moore Bowles, National President of Jack and Jill, Inc.
•Barbara A. Boyd, Retired Newscaster,WRTV-6, First African American female broadcaster on television news in Indiana, IN
•Ellen Bravo, Author and activist, WI
•Donna Brazile, Campaign Manager for Gore-Lieberman 2004, Columnist and national political commentator, Washington, DC
•Beth Brooke, Global Vice-Chair of a leading, global professional services organization, NY
•Bobbi Brown, CEO and Founder, Bobbi Brown Cosmetics, NJ
•Kathleen Brown, Former State Treasurer, CA
•Elizabeth Bunn, UAW Secretary-Treasurer, MI
•Tory Burch, Creative Director, Tory Burch LLC., NY
•Anna Burger, Chair, Change to Win and International Secretary-Treasurer, SEIU
•Martha Burk, Author, syndicated columnist and a leading women’s advocate
•Iris Burnett, Author and former senior vice president, Corporate Communications and Public Affairs, USA Networks
•Bonnie Campbell, Iowa's first woman Attorney General and the first director of the Violence Against Women Office, an agency of the U.S. Department of Justice, IA
•Nancy Duff Campbell, Co-President, National Women’s Law Center, Washington, DC
•Sharron Caplan, Chair/Treasurer, Women’s National Democratic Club, MD
•Lisa Caputo, Former Deputy Assistant to President Clinton and Communications Director to First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, NY
•Ida L. Castro, JD, first Latina Chair the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the first woman Associate Professor tenured at the Labor Education Center (Rutgers University), the first woman to head the US Office of Workers Compensation at the US Department of Labor, and the first Hispanic to head the NJ State Department of Personnel, NJ
•Dr. Katie B. Catalon, President of the National Beauty Culturist’s League, Inc., SC
•Ellen Chapnick, Dean for Social Justice Initiatives, Columbia Law School, NY
•Allison C. Chin, President, Board of Directors- Sierra Club, CA
•Dr. Elizabeth Clark, Executive Director, National Association of Social Worker
•Emily Clyburn, Civil rights activist, SC
•Dr. Johnnetta B. Cole, President Emerita of Spellman College and Bennett College for Women, GA
•Lisa Collis, Former First Lady of Virginia, VA
•Bekki Cook, Former Secretary of State, MO
•Ertharin Cousin, Former White House Liaison for the U.S. Department of State, IL
•Gwyneth Cravens, American novelist and journalist, CA
•Ann Crittenden, Former economics reporter for the NY Times, Pulitzer Prize nominee, and Co-Founder of MOTHERS (Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights)
•Rev. DeLois Brown Daniels, Vice President Pastoral Care & Community Relations, IL Masonic Medical Center and first woman ordained Connecticut Missionary Baptist, IL
•Deborah Darrell, CEO- CUE, brand communications expert
•Rev. Leah D. Daughtry, Convention CEO & Chief of Staff, DNC
•Dominique Dawes, United States Olympic gold medalist and motivational speaker
•Ambassador Alice M. Dear, Former U.S. Executive Director of the African Development Bank, the first woman to represent the U.S.
•Sue Decker, President of Yahoo! CA
•Ann M. Delaney, Partner- Delaney and Delaney, LLC. The first woman to be nominated as a candidate for Lt Gov in Indiana and the only woman to chair the Indiana Democratic Party, IN
•Abigail Disney, Film producer and President of the Daphne Foundation, NY
•Rita Frances Dove, 1993-95 U.S. Poet Laureate and youngest and first African American Pulitzer Prize winner for Poetry, VA
•Donna L Dubinsky, CEO, Numenta, Former CEO/founder Palm, and former CEO/founder Handspring, CA
•Renee’ S. Dunman, Esq., President of the American Association for Affirmative Action, VA
•Linda Spradley Dunn, CEO and publisher, Odyssey Media, Inc.
•Maria Elena-Durazo, Executive Secretary-Treasurer, Los Angeles County Federation of Labor, AFL-CIO, CA
•Loretta Durbin, President- Illinois Women's Institute for Leadership, IL
•Rev. Marcia Dyson, author and political commentator, MD
•Maria Echaveste, Former Deputy Chief of Staff in the White House, CA
•Marian Wright Edelman, Child advocate, Washington, DC
•Sara Ehrman, Former Political Director at the DNC and Jewish community leader, Washington, DC
•Susan Eisenhower, author, strategist, and international affairs expert
•Susan Esserman, Former Deputy US Trade Representative, Washington, DC
•Judy L. Estrin, CEO, JLabs, LLC and author, Closing the Innovation Gap
•Leecia Eve, Former Candidate for Lt. Governor of New York, NY
•Dr. Haifa Fakhouri, Community Leader, MI
•Cecilia Fire Thunder, Past President, Oglala Sioux Tribe, SD
•Evelyn “Pat” Foote, Brigadier General (Retired), MD
•Stephenie Foster, Former Senior Advisor, Kerry Edwards 2004; National Director of Women’s Outreach, Clinton/Gore ’96.
•Frankie M. Freeman, civil rights attorney, and the first woman to be appointed to the United States Commission on Civil Rights
•Amy Friedkin, Jewish community political activist
•Cynthia Friedman, National Co-Chair, Women’s Leadership Forum, DNC, FL
•Ann Fudge, Former Chairman & CEO, Young & Rubicam Brands
•Kim Gandy, President, NOW
•Joan Garry, Former Executive Director of Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)
•Irasema Garza, Esq., Former Director of US Department of Labor’s Women’s Bureau, and current President of women’s legal advocacy organization, NY/NJ
•Alice Germond, Secretary- DNC and Former VP- NARAL Pro-Choice America, WV
•A’shanti Fayshel Gholar, National Vice President, Young Democrats of America and Secretary, Nevada State Democratic Party, NV
•Rev. Brenda Girton-Mitchell, Founder & CEO of Grace & Race Ministries, MD
•Nancy Gist, Former Director, Bureau of Justice Assistance, United States Department of Justice, Washington, DC
•Clare Giesen, Executive Director of the National Women’s Political Caucus, Washington DC
•Judy Gold, Former Chair of the Illinois Commission on the Status of Women, IL
•Ilana Goldman, Advocate for women’s political participation, Washington, DC
•Dr. Barbara Goldsmith, Noted author and historian and recipient of two Emmy Awards, NY
•Diane Greene, Founder and Former CEO, VMware, CA
•Marcia Greenberger, Co-President, National Women’s Law Center, MD
•Lani Guinier, First African American tenured professor at Harvard University, MA
•Sandra Polk Guthman, Philanthropist
•Beverly Guy-Sheftall, Director of the Women’s Research and Resource Center, Spellman College, GA
•Rev. Lucia Guzman, First woman and first Mexican-American to serve as the Executive Director of the Colorado Council of Churches, CO
•Alice W. Handy, President and Founder, Investure, LLC, VA
•LaDonna Harris, President of Americans for Indian Opportunity, NM
•Jane Hartley, CEO, Observatory Group, NY
•Heidi Hartmann, President- Institute for Women's Policy Research, Washington, DC
•Glenda Hatchett, Television host and National Best Selling Author, GA
•Dorothy I Height, Chair Emeritus, National Council of Black Women, Washington, DC
•Sherrye Henry, former director of the SBA’s Office of Women’s Business Ownership, NY
•Ann Colin Herbst, Author and educational advocate NY
•Mellody Hobson, President, Ariel Capital Management, IL
•Rhona Hoffman, President and Director, Rhona Hoffman Gallery, Ltd., IL
•Amber Hollibaugh, Senior strategist, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, NY
•Anne Holton, First Lady of Virginia
•Victoria Duffy-Hopper, Co-President, Sea Change Communications, CA
•Eleanor Hinton Hoytt, President and CEO, Black Women’s Health Imperative, MD
•Ambassador Vicki Huddleston, Former Deputy Assistant Secretary of State and Ambassador to Mali and Madagascar; Chief of Mission to Cuba and Ethiopia, NM
•Dolores Huerta, Co-Founder and First Vice President Emeritus of the United Farm Workers of America, CA
•Ambassador Swanee Hunt, Former United States Ambassador to Austria, MA
•Iman, Model, successful author, social activist, and entrepreneur with a global beauty and accessories line, NY
•Beatrice Infante, CEO, VoiceObjects, CA
•Alexine Clement Jackson, Former national President of the board of the YWCA
•Cheryle Jackson, First woman president & CEO of Chicago's leading civil rights organization, IL
•Valerie Jarrett, President and CEO of the Habitat Company, IL
•Rev. Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook, Author and Pastor-Bronx Christian Fellowship & founder Women in Ministry International and only Faith based appointed leader to the historic President's Initiative on Race and Visionary of Harlem Hallelujah, NY
•Linda Johnson-Rice, President & CEO of Johnson Publishing Company
•Michele S. Jones, First female Command Sergeant Major of the Army Reserve (Retired), FL
•Dr. Avis Jones-DeWeever, former Director of Poverty, Education, and Social Justice Programs for a leading nonprofit. Current Director of a non profit research organization focused on African American women's issues, VA
•Sheila Johnson, Co-founder of BET Enterprises
•Rachel Joseph, Former Chairwoman, Lone Pine Paiute Shoshone Tribe, CA
•Amy Kapcyznski, Assistant Professor of Law, UC Berkeley
•Roberta Karp, SVP- Business Development, Corporate and Legal Affairs, Liz Claiborne Inc, NY
•Nancy Keenan, President, NARAL Pro-Choice America, VA
•Caroline Kennedy, Author and attorney, NY
•Ethel Kennedy, Women’s advocate, NY
•Kerry Kennedy, International human rights activist, NY
•Melina Kennedy, former Deputy Mayor of Indianapolis IN
•Rory Kennedy, Award winning documentary filmmaker and producer
•LTG Claudia J. Kennedy (ret.), First woman in the army to be a three-star general and to be the head of army intelligence, SC
•Pamela Keogh, Bestselling author, NY.
•Maggie Kernan, Former First Lady of Indiana, IN
•Billie Jean King, Civil rights advocate, world class athlete, and Co-Founder, World Team Tennis
•Gay Kingman, Executive Director, Great Plains Tribal Chairman's Association, SD
•Ann Kolker, Founding Executive Director, Ovarian Cancer National Alliance. Washington, DC
•Kay Koplovitz, Founder, USA Networks and Former President of Lifetime, NY
•Madeleine M. Kunin, First woman Governor of Vermont and former Ambassador to Switzerland, VT
•Joan A. Kuriansky, Women’s rights advocate, Washington, DC.
•Daphne Kwok, Former Executive Director, Asian Pacific American Institute for Congressional Studies and the Organization of Chinese Americans (OCA), CA
•Dottie Lamm, Former First Lady of Colorado, CO
•Artis Lane, Nationally renowned sculptress and painter, CA
•Sherry Lansing, Former CEO Paramount Pictures, CA
•Laura Lauder, Jewish community advocate, CA
•Geraldine Laybourne, Co-Founder, Former Chairman and CEO of Oxygen Media, NY
•Aileen Lee, CEO, Danoo
•Debra L. Lee, Chairman and CEO, BET Networks, Washington, DC
•Eun Sook Lee, Executive Director, National Korean American Service & Education Consortium, CA
•Robin Leeds, Co-Founder, Young Women’s Leadership Conference, Washington, DC
•Dr. Gabriela D. Lemus, Executive Director of a national non-profit that represents Latino/Hispanic and immigrant workers both inside and outside of the labor movement, Washington, DC
•Bel Leong-Hong, Chair, DNC APIA Caucus, MD
•Dany Levy, Founder/Editorial Director, DailyCandy, Inc., NY
•Ginger Lew, CEO, Three Oaks Investment and Former COO and Deputy Administrator at the US Small Business Administration, VA
•Reta Jo Lewis Esq., Former Vice President and Counselor to the President of the United States Chamber of Commerce, Washington, DC
•Margo Lion, Renown Broadway producer and winner of 20 Tony Awards and a Pulitzer Prize
•Susan M. Liss, Former Counselor to the Vice President and Chief of Staff to Mrs. Gore, Washington, DC
•Theresa Loar, Vice President, CH2M HILL, MD
•Dr. Susan E. Lynch, First Lady of New Hampshire, NH
•Catharine A. MacKinnon, lawyer, scholar, and activist for women
•Ellen Malcolm, President of EMILY’s List, Washington, DC
•Patricia Madrid, Former Attorney General of New Mexico
•Wilma Mankiller, Former Cherokee Nation Principal Chief and first female chief of a major American Indian tribe, OK
•Vilma Martinez, Former President and General Counsel of the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and former Chairman of The Board of Regents of The University of California, CA
•Janice Mathis, Civil and human rights advocate, IL
•Laurie McBride, Co-Chair, National Stonewall Democrats, CA
•Ellen McCulloch-Lovell, Educator and Adviser to the First Lady for the Millennium Project, VT
•Reverend Dr. Vashti Murphy McKenzie, First woman elected and consecrated Bishop in the AME church
•Barbara A. McKinzie, International President, Alpha Kappa Alpha, IL
•The Honorable Elizabeth McKune, Former US Ambassador to the State of Qatar, VA
•Rev. Dr. Sherrill McMillan, President, The Garment’s Hem. Raleigh, NC
•Rev. Noemi P. Mena, Pastor Hispanic Ministries, National City Christian Church. Washington, DC
•Kate Michelman, Former President of NARAL, PA
•Jody Greenstone Miller, Founder and CEO, Business Talent Group, CA
•Heidi Miller, CEO of Treasury and Security Services, JPMorgan Chase, NY
•Pat Mitchell, President and CEO, Paley Center for Media, NY
•Regina Montoya, Former CEO, New America Alliance, TX
•Gabriella E. Morris, President, The Prudential Foundation
•Toni Morrison, Nobel Prize-winning American author, editor, and professor
•Karen Mulhauser, former Executive Director of the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL), Washington, DC
•Evelyn F. Murphy, Former Lt. Governor of Massachusetts. President, The WAGE Project, Inc., MA
•Katie Naranjo, President, College Democrats of America
•Irene Natividad, President and Founder, Global Summit of Women, Washington, DC
•Susan Ness, Former FCC Commissioner, MD
•Alice E. Nichols, Principal, Integrated Strategies International, Inc., MA
•Jadine Nielsen, Chair of a Pro-Choice women’s organization
•Christina Norman, Former President of MTV and VH1, NY
•Phyllis Elliott Oakley, First woman, State Department deputy spokesman
•Judy O’Bannon, Former First Lady of Indiana and two-time Emmy winning public TV host, IN
•Kathryn A. Oberly, Vice Chair and General Counsel, Ernst & Young, Washington, DC
•Karen O’Connor, Jonathan N. Helfat Distinguished Professor of Political Science, American University, Washington, DC
•Dr. Hazel O’Leary, Former Secretary of the U.S. Department of Energy
•Elena Ong, Former Vice Chair, California Commission for Women, CA
•Sara Paretsky, New York Times best-selling writer, IL
•Amy Pascal, Co-Chairman of Sony Pictures Entertainment, Inc.
•Rebecca M. Patton MSN, RN, CNOR, President of the American Nurses Association (ANA), OH
•Carol Pensky, National Co-Chair, Women’s Leadership Forum, Washington, DC
•Nancy Peretsman, EVP, Managing Director, Allen and Company
•Kim Polese, CEO, SpikeSource, Inc.
•Penny Pritzker, National Finance Chairman; Chairman, Classic Residence by Hyatt, IL
•Jonelle Procope, President and CEO, The Apollo Theater Foundation, Inc., NY
•Lois E. Quam, Executive- Piper Jaffray and Former CEO of Ovations, MN
•The Honorable Molly Raiser, Former Chief of Protocol, U.S. State Department, Washington, DC
•Hollis Rafkin-Sax, Former Vice Chairman Financial Dynamics/FTI Consulting, NY
•Theresa Gouw Ranzetta, Partner, Accel, CA
•Hedy M. Ratner, Women’s rights advocate, IL
•Mame Reiley, Chair, DNC Women’s Caucus, VA
•Dr. Susan Rice, Former Assistant Secretary of State
•Cecile Richards, Planned Parenthood Federation of America, NY
•Honorable Margaret Milner Richardson, Former Commissioner of the IRS, VA
•Julieanna Richardson, Founder and executive director of The History Makers, IL
•Dr. Sally K. Ride, First American woman in space and the President and CEO of Sally Ride Science
•Lynda Johnson Robb, President Johnson's daughter and longtime chairwoman of the National Reading is Fundamental Board, VA
•Sharon Percy Rockefeller, President of the Washington DC public TV station WETA, Washington, DC
•Desiree Rogers, Former President of both Peoples Gas and North Shore Gas
•Virgie M. Rollins, Chair, DNC Black Caucus, Past President of the National Federation of Democratic Women, MI
•Ruth Rosen, Pioneering women historian and a political journalist
•Hilary Rosen, President of Rosen and Company, political commentator and media industry consultant, NY
•Jane Rosenthal, Co-Founder, Tribeca Productions and Tribeca Film Festival, NY
•Malika Saada Saar, Executive Director, The Rebecca Project for Human Rights, Washington, DC
•Rev. Dr. Brenda Salter-McNeil, President and Founder, Salter McNeil & Associates, IL
•Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer, Facebook, Inc., CA
•Marytza Sanz, CEO of a National Latino Organization
•Vicki Saporta, first woman organizing Director of a major international union and women’s rights leader, Washington, DC
•Susan Scanlan, Women’s rights and organization leader, VA
•Lois Schiffer, Former Assistant Attorney General for Environment and Natural Resources Division, US Department of Justice
•Elsie L. Scott, Ph.D., Political scientist. Washington, DC
•Sarah Sewall, Former Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense, MA
•Audrey Sheppard, President, Sewall-Belmont House and Museum, Washington, DC
•Maria Shriver, Award-winning American journalist, a prolific author and First Lady of California
•Fera Simone, Professor, author and nationally recognized Iranian reformist, VA
•Marva Smalls, Executive Vice President, MTV Networks, NY
Ellie Smeal, President, Feminist Majority
•Barbara “B” Smith, Restaurateur, television host, author, and entrepreneur, NY
•Stacey Snider, Chairman DreamWorks Studios, CA
•Betty Spence, Executive and women's advocate, NY
•Linda Spradley Dunn, CEO and publisher, Odyssey Media, Inc.
•Andrea Dew Steele, President and founder of Emerge America, CA
•Gloria Steinem, Founder of Ms. Magazine, author and women’s rights advocate, NY
•Susie Stern, Former Chair of the United Jewish Communities Women’s Philanthropy and Chairman of the board for the UJA Federation, NY
•Ann Stock, Former Social Secretary, White House, Washington, DC
•Marion Sullivan, Vice President of the National Women’s Political Caucus and Senior Advisor to Bev Perdue for Governor, NC
•Sally Susman, Chief Communications Officer- Pfizer, NY
•Ms. Mona Sutphen, Former Special Assistant to the National Security Advisor and Diplomat
•Rabbi Susan Talve, Jewish community activist. MO
•Deborah Tannen, Best-selling author and scholar on gender and language and University Professor, Georgetown University, VA
•Inez Tenenbaum, Former State Superintendent of Education, SC
•Linda Chavez-Thompson, DNC Vice-Chair and Executive Vice President Emerita, AFL-CIO, TX
•Susan W. Turnbull, Vice Chair, DNC, MD
•Professor Laura D. Tyson, Former Chairman, National Economic Council and Former Chairman, President's Council of Economic Advisers, CA
•Jill Cooper Udall, Arts Law Attorney and Consultant to Smithsonian's National Museum
•Dr. Agnes Varis, President and CEO, Agvar Chemicals Inc., NY
•Melanne Verveer, Leader of a global women's organization and former Chief of Staff to First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, Washington, DC
•Diane Von Furstenberg, Founder and Chairman, DVF Studio LP, NY
•Trish Vrandenburg, Playwright, Emmy Award Winning Script Writer and founder of the National Alzheimer's Gala and the Vradenburg Foundation, Washington, DC
•Donna L. Wagner, PhD, Vice President, Older Women’s League, MD
•The Honorable Patricia M. Wald, Former Chief Judge for the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (retired), Washington, DC
•Vickie Wallen, Former Senior Advisor and Legal Counsel to the Governor and Washington Ombudsman for Families and Children, WA
•Alice L. Waters, Chef and author, CA
•Anita Volz Wien, Vice Chairman, Observatory Group LLC, NY
•Randi Weingarten, President of the American Federation of Teachers, NY
•Shelly Weinstein, President and CEO NETO/EDSAT, MD
•Pilar Weiss, Executive Director of the Culinary Union, Nevada, NV
•The Honorable Lucille S. Whipper, Civil Rights Activist and former President of the Woman’s Baptist Educational and Missionary Convention of South Carolina, SC
•Dr. Sheila Widnall, First woman Secretary of the United States Air Force
•Shirley J. Wilcher, Executive Director of the American Association for Affirmative Action and former Deputy Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Department of Labor, MA
•Dr. E. Faye Williams, Esq., National Chair, National Council of Black Women, Inc. Washington, DC
•Dr. Barbara Williams-Skinner, President & CEO, Skinner Leadership Institute; Former Executive Director of the Congressional Black Caucus, Washington, DC
•Karen Freeman Wilson, former Indiana Attorney General, IN
•Ann Winblad, Co-Founder and Managing Director, Hummer Winblad Venture Partners, CA
•Anna Wintour, Editor in Chief, Vogue, NY
•Lauren Wolfe, Former National President, College Democrats of America, MI
•Susan F. Wood, PhD, Research Professor, George Washington University School of Public Health and Health Services, Takoma Park, MD
•Deborah C. Wright, Chairman and CEO, Carver Bancorp, Inc
•Miriam Yeung, Leader of a national Asian and Pacific Islander organization and advocate for children, NY
•Daphna Ziman, Children’s Rights Activist, CA

Battle Between the Sexes has come a long way baby!

2008-08-31T14:28:00.003-04:00

In 1973 Billie Jean King defeated former player Bobby Riggs in a tennis match deemed the battle of the sexes featured on 60 minutes as a bit of a novelty. The hip-hop video of popping between the sexes (below) speaks of the long way we've come in this battle of the sexes. Before women in hip-hop had to be one of the boys. The young women in this video use their femininity and the masculinity of hip-hop dance to their kinetic narrative and the men can play the soft side of their performance, too. Hip-hop ya don't stop.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & SURPRISE

2008-08-22T10:40:00.017-04:00

I've never been witness to domestic violence and never been a victim. Or so I thought before the miracle I shared about yesterday. Consider something I just learned. I learned another way of thinking of surprise.

²surprise (From Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
Function: verb Date: 15th century
transitive verb
1: to attack unexpectedly; also : to capture by an unexpected attack
2 a: to take unawares [police surprised the burglars in the store] b: to detect or elicit by a taking unawares [sometimes surprised a tragic shadow in her eyes — Willa Cather]
3: to strike with wonder or amazement especially because unexpected [his conduct surprised me] intransitive verb: to cause astonishment or surprise [her success didn't surprise]

What I learned from a Landmark Education Wisdom course I am taking on DISCOURSES (the study of how conversations and systems of ideas get across) was that we tend to under-report the actual thing in time and space that is a surprise and we over-report the impact of it.

When it comes to Domestic Violence we definitely over-report the impact and under-report the surprise like what happened yesterday in front of my apartment in Brooklyn.

The surprise was "That B*tch ain't gonna take away MY parental rights" (more or less Earl's words). If I had ignored it as I tried to, and not intervened and interrupted, as I did courageously, I might be over-reporting a domestic violence incident I overheard from the news. I might have been saying "That was the brother outside my house" with great regret and guilt.

I hadn't thought about the "domestic violence" per se when I was confronted by Earl's surprise yesterday. It was only in sharing what happened (over-reporting) with a coach/friend who said "THANK YOU, KYRA! THANKS FOR YOU COURAGE TODAY!" She then shared about losing a close friend to domestic violence in the last six months. Her husband went into a rage. He killed her in front of their young child. Left the scene. Dropped the child off at the grandparents. Drove to North Carolina and hung himself. Both parents dead. :-(

Surprise!

A Miracle on Dean Street

2008-08-21T13:40:00.004-04:00

This past week in the news in NYC at least two kids were brutally abused by their parents. One little girl died. So this morning I get up. Finally eat early, made my bed and got to work. After a call with my business partner for knowledgecrush.com, I sat at my computer in the three bay windows of my apartment. I live on the first floor of a brownstone in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. It's a predominately black neighborhood of working and middle class folks.

At about 12:30pm, I am surprised by the frictive cussing of a brother shouting down his girlfriend just outside my window on the sidewalk. He sounds big and massively hurt behind "this B*tch ain't gonna take my parental rights away with THAT nigga!" He was pleading behind RED anger and threatening words. Earl was himself feeling threatened and on the attack. I could hear EVERYTHING he was saying through the fan in my window like he was standing inside my apartment. The narration of a father wronged got so loud that I had to look to see what was going on.

He was a tall, broad nice looking brother. Fit, muscular and pretty hair. The sister he was ranting about--the B*tch--was getting in her car with her kids. He stood over the car door really threatening her physically while telling the sister's cousin that he was raised to never put his hands on a woman but "this b*tch has me feeling like I want put my hands around her neck!" He moved towards her in the car as he towered over the doorway of a small sedan. I picked up my cell and dialed 911.

The 911 agent answered. "There is a confrontation in front of my house involving parental rights and the brother is about to put his hands on her." Just then sister pulled the car out of a parallel parking space with door still open and drove off with her kids. "She just left." The agent said "OK" and I hung up.

The fury of his anger intensified. He had to tell her cousins blow-by-blow every detail of he-said, she-said in the matter. "I heard from someone who said they were there..." and "He don't even like my son!! and she wants to take my parental rights away?!!!?? I should be angry. This is RED!!! I ain't takin' this from THAT BITCH!!"

This went on for almost 30 minutes.

I sat there not able to focus on anything but his voice, his words, his pain, his anger towards the mother of his kids, and I started to think: How can I stop this? How can I make a difference?

The thought passed as I moved to finish cleaning my dishes but I still heard it all and it wasn't subsiding in the least. He was even more enraged and more arguing his righteousness in the matter. I thought why do black folks gotta put their business in the streets like that. Maybe I should go out an embarass his ass into submission. "You got your business all in the street. EVERY-one can hear what happened." But I knew that would aid fuel to his red flame.

I put on a skirt and left on my night t-shirt. (Oh by the way, I had foot surgery which has in part by why I've been absent from the blog. THe other part is pure procrastination at this time of year as a professor.) So I put on a skirt, grabbed my cane, and hobbled out the front door and the gated door. There was no turning back now.

He looks directly at me and stops mid-sentence. "OH, MISS I am making too much noise in front-a your house. I apologize." He lowered his voice a notch a bit. The cousin was now joined by another of the sista's family members, both of whom were trying to reason with him, talk some sense into him about his anger. He finished his apology to me, quite genuine, and turned back to the cousins full blast.

I interrupted. "Hey, brother. Can I share something with you? It's no coincidence you stopped here. I met my father 5 years ago for the first time in my life." I wait for it to register. He stops. Really stops and takes it in. "My father died last year." He came over to me and shook my hand.

I continued. "I heard most of what you said and I don't know all the circumstances but I can tell you that your anger is going to land you in prison. I almost called the cops on you. You gotta realize this is not the way to work this out. Your kids are seeing you like this and you're threatening to put your hands on their mother."

"Nah, I would never do that!"
"Well I say you almost do it and you said you are just about ready to do it. I didn't meet my dad til I was 40 and all the circumstances that led to that make perfect sense now but back then people didn't understand what was going on with him."

I wish I could capture all of our conversation. All I want to say is that my "intervention", my sharing what happened with my dad interrupted, no short circuited that situation. It wasn't going the way we ended it.

Five minutes later Earl ended up thanking me. We agreed that is was no accident it happened here. I appealed to him with that everyone winning had to be his intention esp. the kids. I invited him to apologize to his kids for the way he was today. I said if you died tomorrow that would have been the last thing they saw of their father. I impressed upon him that his reaction was correlated to the circumstance but it wouldn't get him what he wants.

He thanked me again. Thanked me, as a stranger, for making a difference. Sometimes it takes a stranger, he said. And really thanked me. I invited him to get another stranger to make a difference, to mediate between he and the mother of his kids. He said ok, could you do it? I got my cards and told them we could do it in my apartment IF she agreed and was ok with it.

This is not what I expected but it is what I wanted for this brother. When he walked away I said my father thanks you, all three of you good brothers. More as things develop.

I reminded him that they both feel threatened and that they both have feelings or this wouldn't be an issue.
They had a kid together and have to have feelings around this or it wouldn't matter.

I told Earl to make a list of what he wants for the kids something like:
1. I want them to feel safe
2. I want them to be taken care of
3. I want them to know their father and visit regualrly

I am going to ask the mother to do the same. Pray for my wisdom in this and my success with this pair of opposite sex.

The Politics of Race & Bodies on a Popular Music Program Committee

2008-08-14T23:15:00.005-04:00

I missed all last week's posts and realize I could have simply left a message about that. Lonely only child me at it again. I love people like you that keep coming back. Even though I don't get many comments until recently, I really appreciate you readers out there. Make yourself known. Tell me what you like and don't like and when I am missing for you. That keeps ME honest to. Nothing like talking into a void. Don't know if you're making any sense to anyone but yourself.
So please consider commenting at least once a week or so. Thx.

I was recently asked to participate on the program committee of a major popular music conference that happens each spring in Seattle. If you know pop music, you know I mean the EM P Conference. Seattle is home to the great Jimi Hendrix and EMP has a great exhibit happening now on Jimi. The program committee selects the upcoming topic and puts the call for papers together. Who attends the conference? A mix of music journalists and academics. And some industry folks and publishers of popular music from A to Z.The conference itself has always struck me as driven by the participation of predominately white driven set and discourse of POP music. It occurs for me as a black female scholar that EMP has been dominated by the musics that powerful groups of white folks like or white critics talk about (Kelefa Sanneh is an exception though he ain't Greg Tate). It has also been about hidden conversations by all us "minority" folk still feeling and perhaps making ourselves others but NOT taking a stand on program committees to say what is usually backroom conversation for blacks only or with a few radical white folks who we trust or who we think are like us -- have no real power in the matter.

The committee is assigned to choose a title in the next few days so the CFP (call for papers) can go out by early Sept. One of the popular titles arising has to do with the EROTICS OF POP. Committee members are talking about how bodies get left out but rarely are they talking specifically about WHOSE bodies are left out and HOW. Right now we are at the generalizing stage. I suggested this title two days ago and some liked it, others did not. For one, it's too long:

Share, Remix, Reuse : Social Media, Music & We the People in 2.0(09)

What was behind my proposition was bringing issues of diversity out without making it explicit -- race, gender, nation, class -- as well as musical and cultural diversity in approaches to music-making. Check out this great video on creativity and video remixes:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/larry_lessig_says_the_law_is_strangling_creativity.htm

My specialty as a popular music scholar is race, gender and the body. What I have been privy to as a speaker/participant at EMP, what has driven my own concerns about participating has been that I feel white concerns about popular music run the atmosphere and the conversation. It seems inevitable with a critical mass of white journalists and scholars talking about pop.

I notice the committee's conversations seem to already use the term BODIES without politicizing what it means to different audiences and people. The politics of the people of color whose BODIES and VOICES have been consumed, always present, but often disenfranchised by the pop machine seems to always get lost when we don't privilege REAL PEOPLE in our themes and discourses not just their bodies.

So here I am on the program committee and if you've learned something about me from my previous posts -- offending the status quo excites me when I really have the courage to do it. But part of me is withholding what I always wanted to say now that I got a little power. Crazy thing.

So I said it. Black folks already got issues about the way bodies are consumed in popular culture and popular music from hip-hop to McDonald's commercials and jingles. I shared with the committee that I think we must politicize the way people MIX in whatever title we choose and use it as a metaphor about the MIX in music. It's about sounds and people mixing. Not just money and markets on some chart. I shared in my last communication, if we bring the politics of race and gender to the CFP then I'd feel more at home with my participation in EMP as a whole.

The hidden transcripts among some folks of color I've talked since EMP began several years ago, particularly some notables in journalism and academia, is that the issue of race might be a topic of some paper, but not a issue we talk about as people readin'/writing popular music. I also told my compatriots that RACE and WE THE PEOPLE and WEB 2.0 in 2009 is a national tie in for the conference this year. Which is I am considered proposing the following title: WE THE PEOPLE in 2.0(09) : FORMING A MORE PERFECT MUSIC

I also added that the keynote speaker should be someone of color to bend the ear of the conference goers in the direction of race, gender and the body in ways that people of color can and do without trivializing that WE are the ones who often get BOXED IN in conversations of BODY.

I still want Success with the Opposite Ethnicity/Sex/Gender/Nation/Age. I want to shatter the illusion but going to the place that is heard as different, other, or out of place. I want to pull our attention towards the MIX and REMIX of DIFFERENCE. Like...Agree to be Offended and Stay in the Conversation Anyhow!! Kyra

Ludicrous Video: "Obama Thinks I'm Good, Bitch!"

2008-08-04T14:57:00.007-04:00

farcical: broadly or extravagantly humorous; resembling farce; "the wild farcical exuberance of a clown"; "ludicrous green hair"
absurd: incongruous;inviting ridicule; "the absurd excuse that the dog ate his homework"; "that's a cockeyed idea"; "ask a nonsensical question and get a nonsensical answer"; "a contribution so small as to be laughable"; "it is ludicrous to call a cottage a mansion"; "a preposterous attempt to ...
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Idiotic or unthinkable, often to the point of being funny
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ludicrous

So many things to talk about this Monday August 4th. Let's see a year ago, I had my debut at Joe's Pub and premiered "Strapped (She Come Fifty)" about Coretta Scott King, Nina Simone and Daisy Bates in honor of the 50th anniversary of the Little Rock Nine. Got a video of the song from the Cornelia Street Café performance on Jul 22nd coming soon.

Was checking out Myspace IMPACT and ran across the MTV campaign's Big Question about HIV called LOOKING GOOD OR STAYING ALIVE. The videos posted by Lupe Fiasco, Wyclef and Ne-Yo are rife with the wrong commentary. We get so caught up in the obvious, we miss what's going on that is driving the show about HIV or Herpes or any conversations about sex in public culture. Namely, it's all about OTHER people doing the right thing. Never telling their own intimate stories about their own changes in lifestyle. Cuz' we know popular artists are ROLE MODELS for sex.

To start the week off, a quick share about some really witty commentary on the Ludacris video for Obama.

ill Doctrine has the fabulous witty social commentary videos on YouTube and this one is priceless and speaks for itself. ill Doctrine is a hip-hop video blog hosted by Jay Smooth, creator of the hip hop music blog and founder of New York's longest running hip-hop radio show, WBAI's Underground Railroad.I love it when a brother tells it like it is about hip-hop utterly ludicrous misogyny with wit and humor. Illdoctine's video is true satire! Tell me what you think about the Ludacris video and this commentary.

Obama's Ludacris Issue

Check out the Ludacris video if you haven't seen it yet.

Are you Interested?: Resigned men facing resigned women

2008-08-01T13:51:00.009-04:00

Wood carvings by Cecil Tremayne Buller (1889-1973)

Trying to resist, change, or avoid the enormous influence of the past keeps us foolishly focused on it. Yet we’re reluctant to leave it behind, reluctant to transform the pervasive hold it has on our present-time lives. Not doing so, however, results in an endless continuum of living a “now” that is littered with the detritus of the past. There’s no better arena to watch this play out than in our relationships. (Nancy Zapolski, Ph.D. from "If I Weren't My Past, Who Would I Be?")

THE ENCOUNTER
I met a brother about a year ago at the Harlem Book Fair. We'd met before in a class I taught but it was all business and there wasn't much time to chat. When he stopped by my booth at the book fair, we struck up a lovely conversation and in that moment, I was interested. I never said I was interested, though. Why? Well, he didn't eev-er (I was 13 years old not making the first move. Waiting for the other person to lead).

We did exchange cards or info. And it took quite a while for us to actually meetup. We went out on a whim. I had extra tickets to Jazz at Lincoln Center from one of my class outings. He joined us. We had a great time, but all the while I thought he's not really diggin' me because he's mostly talking about what's not been working for him with women. He'd had a breakup that hurt him.

I'M INTERESTED IF YOU ARE
I was no better off than he but it was so easy to be checkin him out and not check in with me and being vulnerable. I never just asked, "Hey, I am interested in you. Is there any interest in me or is this just a nice hang?" I decided the latter and built a case about it. He had walked me to my door which was out of his way. I said I hope we do this again and when he didn't reach out I made another decision that he wasn't really interested. I had evidence that "he ain't into me." He was a nice brother. Had issues just like the next person (me, I was sittin next to him), but, I decided, he just ain't into me. I was mostly being selfish and not wanting to be audacious (and anyone who knows me says I am). I just wasn't being me. But I was going to town with these decisions.

So from time to time he called since then. But the filter through which all his calls have been received is kind of like "It's a courtesy call, Kyra. That's all. He ain't into you." What I had really already decided was I was no longer into him. But of course you can't see you're own eyeballs.

In the last two months, he's been a bit more persistent. Leaving emails or messages saying "Why won't you get back to me!" He message was urgent and also kind of like hey you're neglecting me and treating me rudely. I often do this with men AND women in my life. My "only child-no one really cares for me" syndrome is what I call it. Most days I spend alone worrying about what I haven't done or catching up on what I didn't do before. So I always sound busy, act busy or just plain stay alone. (I suspect I am not alone in that).

LATE BUT GETTIN' IT
I am getting personal here and being really authentic about how it is because this morning I decided to ask the question I never asked from the jump with brotherman by email. I am such a late bloomer ;-). Call myself a turtle. Slow and easy, they say, wins the race.

I emailed him today and guess what? I met myself in the response. It's really sad how many of us great black men and women are resigned about the litany of people of the opposite sex we have gone through and not succeeded with as we search for a mate. In this brother's email response he said something that stuck with me. It occurred like a sign of not just his resignation but my own:

Many say that you cannot use the past as a beacon for the present or the future, but I disagree. The past is the precedent from which the future is experienced.

DO YOU HAVE A PAST or DOES THE PAST HAVE YOU?
How dead on was his statement?!! Maybe you agree to disagree, too. But the thing that I think is missing from this powerfully valid assessment is that the past is over.

It ain't happening to us anymore (the last girlfriend, the last breakup, the shady brother, the promiscuity, etc). I really got this to the bone when I had to give up what I made the past mean about not having my father in my life for 40 years. (R.I.P. Norman Lee Evans, Sr.) We had 5 years together before be passed all due to my giving up the past view I held onto.

The moment I gave up that I had been abandoned or wasn't important to him, a future empty and wide open for creating became available to me again and the love I'd always wanted with him and other men became available too. It was me, not him that was dead. Now, life WAS NOT perfect for us after that, mind you. Like some fantasy. But it was a miracle what we shared since so many never give up what the past meant to them about their fathers. Only thing that was sad about it all was that my father died not really getting how much I and his family truly loved him, or maybe he did. I really don't know. I never asked.

There was something ultimately that this brother was really trying to say to me in his email and through a lot of angst. What we really all want is being together. Being with each other. Being intimate. Just being with each other the way we are and the way we aren't and THAT makes ALL the difference when it happens. It's just so rare between black men and women.

Bottom line: The resignation from the past is only a filter of resignation ABOUT the past. It's not the past. Someone once said to me there's the TRUTH and then when you start believing the truth, it's no longer the truth. It becomes a BELIEF about the truth. Tricia Rose used to say that about hip-hop scholarship. Most of it in the early days was about ABOUT rap. Those were the early days. Maybe it's time for our beliefs about relationships to mature, too.

JUST NOTICE - THERE'S NOTHING TO DO
Hmm. All this leaves me with something to consider. There's just something to notice when it's happening. For instance, that I don't ask or say I'm interested for fear of the outcome and then I force the outcome I fear. What is we let ourselves be with each other exactly the way it is and be straight about what we are curious about? I wasn't then. I could have been. Now I can be. It's really possible now after all.

PS. I was quoted in NYTimes Metro section yesterday. Check it out: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/31/education/31double.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

NYT Interviewed me bout Double-Dutch Yesterday and more SWTOS...

2008-07-30T16:48:00.008-04:00

INTERVIEWED FOR NYT ON DOUBLE-DUTCH
A reporter from NYT called to interview me for a piece about double-dutch. Readers you may or may not know I am an award-winning author on the subject. Why now? Because in the NYC, Double Dutch will become an officially sanctioned varsity sport in city public schools in the spring of 2009. Here's one of the many stories generated after the AP reported on it July 27th: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92963767

GOOGLE TRENDS AND CLICHÉS
This story has spiked the Google Trends register getting the highest marks ever as news. I suspect perceptions about black youth, teenage girls, and juvenile deliquency lurk behind spiked interest in the story in so many media outlets. I love how the story gains credibility with certain assertion that would not be considered all that if black kids were valued from the get-go. The stories all repeat the same thing about the participants saying they will "learn skills that will help them succeed in life. They learn how to negotiate," ..."how to talk, they learn discipline. And they learn to work together." Quoted from http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gKSye5cor223IOhAkN-iNG7-DKQwD925RC0G1

A GIRLS' GAME AND GENDER POLITICS
During the interview, the reporter was taken by my favorable view of incorporating double-dutch into the school system. I told her it will be great to have a sport typically associated with females become sanctioned as a varsity sport that both sexes participate in. One concern that I have that I didn't talk about is how lots of things that were once female dominated get reincorporated as predominately male practices not unlike making beats (girls been making beats in composing and producing cheers, handclaps and double-dutch for decades since they were young) or midwifing. The school system should be careful to keep the feminine energy of double-dutch alive for all the students. The chants and cheers. The singing and dancing of the so-called sport.

MI THEORY & EUROPEAN CLICHÉS ON READING AND WRITING
I told the reporter that double-dutch as a sport in schools will allow a fuller range of kids' multiple intelligences to be explored (see MI Theory by Prof. Howard Gardner of Harvard). I even got all cliche and said that this inclusion allows urban children to explore more than traditional European modes of intelligence like reading and writing. But that is too cliche because black kids and people love to read and write even if we do it in alternative modes of expression. That is as much African as it is European. Having double-dutch in the schools will bring up the same thing I wrote about in Chapter 5 of my book. Once black forms are institutionalized, not unlike street ball, we have to be careful to allow the spontaneity of the play to be present and be generated from the players not the judges. I don't know if what happened with basketball is possible anymore--meaning that the owners of a tradition will simply let it go to reclaim it in a much different age of Web 2.0, social media and mediation of knowledge, expression and identity. Next spring will be the test.

I can't wait to see what got quoted. More to blog about then. Will keep you abreast of when it is published.

FINAL "TRICK" (a double-dutch competition term)
A professor I have some acquaintance with emailed me yesterday to tell me how one of her students was so taken by my book. She had played double-dutch growing up and it affirmed her place, her experience of being in the world, and she also is classically-trained as I am. Black, female, classically-trained and R&B expressive. That's me! Kyra G and her P.H.&D.

Chris Abani on Women in the World (Shared Humanity)

2008-07-29T00:01:00.002-04:00

If you know me you know that I LOVE TED talks. TED stands for Technology Entertainment and Design. I use these talks in my teaching and they are from a unique conference of inspiring talks that are 20 mins or less.

Last year, my book The Games Black Girls Play (NYUP, 2006) was a finalist for the 2007 PEN/Beyond Margins Award for which Abani's novel, “Song for Night" was among the winners. Amiri Baraka was another winner.

This is a TED talk of Abani sharing stories, as he says that are about transformation and are not sentimental, of his mother and of women counting. He also shares of Nigerian men tortured in prison. Abani was a political prisoner. This video exemplifies Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM) for me. It is not cliché nor a generalization about men or women. It is the real lived experience of being woman, being man from this extraordinary story teller.

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Army Cover Up? Was it a rape-murder or suicide?

2008-07-28T08:45:00.005-04:00

I still haven't seen the CNN report on Black in America. I purchased the series on iTunes last night (I don't have cable). But only the Black Man episode is available. I'm waiting for the Black women and family episode in particular as a black woman myself.

In the meantime, I got this letter from the ColorofChange.org site. I invite you to sign the petition. In my letter to Congress I added that it's time for them to stand up for us, to make us proud again to be Americans. Racial and sexual injustice anywhere is an affront to our national identity and it must be confronted in order to be true to our principles.

Dear Friend,

LaVena Johnson was 19 years old, serving in Iraq as a private in the Army, when she was raped, murdered, and her body was burned--by someone from her own military base. Despite overwhelming physical evidence, the Army called it a suicide and closed the case.[1]

For three years, LaVena's parents have been fighting for answers. At almost every turn, they've been met with closed doors or lies. But together we can help achieve justice for LaVena and other families who have suffered similar tragedies.[2]

Will you join me in standing with the Johnsons and calling on Henry Waxman, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, to investigate the Army's cover-up of Lavena's death? And ask your friends and family to do the same?

http://www.colorofchange.org/cbci/?id=1978-466895

Thanks.

1. "The cover-up of a soldier's death?" LavenaJohnson.com, March 6, 2007
http://www.lavenajohnson.com/2007/03/cover-up-of-soldiers-death.html

2. "Is There an Army Cover Up of Rape and Murder of Women Soldiers?" CommonDreams.org, April 28, 2008 http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2008/04/28/8564/

Women in Hip-Hop

2008-07-25T13:14:00.002-04:00

Hey my post yesterday was a little lame to me because I wasn't even featured as much as I thought. Watched the video after the post. Was in a hurry. Impeccability was missing-LOL.

OK so today I ran across this nice short video on women in hip-hop with a variety of sisters speaking. I clearly am not doing my own good PR cuz what I have to say about women in hip-hop is so different. We are not taking responsibility for the context of our victimhood. As musicians and dancers, we continue to let male artists in hip-hop act like they are the music. Women's dance is driving not only the music but the beats that are being created. One sister in the video is right, you pay for white titties but you get black ass for free. What makes us think so low of ourselves that we continue to not only perpetuate it but let it thrive among young black women.

I was at the premiere, I mentioned last week, for the CNN report BLACK in AMERICA. Soledad O'Brien made a really provocative comment when someone complained about the Obama cover last week on the New Yorker. She said a few things. One was if white children were dropping out of high school at 505 rate, white mothers would be insisting on Congressional hearings. I assert we women who are mothers, sisters who get the cat calls, and more are not devoid of doing this, but we are trapped in the conversation that no one REALLY listens to us, pays for us, honors us. When we get to the source of that...change gon' come!

Kyra sings for a surprise proposal in Jersey

2008-07-24T17:28:00.002-04:00

Lenny pops the question

I may not have any proposals yet but I am getting closer. Check out Tomas and I performing for a surprise engagement. Success with the Opposite Sex on a new horizon!

Every Human Has Rights Campaign

2008-07-24T02:09:00.003-04:00

2008 is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 60th anniversary. It's time for a global conversation about human rights and the values that unite us as one human family. But it can also be a time when each of us chooses to take human rights into our daily lives, by joining a powerful people network.

http://www.everyhumanhasrights.org/

Yack Yack Yack by Jessica Hagy

2008-07-22T10:02:00.002-04:00

I love this blog. Gonna put it on my blogroll.
www.indexed.blogspot.com

Rapes Against Native Women..Race + Gender Injustice

2008-07-21T10:14:00.003-04:00

So I know that there's been news debunking the black communities claims to native American ancestry. My own family claims connections to Cherokees. A Cherokee woman married an Irishman 4 generations back on my maternal grandmother's side.

So this short report was interesting to me esp. given that lack of knowledge about it and it reminded me of why I like GET RELATED not DATED! There is so much more we need to get related to facts, feelings, having awereness of what's happening to the opposite sex in so many contexts OTHER THAN just dating.

This report is powerful and enlightening. It says "1 in 3 Native women will be raped in their lifetime reports the Department of Justice".

Wrote a Poem + Alicia Keys "Superwoman"

2008-07-17T08:00:00.002-04:00

I found this video on http://soulbounce.com/ a great blog on Soul & R&B music videos. Great video about roles of women around the world.

Who are you nation that black men and women are so separate?
Reject the possibility of black family 'n' say "forget it!"
Or embrace what the past says and defy it?
The impossible comin' to pass with passion for a lifetime.
Is it possible?

When will we get that something stops us,
(self-hatred, past wrongs) from being universal.
We are loved and always have been,
By others, just not by us.
Need our own higher touch.
Woman + Man + Child:
Own humanity.
Trust. Gaunt ©3008 [sic]

Premiere Last Night: CNN Black in America with Soledad O'Brien

2008-07-16T10:12:00.006-04:00

My colleague, the wonderful Cuban sociologist Ted Henken at Baruch College, got me and another wonderful colleague Johanna Fernandez (writing about Mumia these days) into to the special premeire of the series CNN Presents: BLACK IN AMERICA with Soledad O'Brien. Thanks Ted!!

I was struck by the SEGREGATION of the two reports: 1) The Black Woman & Family and 2) The Black Man. This is exactly why have this blog and host SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED. We need to get related to the facts and the realities of the ongoing SEGREGATION of the sexes in our communities and more importantly the representations of us as separate and not equal. Daddies and daughters: stop resisting being with one another. Fathers and Single Mothers: be accountable and respectful for what kinds of relationships we are creating for young people and teens not to mention TV and the world.

"The Black Woman & Family," investigates the disturbing statistics of single parenthood, racial disparities in education and HIV/AIDS as well as the progress of black women in the workplace and the status of the black middle class. Premieres in HDTV on Wednesday, July 23, 9 p.m. ET.

"The Black Man," explores black men and fatherhood; educational, career and financial achievement; black male incarceration and the achievements of black men and the importance of black fathers. Premieres in HDTV on Thursday, July 24, 9 p.m. ET

I didn't take pictures but met this lovely African sister. She asked a daring question after the 30 mins clip they shared with us. All the pics here are hers. She asked if Africans were featured in any way in this. Soledad said no. AIDS/HIV is focused exclusively on heterosexual experiences. Ms. Africa (Africa is her nickname) commented on the parallels happening with AIDS in Africa and here. That is truly a missing but it also is an opportunity to talk about it on the blogosphere as these special reports air next week.

This was an OCCASION for me. I really had to remind myself I belonged there. I am a prize-winning author and well-recognized college professor in my field and I know it seems insecure (I am sometimes) but it was a delight to have Michael Eric Dyson hug the hell out of me at the scene (we haven't seen each other for YEARS but I am featured in a book he is publishing about Nas coming out in Jan 09).

HIGHLIGHT: I met Cicely Tyson last night and was able to share my CD with her. She was extraordinarily gracious and loving. I told her SOUNDER (1972) changed my life as a child. I also gave Soledad a CD as well as Michael. BE THE TRUE REVOLUTION, baby!

What was missing for me that I would love to see more regularly with these kinds of event? An old fashion church-style introduction or new school "Who's in the house" roll call acknowledging all who came and letting all know who they can network with at the reception (not just Gayle or Cornell). It seems we have to watch TV, look good but never touch each other and get to know the real-world resources of networking in person in NYC.

Someone said they are tired of how the black community avoids education and she had decided to work with the young ones. We cannot afford to leave ANY one behind simply because they are resigned NOT UNLIKE the woman herself who made those comments about what's possible for black men, women and children today. AND we must begin to network THROUGHOUT the African diaspora here in the US and NYC in particular and even more abroad.

SO HOW WAS THE PREMIERE CLIP?
Rather conservative at first glance but I intend to watch the series online. Don't have cable. This segment on the website called "I AM" is much more avant-garde and distinctive. And it's social media and you know I LOVE social media and networking.

'It's one of the best kept secrets' 2:03
Take a good look at Marvin Perkins. You'll never guess what group he joined and why.
• Special Reports - Black in America

My Father's Secret 2:20
Bliss Broyard discovered something about her father that not only changed how she saw him - it changed everything she knew about herself.
• Special Reports - Black in America
• Bliss Broyard Site

Kyra's First YouTube Video Upload: AGREE TO BE OFFENDED

2008-07-15T16:30:00.004-04:00

Today is one of those Kuloo Kalay Frabjous Days!! I am diverging from my usual topics to share that... I POSTED MY FIRST VIDEO ON YOUTUBE TODAY! Oh Frabjous Joy!! But will the Jabberwock go galumphing back? Will I get comments? Will they like it? Will you? Let me know. It's a timely piece on race given the recent satire around Michele and Barack Obama. It's still not fully loaded yet. But stay tuned!

AGREE TO BE OFFENDED

7/16: Quality is poor but I am working out the kinks asap!

The New Yorker Cover: "Michelle" and "Obama"

2008-07-14T15:57:00.011-04:00

Thank God for Web 2.0 and the possibility of voicing reactions and comments to media as soon as it hits the stands or appears online. The July 21, 2008 issue of the New Yorker entitled “The Politics of Fear,” features a satire of the Senator Obama and his wife. Reminder of a working definition of racism I use in my work on Agree to Be Offended™ : Curious Connections in Conversations of Race:

The learned practices, attitudes, thoughts, expressions, suspicions (and now I must add representations) that maintain an inferior view of the dominated group.
The stigmatizing of difference along lines of ‘racial’ or physical characteristics real or imagined.
Making others different in order to justify an advantage/ invalidate a disadvantage.

Here is a description of the cover courtesy the DISH RAG by Elizabeth Snead (LA Times):

"Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's campaign is furious over a New Yorker mag cover illustration of a Muslim-garbed Obama fist-bumping his wife, Michelle, wearing an Angela Davis afro, a camo jumpsuit, and a rifle slung over her shoulder. An American flag burns in the fireplace.

Obama's camp calls it 'tasteless and offensive.' So for that matter does presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain's camp.

The New Yorker insists it's just satire."

Oddly enough, the New Yorker's website features this black-and-white pic of Barack Obama registering an older black women. A much more safe, conventional shot of photojournalism evoking a more staid interpretation of black men in politics.

CAN WE CREATE A NEW FUTURE FOR OUR RELATIONSHIPS
I've been thinking about how to invite more people onto my blog and into a conversation, a national conversation, about the impact of life in the U.S. on black relationships and how what happens in black relationships between the sexes might be significant to the nation as a whole.

Why can't we support and empower healthy relationships between black men and women? As I've mentioned in previous posts, stats show that each sex among black people is increasingly remaining single (not just women). I've joked recently about an online dating service I use which I suggested renaming BLACK PEOPLE DON'T MEET. What messages does this cover leave people with about the state of racism in America and its impact on intimacy, esteem, and credibility in the public sphere between the races and sexes? I can agree to be offended but I won't be silent about it.

Gender and Well-Being: Herpes

2008-07-12T15:30:00.008-04:00

Missed a post but this replaces Friday's and end the series on Well-Being.

Black communities and communities of color and lack of affluence have suffered horrible injustices related to health disparities. The legacy of the Tuskeegee Syphillis experiments is one of the worst reminders within the black community.

Today another health disparity lurks within our community and whites/outsiders are not the culprit though historical legacy of racism around health certainly is a factor. Herpes.

Attention on the viral infection known as Herpes should be a major concern for the average sexually-active black man or women than perhaps AIDS/HIV. Why? Because Herpes Simplex I and II are often difficult to detect. THough you may experience tingling sensations and lesions around your buttocks, suffer unusual breakdowns in your immune system akin to flu like symptoms, or have sores appear on your face, many show no symptoms not unlike Syphillis.

As a result, Herpes is easily transmitted. Some report that as few as 1 in 5 or as many as 1 in 8 are infected with the disease in the general population in the U.S. Herpes is incurable though not terminal. It is a silent and unnoticable health risk in relationships with black men and/or women. It is particularly a public health concern among sexually-active black teens.

According to http://www.herpes.com:

Oral herpes, an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus, is estimated to be present in 50 to 80 percent of the American adult population. 20 percent, over 50 million people, are infected with genital herpes, also caused by the herpes simplex virus, and the majority of these cases may be unaware they even have it. Studies show that more than 500,000 Americans are diagnosed with genital herpes each year, and the largest increase is occurring in young teens.

There is no cure for herpes to date. Supporting your immune system should be your first goal. A weakened immune system is more prone to outbreaks. Efforts to develop a herpes vaccine by biotechnology companies are ongoing. Until an effective herpes vaccine or cure for HSV infection is found, the prevailing approach to treatment continues to be suppressive antiviral therapy.

A website tracking AIDS reported in 2006 called AIDSMAP stated:

"the prevalence of genital herpes is two times greater in African Americans than among whites with as many as 50% of African Americans infected.
'Our data confirm that African American men are approximately twice as likely as white men to be infected with HSV-2', write the investigators."

Another website http://www.differenceblog.com/2007/11/gender-and-herpes.html stated:

Women (in general) were more likely to test positive for Herpes Simplex Virus Type II (HSV-2), the virus strain associated with genital herpes. Researcher Sara Head also found that African-Americans and those less fearful of HSV-2 were more likely to test positive for HSV-2. Sara Head is a research assistant at the University of Kentucky College of Public Health

From Wikipedia:

For genital herpes, condoms are highly effective in limiting transmission of herpes simplex infection. however condoms are not completely effective. The virus cannot pass through latex, but a condom's effectiveness is somewhat limited on a public health scale by their limited use in the community, and on an individual scale because the condom may not completely cover blisters on the penis of an infected male, or the base of the penis or testicles not covered by the condom may come into contact with free virus in vaginal fluid of an infected female.

One website indicated two critical issues:

Infection triples the risk of acquiring AIDS from an HIV-infected person
Treatment cuts the odds of transmission in half

All these indicators suggest that we don't talk about Herpes in productive or informative ways not only in the black community, but in my experience in our relationships. Nor have I ever really talked about it in my dating, with sexual partners or other until now. It's a topic barely mentioned on online dating profiles. Disease-free hides any attempt at that publicly. It's the thing that is NOT said that matters. I intend to keep this matter public and raise it ongoingly.

QUESTION FOR COMMENT: How would you begin this conversation? Can we really afford to keep it so secret anymore? And what should we discuss next week as a theme? Any suggestions?

RESOURCES

http://www.cdc.gov/nchstp/dstd/Press_Releases/AfAmericans2000.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm
http://pharmamkting.blogspot.com/2007/07/gsks-race-based-herpes-awareness.html
http://www.globalherbalsupplies.com/herpes/stats.html

Gender and Well-Being: Live Longer, Have Less Stress with More Sex

2008-07-09T16:28:00.003-04:00

In an article in THE INDEPENDENT July 1, 2008 by Brit Dan Roberts, making love, being touched and even getting regular hugs from a loved one was found to not only make you feel good but boost your immune system and can even reduce the risk of prostate and breast cancers. So could sex save your life? Here are the main points of the article:

A US study carried out in 2000 found that 32 per cent of the 1,866 female respondents who reported masturbating in the previous three months did so to help them sleep.
A study in the journal Biological Psychology revealed that people under stress have better responses to stressful scenarios if they have engaged in intercourse vs. other sexual behaviours or abstained altogether.
"A great deal of research has shown that touch has a naturally calming effect on human beings, whether it's linked to sex or not. Of course, being touched by someone you care about will double the calming effect." (Julia Cole)
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibodies that boost your general well-being and immune system. "We know that when you're feeling good about yourself your body fights off illness and disease better – so the healthier we are psychologically and emotionally, the healthier we are physically." (Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall).
Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International that men who had at least five or more ejaculations weekly during their twenties reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer by a third.
Research in France found higher risk of breast cancer in those women without sexual partner or who had sex less than once a month.
Having sex and orgasms is a key part of improving intimacy and ensuring a healthy long-term relationship – which has been linked to a longer lifespan in a number of studies.

Gender and Well-Being: Attraction is not a choice

2008-07-08T09:48:00.003-04:00

This may not seem like a public health issue. It's not being reported by the World Health Organization, but hundreds of people are suffering from the affliction. I found this resource on a new site I discovered called HOWCAST.COM.

The affliction is thinking you can make someone attracted to you. Leads to thwarted expectations and unnecessary upsets in men and women. We focus all our attention on the one we find attracted and fail to get what this speaker presents: Attraction is not a choice. Check it out! Getting this might leave you with a lot less suffering around the so-called rejection some of us think we experience when the person who is the object of our attraction simply says I am not attracted to you.

David DeAngelo Advanced Dating Training Programme (Part 1)

Suicide Rate among Black Males (15-24) Doubled Since 1980 While Global Suicide Rate Exceeds War and Murder

2008-07-07T14:22:00.009-04:00

The suicide rate among young Black men has doubled since 1980, making it the third leading cause of death among Black males ages 15 to 24 according to Joseph Williams at Essence.com. And the problem afflicts both youth at-risk youth and men from affluent, intact families. Check out his article on the suicide watch for black males.

The suicides of James Dungy, 18, son of NFL coach Tony Dungy, in 2005, and Randy Parker, 23, stepson of legendary rapper KRS-One, last July, have sounded an alarm, says Dr. Annelle B. Primm of the American Psychiatric Association. "Young Black men are looked upon in a negative way that corrodes their self-esteem and self-value," she says. "That translates into a sense of hopelessness."

This trend, the increasing rate of suicide among men is a global trend not exclusive to the black US community. The global suicide rate for men has been alarming since 1950 according to the World Health Organization - WHO (See WHO chart "Evolution 1950-2000 of global suicide rates per 100,000").

Something about gender is off, is not working, around the world but we all gotta start where we are to make a difference. I live and am part of the black community. What I am not being responsible for is that those saggin' pants I am complaining about... they are the likely victims of violence at their own hands or others. Who am I in the matter? Who are you?

THIS WEEK: I am focusing on how gender issues are impacting public health concerns and well-being.

What's the worst in all this? According to a 2004 report by the World Health Organization

Suicide kills more people each year than road traffic accidents in most European countries....And globally, suicide takes more lives than murder and war put together, says the agency in a call for action.

Exploring Gender Cross-Culturally: Black and Asian Women More Likely to Be In Debt

2008-07-04T10:21:00.000-04:00

So this week, actually this moment, I am taking control of my debt. I got more than I ever thought I would ever have. My first experience with money was a passbook savings account from my mother. It had $500 in it. I spent it all within months on candy and other miscellany at 15. My mother gave me money but no context for what to do with it. All I knew was spending, not generating more income with money. Boy if I had to do it all over again.

Here I am. I have made more money than probably anyone in my family as a professor and I am still that 15 year old spending and not investing and creating new income. I might as well have a nine-to-five the way I operate around money and my job. I behave like a slave to my work instead of making work and money work for me. I have some much clout and credibility and I resign myself to be a sort of wage laborer in my mentality. And being a woman on top of that doesn't help.

I found this great TV show produced on AlJazeeraEnglish TV called Everywoman. It features excellent journalism on women around the world and fits perfectly into my theme this week on cross-cultural perspectives. This show pointed to some revealing insights.

In this episode: Men owe twice as much money as women, but women are more likely to struggle with debt and more likely to use 'sub-prime' credit - credit which is easier to access, but costs more in interest rates.

Everywoman - Women and Debt - 28 Dec 07 - Pt 1

PS. I may be offline til Monday as I am heading to DC area, Rockville to be exact for a performance at the Caribou Cafe on Norbeck Rd July 5th at 6:30 - 9:30pm. All my peeps from my hometown are coming and I am so excited! More next week.

Caribou Cafe Jul 5th 6:30 - 9:30pm
301-460-0047
5562 Norbeck Rd Rockville MD 20853
Photo credit: Gerald Peart 2007, Geefoto.com

Exploring Gender Cross-Culturally: Africa, Gender and Development

2008-07-03T11:48:00.000-04:00

In the representations of Black America we see through media and even through our neighborhoods, patriarchy tends to dominate. Even when it is said that women run the church, the school and even the home, it is men whom tends to be seen as the head of the household. Even his absence points to this as we speak often about the impact of not having a father on the wife/female partner, sons and daughters not to mention the community from both a generational and an economic development perspective. Women are increasingly becoming the heads of households around the world and since women tend to be paid less than men but often have children, this has led to the increasing femininization of poverty. So gender and economic development should be a concern for us all.

PRIORITY AFRICA - Gender Equality

Today, I found an interesting article online by Elizabeth ANNAN - YAO titled "African Gender Research in the New Millenium" She writes:

Gender relations in patrilineal communities differ greatly from those in matrilineal communities. In the former, women tend to be totally submissive to men (their
father, brothers, husband, uncles… ) and have hardly any decision-making powers nor the freedom of speech in public. Some common examples are that women easily yield to forced marriages; they have no political attributions and cannot inherit property…

On the other hand, in matrilineal communities, although women are submissive to men, they have some decision-making powers and liberty of expression and can generally choose their own husband. They can be Queen-Mothers in the political domain and can even inherit property from their maternal uncles and their mother...

Gender relations in general, but particularly in Africa, are always patriarchal in nature ... whether in a matrilineal or a patrilineal community, or whether in the upper classes of society, men always impose themselves on women and insist on the subordinate status of women. There is therefore the need to challenge gender inequalities, gender stereotypes, biased attitudes and harmful practices against women and also all forms of discrimination against women in order to promote gender equality which is a necessary tool for development.

I know you readers out there are reading. I can see I get hits everyday. My blog gets traffic. What would really make a difference is for this blog to live in both a read and write culture. Try commenting once a week if you read once a week.

Stephen Lewis on Gender Equality and the Women of Africa. - 1 min - Sep 29, 2006

Here's a question for the day: What differences do you perceive around your gender expression or role and your relationships with the economy, finances, money, your earning power aka your job/career, power relations at work or home, and even in dating or marriage relative to money?

Exploring Gender Cross-Culturally: Wrong Bathroom (GIE)

2008-07-02T12:38:00.006-04:00

THE WRONG BATHROOM

Ever had someone question your actual sex because you don't look like you express the gender associated with it? Gender Identity Expression is a serious source of confusion, hate, and even murder. Gender cross-culturally does not require crossing national borders to understand. For our friends and family who are gay, lesbian, transgender or bi, they encounter other "borders" of culture.

Most of my posts are coming from the perspective of being a black woman, a heterosexual, and a professor interested in stretching my own and others frame of reference. I often don't think of gender identity expression when thinking about gender relations but this video reminded me that my gay, lesbian, transgender and bi friends have other distinctions of gender that I can overlook.

Exploring Gender Cross-Culturally: Persia/Iran

2008-06-30T13:36:00.008-04:00

Thought it might be interesting to introduce other worldviews of gender during July. By comparing our norms and expectations of the relations between the sexes we gain the most insight into our own (not the other's). This is from Encyclopedia Iranica.

About the photo below: An Iranian woman veiled in modern fashion crosses a street in Tehran, 24 October 2006. From body-covering black chadors to colourful headscarves, the wearing of the veil is obligatory for all mature women in Iran, even though there is now a striking diversity in how it is observed. AFP PHOTO/BEHROUZ MEHRI

GENDER RELATIONS
Although belied by a more complex social reality and beneath temporal and local variations, three interrelated patterns permeate gender relations in contemporary Persia. They are (1) segregation of the sexes, (2) male domination/female subordination, and (3) the primary role of woman as wife and mother within the family unit.

SEGREGATION OF THE SEXES

In addition to divides defined by class, religious, ethnic, and generational differences, there has existed in Persia another division of the social order, one based on sex. This axis, around which society was, and, to a certain extent, continues to be organized, kept the world of men and women apart. Traditionally, men engaged in activities outside the house in the public sphere of politics and the market place. The world of women, on the other hand, was indoors. It was private and domestic.

One of the most compelling justifications for sex-segregation has been the belief that sexual desire is easily stimulated in both sexes and, if unregulated, can cause social mayhem and disorder. To channel sexual conduct properly, various forms of physical and symbolic barriers were created between the two sexes. To protect the integrity of the male line of descent, women's sexuality was closely monitored and contained. ...

Women's chastity has been inextricably linked with space. While mobility has always been valued and admired in men, it has often been associated with opportunity for sexual promiscuity in women. Kò^a@ba@ngard (street-walker), velgard (vagrant), and harja@÷^ (belonging or existing everywhere) are terms synonymous with prostitution when applied to women. Gomra@h kardan and az ra@h ba dar bordan (leading astray) are equivalent to seducing. The veil (see ÙADOR), the most conspicuous expression of sex-segregation, like the hymen (parda-ye bekarat), is perceived to be a physical impediment, an obstacle to men's and women's sexual temptation.

What is the most conspicuous expression of sex-segregation in American culture?
Is there something or some context analagous to the veil in U.S. society or within black culture??

Bathrooms?
Saunas?
Music production?
Genres of music and literature
Pornography (for men v. women on sale at news-stands)

Black Male Leadership in America and Support of Young Black Boys and Men in our Communities

2008-06-29T07:19:00.009-04:00

Unity for Change events happened all over the U.S. yesterday. In Brooklyn we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan with NY State Senator Eric Adams and a well-trained crew of activists with the Obama campaign. There was about 50-70 of us from age 5 to 60 and we chanted and got folks to blow their horns on the bridge. I learned I live in Senator Adams' jurisdiction, the 20th Senate District in Brooklyn (incl. Crown Heights). I told him of my concern about the kids in the high school on my corner where a knifing took place about a month and a half ago. Helicopters circled around my block for what seemed like half the day. I was thinking this is terrorizing our community. How long can you look for someone who knifed another kid in high school from an aerial view? And just how many times do they actually find anyone this way?

Senator Adams was familiar with Paul Robeson High on the corner of Albany and Dean in Crown Heights. He mentioned the knifing. That's probably the news that distinguishes the memory of the community relative to what's happening today. Sad.

I met some great people on the hike across the bridge. Two Ethiopian born Brooklynites. We had a chat about the possibility Barack Obama is to America. I mentioned that about 12 years ago I attended a Youth GospelFest co-sponsored by Quaker Oats where a white rep from the sponsor told a house full of black children and their parents "maybe one in 25 years from now, one of you will be president". In hindsight I can see what he was trying to do, but it left the rest of the adults in the room like me in shock. Back then that wasn't even a possibility, but it landed like we'd have to wait that long according to this white men. It couldn't happen now.

Thank God we really cannot predict the future, but we sure can be the change we want to see int the world. Barack has a future he is causing and he has invited us all to do the same.

I am writing a song about the saggin' pants that stand on the corners whom I've been criticizing but forgetting who I really am. A professor, someone who could listen their dreams and perhaps assist them in making it happen. A success coach. A member of their community. The song is called WHO LET 'EM DOWN signifying on their saggin pants and who we adults have not been being for this young men.

Always watchin' them in silence
While my teeth are filled with rage
Doing the nothing is such violence

Everyday I don't deliver
Went to college but I run
from saggin pants I let down...

(Hook:) I'd like to change the world--- but I don't know what to do-o.

The myth that this style of dress comes from Riker's Island may be true but what's worse is that those of us with college and university degrees are a brain drain on our communities if we don't step up, lift these brothers up to their dreams. It's not what we want for them, but what they want for themselves or their lives. The song says "Being liberal is such nonsense."

We'll roll this puppy out in an acoustic set for voice and guitar at my gigs this summer. Next one is Sat July 5th in Rockville, MD at Caribou Cafe at 6:30pm (no cover) and then on Tue Jul 21 at Cornelis Street Cafe in Manhattan at 8:30pm ($10)

A DOSE OF REALITY 'SAGGIN PANTS" (from documentary)

Hits have increased on Black People Meet

2008-06-26T21:07:00.007-04:00

I can't explain it at all. I've been getting these great hits on my black people meet profile since I posted the list yesterday (see the post here on Black People Meet 6/25). Go figure! Tell it like it is and be straight and you'll get what you want? Is that the way it works? Maybe the site will deliver on black people meetin' after all.

KYRA'S GOT GIGS! (photo by Gerald Peart ©2007)Hey for those of you in the DC area or NYC area I have a couple of gigs coming up. In the process or writing a new song about my lack of action regarding mentoring the boys and young men on my block in Brooklyn. Inspired by my hatred of saggin pants, I question not them but my lack of action or talk. The song ends with me asking them what their commitments are. I plan to record a few of them sharing this and then overdub it into the song I am writing. I am calling it "Who Let Them Down (I'd Like to Change the World, But I Don't Know What to Do)."

BE THE TRUE REVOLUTION/
UNITE FOR CHANGE TOUR
Kyra Gaunt (vocals)
Tomás Doncker (guitar/vocals)
Buy Kyra's CD at iTunes or CDBaby.net

Sat July 5th 6:30 to 9:30PM

Caribou Café /Rockville - No cover

5562 Norbeck RD Rockville MD 20853 (301) 460-0047

Tue July 22nd 8:30PM

4th Songwriter's Beat Festival
Cornelia Street Café - $10

29 Cornelia Street bet Bleecker and West 4th St New York, New York 10014 (212) 989-9319

RSVP - Let us know you're coming to either
event by emailing: kyraocity@gmail.com

JOIN THE KYRAOCITY MAILING LIST

Critique of Black People Meet

2008-06-25T11:43:00.014-04:00

After spending day after day checking my BLACK PEOPLE MEET site for mail I've come to a few conclusions about the site. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow the responses I get on BPM will turn around (Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result -- Einstein). The subscription initially costs $39 plus $8.95 per month. That's about $140/year x 40 profilers = $5,600 a year (not 67.000 as I had typed earlier-lol). They have way more than 40 subscribers. What a business! I should go into this one.

I was inspired by the disappointing results and this fact about the income they generate to create a list that spells out how blackpeoplemeet.com REALLY works for most consumers o the product. I posted this list as my greeting on my profile as well. LOL!

NO FLIRTS PLEASE: Men and women visit profiles that say "no flirts" (short hand notes with icons that say "I like your profile" or "I'm interested" or "You're cute") and still ignore the profiler's request and wonder why they get no response and no dates.
WHO'S VIEWED ME? A Who's Viewed Me? link lets you see the pics and profiles of others who visit your profile. From that you can tell who replies and who doesn't but knowing all that doesn't make a difference in your rate of return even if you reach out after they visit and don't reply. So what's the point? To keep us busy.
HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU BEFORE: If you stay on the site and pay your membership for more than a year you'll see the same faces looking over time but still get no real response.
EARNING FROM LONGING (or misery loves company): Black People Meet (as well as Black Yahoo Personals and BlackSingles.com or other subscription dating services) depends on making money from our lack of commitment and we keep coming back because the state of our longing continues. This is why most consumers of these dating service don't demand the demonstrate and display their success rates before registeration.
COMMITMENT: It is said you can tell what you are committed to by looking at where you spend your time and money and the results you have as a function of those actions. Perhaps the site should be called Black People Don't Meet.
SOUNDTRACK: It should be the Isley Brothers "Who's that Lady? esp. when they sing the part that says "Look, but don't touch, baby, nah, nah, nah, don't touch!"
FEAR: Black people are afraid in person and online so the tip of the iceberg (lack of connections on blackpeoplemeet.com) reflects the mountain of fear and unfillment that many black singles experience in everyday life.

I wonder if Black Yahoo Personals and BlackSingles.com works this way too? Anyone know?

I assert this experience might be a measure of the state of black relationships or better yet the state of our commitment to being related. I'd love to hear about your online experiences. I'd rather hear about those who have actual experience (on the court) rather than critiques about those who use these sites but have not (peanut gallery; from the stands).

George Carlin R.I.P!

2008-06-23T08:45:00.007-04:00

So much of what my life is coming to be about is in some way epitomized by social commentator and philosopher as counter-culture comedian George Carlin who died in Santa Monica on Sunday evening of cardiac arrest. What I mean is that "being offended" has increasingly become a resource for discovering how American culture ticks, what makes racism and sexism and the lack of Success with opposite sexes tick. Being offended seems to point to many of our cultural superstitions and Carlin was a pro at distinguishing such superstitions.

"The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition," Carlin told the AP in a 2004 interview. "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. ... It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have." AP article

Carlin was the first host for Saturday Night Live in 1975 and was a winner of several Grammys. [His] "jokes constantly breached the accepted boundaries of comedy and language, particularly with his routine on the 'Seven Dirty Words' " for which he was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace in Milwaukee in 1972. Though the case was dismissed citing free speech and the lack of any disturbance, after being aired on WBAI-FM radio in NYC, a 1978 Supreme Court ruling upheld the government's authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language during hours when children might be listening.

"So my name is a footnote in American legal history, which I'm perversely kind of proud of," he told The Associated Press earlier this year (ibid).

I have to admit when I woke to the news on NPR this morning, I was so sad to hear of his passing. I love what the Reuters wrote: Edgy comic dies as "a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs, dirty words and the demise of humanity." Such moments of loss remind me why I love living in a YouTube era. I can share Carlin with those of you unfamiliar with his work. Thought it fitting to bring him into the SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX(TM) blog because he brought gender issues as well as issues of war, whiteness, and corruption in American politics to the fore in an inimitable way. Check it out!

Pro Life is Anti-Woman - George Carlin

Hip-hop, Fathers and the reaction to having a daughter

2008-06-22T05:36:00.008-04:00

A male friend of mine whom I had not spoken to for a while informed me that he had some good news to share. He had had a baby. She was now 7 months old. The proud papa is a traditionally minded Jamaican man. Opens doors. Thinks his future wife should never have to work if she doesn't want to and definitely not while she is pregnant. Once told me that all men want a respectable smart business savy woman by day and a slut at night. He's a young man doing quite well in real estate in Brooklyn. Despite his traditional thinking, he's baby's mama remains just a girlfriend.

Fatherhood relative to daughters is uniquely distinct from the relationship to a son. As the new daddy shared his newfound doting on this little 7-month old female being, he shared how it was affecting his listening habits relative to hip-hop. Born in Jamaica, he was raised up in the Caribbean enclave of Bed-Stuy Brooklyn. (Go Brooklyn!!) He grew up a fan of Biggie and Jay-Z. He told me he especially admired Jay-Z as both rapper and business man (see post and video refuting that Jay-Z smacked a women in Africa in 2004). What's interesting is that ever since my friend's little girl came into the picture, his interest in hip-hop's misogyny has done a 180º. He said essentially he listens differently to all the ways men represent women now. (Pictured: three-time Grammy Award-winning rapper and actor Chris Bridges aka Ludacris with his daughter).

I shared a not-so surprised acknowledgement of this phenomenon. It happened with Nas too and a host a men who love hip-hop whom I have known or written about. I wrote about Nas in a book to be released by Michael Eric Dyson in Jan 2009 devoted to the great Nasty Nas (more on that to come). Nas actually created the anthem "I Can" for his daughter because all the hip-hop out there was so misogynistic. I only wish men would realize, I told my friend, this revelation long before they had a female child. It's imperative they begin to, that men are willing to discover the impact this music has on their disrespect of not only women, but themselves esp. in the public sphere.

According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book titled, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs, the needs of men often differ from that of women. Men often yearn for respect, while women generally want to feel loved. That may be but perhaps we need a bit more of the reverse.

Michelle Obama: Reflecting a New Generation of Gender Roles for Women

2008-06-20T09:53:00.004-04:00

Michelle Obama co-hosts ABC's The View with Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg,
Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Sherri Shepherd.

Going On: After Heartbreak

2008-06-19T02:45:00.003-04:00

About 7 weeks ago I thought I had the most incredible connection I'd ever had on a date. Witty, intellectual, sexy, gentleman from Jamaica. Long and short of it, he disappeared after the 2nd date despite communication to the contrary--I wouldn't have pegged him as the type to simply up and disappear. Something hooked him and he was unwilling to share what happened.

So 7 weeks later I want to listen to "Who's Gonna Save My Soul" by Gnarls Barkley over and over again. I got the blues. I'm offended and disappointed. I tried to be strong about it 6 weeks ago. Hey I am a beautiful woman. I tried to convince myself---be strong in my view of it all. If he do this, it's probably for the best.

Downloaded an old Cee-lo CD. Soul singing heals all wounds. Then discovered this video "Going On". Instead of loading the former video, this is more appropriate. And it's set in Jamaica.

During the first two years of Success with the Opposite Sex I learned from the men in the group (kind of like the "He ain't that into you" vein) that we women always want to hear them tell us WHY it ain't working. A brother in the group, sort of macho, old-fashioned but bookwarm type gave it to us straight: If he ain't calling, that IS the message. Why do you need to hear it again?

So I'm going on!

R Kelly Verdict: Black Men Speak Out

2008-06-18T08:21:00.007-04:00

Spelman Professor and Journalist Jelani Cobb, a colleague and friend, shared this piece today. I am posting it in response to the verdict in the 5-week R Kelly child prnography case. View several videos about the case and fan reactions at ChicagoTribune.com.

I was appalled. I heard some jurors felt the 13-year seemed too developed to give her case credibility though she never testified in court and she denied it was her on the tape. What could the jurors do with that. But some are suspicious of the circumstances anyhow.

Check this statement out by Jelani and the brothers who contributed to BE A FATHER TO YOUR CHILD that I wrote about a couple days ago.

Dear Friends:
I am one of the contributors to the anthology Be A Father to Your Child, which focuses on encouraging healthy fatherhood development in the black community. We felt it necessary to issue the following statement and petition in response to the recent verdict in R. Kelly's child pornography trial.

Please read and, if you agree, sign and forward this to your networks.

Sincerely,
Jelani Cobb

Statement of Black Men Against the Exploitation of Black Women
Six years have gone by since we first heard the allegations that R. Kelly had filmed himself having sex with an underage girl. During that time we have seen the videotape being hawked on street corners in Black communities, as if the dehumanization of one of our own was not at stake. We have seen entertainers rally around him and watched his career reach new heights despite the grave possibility that he had molested and urinated on a 13-year old girl. We saw African Americans purchase millions of his records despite the long history of such charges swirling around the singer. Worst of all, we have witnessed the sad vision of Black people cheering his acquittal with a fervor usually reserved for community heroes and shaken our heads at the stunning lack of outrage over the verdict in the broader Black community.

Over these years, justice has been delayed and it has been denied. Perhaps a jury can accept R. Kelly's absurd defense and find "reasonable doubt" despite the fact that the film was shot in his home and featured a man who was identical to him. Perhaps they doubted that the young woman in the courtroom was, in fact, the same person featured in the ten year old video. But there is no doubt about this: some young Black woman was filmed being degraded and exploited by a much older Black man, some daughter of our community was left unprotected, and somewhere another Black woman is being molested, abused or raped and our callous handling of this case will make it that much more difficult for her to come forward and be believed. And each of us is responsible for it.

We have proudly seen the community take to the streets in defense of Black men who have been the victims of police violence or racist attacks, but that righteous outrage only highlights the silence surrounding this verdict.

We believe that our judgment has been clouded by celebrity-worship; we believe that we are a community in crisis and that our addiction to sexism has reached such an extreme that many of us cannot even recognize child molestation when we see it.
We recognize the absolute necessity for Black men to speak in a single, unified voice and state something that should be absolutely obvious: that the women of our community are full human beings, that we cannot and will not tolerate the poisonous hatred of women that has already damaged our families, relationships and culture.

We believe that our daughters are precious and they deserve our protection. We believe that Black men must take responsibility for our contributions to this terrible state of affairs and make an effort to change our lives and our communities.

This is about more than R. Kelly's claims to innocence. It is about our survival as a community. Until we believe that our daughters, sisters, mothers, wives and friends are worthy of justice, until we believe that rape, domestic violence and the casual sexism that permeates our culture are absolutely unacceptable, until we recognize that the first priority of any community is the protection of its young, we will remain in this tragic dead-end.

We ask that you:
Sign your name if you are a Black male who supports this statement: http://www.petitiononline.com/rkelly/petition.html
Forward this statement to your entire network and ask other Black males to sign as well
Make a personal pledge to never support R. Kelly again in any form or fashion, unless he publicly apologizes for his behavior and gets help for his long-standing sexual conduct, in his private life and in his music
Make a commitment in your own life to never to hit, beat, molest, rape, or exploit Black females in any way and, if you have, to take ownership for your behavior, seek emotional and spiritual help, and, over time, become a voice against all forms of Black female exploitation
Challenge other Black males, no matter their age, class or educational background, or status in life, if they engage in behavior and language that is exploitative and or disrespectful to Black females in any way. If you say nothing, you become just as guilty.
Learn to listen to the voices, concerns, needs, criticisms, and challenges of Black females, because they are our equals, and because in listening we will learn a new and different kind of Black manhood
We support the work of scholars, activists and organizations that are helping to redefine Black manhood in healthy ways. Additional resources are listed below.

Books:
Who's Gonna Take the Weight, Kevin Powell
New Black Man, Mark Anthony Neal
Deals with the Devil and Other Reasons to Riot, Pearl Cleage
Traps: African American Men on Gender and Sexuality, Rudolph Byrd and Beverly Guy-Sheftall
On Gender Relations & stereotypes (the issue is not limited to black masculinity and many women supported the R Kelly's verdict):
The Games Black Girls Play: Learning the Ropes from Double-Dutch to Hip-Hop, Kyra D. Gaunt
Films:
I Am A Man: Black Masculinity in America, by Byron Hurt
Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes, by Byron Hurt
NO! The Rape Documentary, by Aishah Simmons
Organizations
The 2025 Campaign: www.2025bmb.org
Men Stopping Violence: www.menstoppingviolence.org

Father's Day Challenge: Healing Rifts between Daddies and Daughters

2008-06-13T12:26:00.006-04:00

This is a Father's Day Challenge.
It brings the ultimate gift to many dads out there once called "deadbeat" dads or those who lost touch with their children for whatever reason. It's funny how some of us abhor holidays and rant on about how crass the commericialism of such holidays can be. But they are scheduled occasions to honor this or that. This one is to honor our fathers.

I wrote this after listening to WNYC's Brian Lehrer Show this morning.
They did a piece on a memoir called The Film Club about a professor whose son preferred to drop out of school at 16 and he created a kind of film school for him. After the show, they had open phones for gift ideas for Father's Day. I wrote this:
I am 45.
At the age of 40 I met my birth father for the first time. My dad was not in my life. Last year he told me "I was young and foolish and you're mom said 'You don't have to stay'." So he didn't. My father passed away of prostate cancer last Feb. -- one of too many black men suffering from a disease with a 90% cure rate.

The Challenge: be the first to reach out to your dad and do what I did. I thanked him five years ago for having a roll in the hay with my mom. If it wasn't for him (as well as my mom) I would have the remarkable life I have as a scholar, performer and coach.

Another kind of gift:
I wrote a song in honor of my reunion with my dad called "BLACK CAN BE ME" a blues about what can come from reconciling with your father and the positive impact it has on loving others esp. men.

The CD would be a great gift with my story for your dad or any dad whose daughter or son has not made the move yet.

BE THE TRUE REVOLUTION (self-produced) is the name of the album and "Black Can Be Me" the single - Here are the links to both on iTunes and CDBaby.net

Would love to hear your stories about your dad and people who overcame the distance between daddies and daughters.

Rethinking Intimacy

2008-06-12T02:34:00.006-04:00

I had a great experience of sadness today. Just being with that I was truly sad and shared it with a friend. True intimacy emerged. Intimacy still is so often collapsed with sex and physical interaction. Found a great article on intimacy and boundaries. (Photo from Intimacy: The Sensual Essence of Flowers by Joyce Tenneson)

"Most of us are much more hurt when our feelings are [not returned or are disrespected] than when our behaviors are criticized. This is especially true about our hidden desires for someone to nurture us. In an intimate relationship, this is the experiential truth that is most risky to show. When we reveal our dependence on the other person, criticism can feel devastating.

[Sometimes] We’ve lost some hope that we can immediately experience that tender connection. When this happens, we can’t let go of the pain unless we have the capacity to mourn. When we have to pull back and rely on ourselves alone, it’s important to feel sad. Many of us do not do this well because we have a sense of shame about sadness. And because we’re blocked from feeling sad, we’re often blocked from pulling back into our own frame of reference. Healthy sadness is an essential tool for deepening intimacy. It allows us to lessen our risks because it allows us to separate emotionally when we need to." Bryce Kaye

Can you tell me
.......your darkest secret

and share about
.........the greatest meal
you'll never have?

©2008 Kyra Gaunt

BAF: "Be a Father" Event (June 2, 2008)

2008-06-10T19:11:00.003-04:00

AkilaWorksongs and Kevin Powell and others produced an anthology called BE A FATHER.

During the event rapper Rhymefest came to the floor with his 9-year old son Solomon for an unrehearsed Q&A. He asked Solomon to write down 5 questions that he would like answered that he had never asked before. I never had God until you came into my life responded Rhymefest to one of the questions. It's a must listen! Really excellent father-son dialogue. The audio is from Davey D's website. Rhymefest also says something profound "They asked me to freestyle...rappin' ain't always appropriate...we expect rappers to rap too much...[instead] of being leaders."

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The book is in your local bookstore NOW and online at amazon.com, barnesandboble.com, booksense.com

Policing the Social Construct of a Man's Role in Marriage

2008-06-09T14:38:00.004-04:00

I don't usually pay much attention but I happened across the headline in a store the other day that caught my SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX(TM) radar:

Mariah Carey treats new husband Nick Cannon like an assistant
Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were enjoying a romantic dinner at Gyu-Kaku in LA when suddenly, the pop diva felt the urge to use the restroom. “She told Nick to escort her to the bathroom,” a witness at the restaurant on May 12 tells In Touch. “He walked here there, then waited outside the door. It was like he was on her security team.”

Insiders say that since the two married in the Bahamas on April 30, Nick seems more like Mariah’s employee than her spouse. “She treats Nick like an assistant,” says a friend of Mariah’s. “He’s not treated like her equal or her husband.” Nick also seems to be at Mariah’s beck and call. “He’s very attentive to her,” his pal… Kevin Frazier tells In Touch.
[From In Touch, print edition, June 2, 2008]

The article mentioned Cannon's age (27) and though Mariah's age is not revealed (how gracious of the writers), it was clear that all these details were there to support a cultural myth we have not about superdivas, but about men and their proper roles as the one wearing the pants in a relationship.

I recall when Brandy got married and MTV did a whole reality stint with them. I remembering noticing that her then young husband (now divorced) was not going to like the idea of being represented as a kept man. She kept calling him "pooky" and her voice dominated the narrative in the biopic. It was not long after they divorced. When I saw the piece on Mariah and Nick I thought here we go again.

I teach my anthro students about social constructs. I suggest they are like superstitions we live by like the earth being flat and they shape our thoughts and actions and feelings even though they are anything but true. Here the social construct is about masculinity. You can translate it into hip-hop/black terms "being p*ssy-whipped," "pimped," playin you like a b*tch". All these comments are what polices the boundary of an old antiquated and not real view of the way men should be with women. It's so outdated and doesn't allow for any individuality or self-expression.

A social contruct is "is a concept or practice which may appear to be natural and obvious to those who accept it, but in reality is an invention or artifact of a particular culture or society" (Wikipedia). The way men are or are supposed to be may seem natural but it is invented and could be interpreted any number of ways. These socially agreed upon constructs are often limiting and damage the possibility of having what one truly wants in life with one's partner.

What is masculinity to you? Surely your view is tainted with a social construct. Mine is. I love a man to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors, pay for the dates, but that is not what makes him a man. Masculinity is just his expression. It may complement and overlap with what I express as a female, as femininity and it can even be something I've never imagined.

Tabloids will be tabloids. But will we have enough sense to not continue the superstition about the way we think men oughta be?

Index under Sex or Fantasy

2008-06-07T02:23:00.005-04:00

From one of my favorite curious
blogs called INDEXED by Jessica Hagy.
This index card is labeled "Robin is that you?". LOL!! Click on the index card to go to the site.

Me on the Year-End Cruise laughing it off.

Risk and Opportunity

2008-06-06T11:54:00.005-04:00

Just checked out a former colleague's blog Clearing for Love. Cat writes:

"In the film Evan Almighty - there’s a scene in which God (Morgan Freeman) says, "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives him patience? or does God give them opportunities to be patience? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage? or does God give them opportunities to be courageous? …”
It may not have been the best movie I’ve ever seen, but this quote is right on. We’re given opportunities to be that which we wish to be in life every moment: courageous, loving, open…."

I really loved reading this today and offer if to my readers. What opportunities have been showing up for you to take a risk; to be a way you've never been before? For me, I think it's to be someone who is daring to have what I want in the face of circumstances I DO NOT like particularly with men. Being uncomfortable. Thinking maybe I don't/won't like him that way. Etc.

Had a lovely date yesterday with a friend who adores me. I tend to be judgmental of the ones who really truly adore me. I make it about me and what I am looking for. I could come from, as Cat suggests, how extraordinary men are being with me and just be with that. I got that yesterday. I didn't take the risk yet but I opened the door to it.

Are you a securely attached, anxiously attached, or avoidantly attached

2008-06-05T09:27:00.008-04:00

Last night went to see Choreographer Dianne McIntyre and Mississippi Bluesman musician Olu Dara (Nas's dad) in Brooklyn perform Peaches, Plums, and Pontifications at the BRIC Studio. This collaboration between a woman and a man couldn't have been more perfect.

“I knew, if I ever got a chance to work with Dianne, it would be like a horse and a carriage,” [Olu Dara] said in a recent interview in his apartment in Harlem. “I felt she needed something closer to who she was....She would be fully Dianne,” he added, chuckling, and “I could be fully Olu.”(La Rocco, NYTimes May 25. 2008).

I went to a lovely little restaurant called Scopello in Fort Greene to grab a bite after the show. Had the best ceasar salad with homemade dressing and anchovies I have had in years. Also had the butternut squash ravioli. It was a lovely meal. Struck up a conversation with a man at the bar. He's an Algerian-born New Yorker now living in Atlanta. (That's life for you in the 21st century!) The gentleman, a chef by trade, seemed quite interested in our conversation and eventually me. During our conversation, after I shared about Success with the Opposite Sex (TM), I noticed how resigned he is about relating to the opposite sex and romantic relationships. He is not alone, I told him. Most of us in our thirties and forties are saying this, as if it's true we are never going to be happy.

This got me thinking about how attached we are to having things work and then we give up when the last relationship doesn't turn out. So I did a little work on attachment for you today. But first a little more about the collaboration I experienced last night in the performance.

Dianne and Olu are...secure individuals working and collaborating together without trying to make it fit. Olu is a ladies' (emphasis on the plural) man, a playa, a sweet-talkin', bullshittin', cut-you-to-the-core-with-laughter, bluesman who makes the greatest live musical experiences I have ever had. Dianne's choreography is from Slavery and Reconstruction to the Harlem Renaissance Reloaded for the 21st century. It's Improvisational downhome-edness with rigorous dance technique. She asked the audience how we would describe Peaches, Plums, and Pontifications after the show. I said "There are a lot of themes about death and rejuvenation. It's like the blues come alive." What I left thinking about relative to attachment from their collaboration is, they have no attachment to how things should be, how they should work together, they are just totally connected without changing a thing about the other. KnowwhatImean???!!??

CONDITIONS OF ATTACHMENT (cf. John Bowlby's Theory):

"When potential threats are perceived, secure individuals should remain confident that current [partners] will be attentive, responsive, and available to meet their needs and mitigate their distress. These beliefs should increase their feelings of security, deactivating their [need for] attachment ... and allowing secure individuals to use constructive, problem-focused coping strategies. ...

[W]hen [insecurely attached] individuals who are anxiously attached perceive threats, they are likely to be uncertain that their attachment figures will be sufficiently attentive, available, and responsive to their needs. These worries should sustain their anxiety and keep their attachment systems online, leading anxious persons to adopt emotion-focused coping strategies (e.g., remaining hypervigilant to signs of possible loss, ruminating about worst-case scenarios).

When individuals who are avoidantly attached feel threatened [i.e., trust issues abound], they are likely to experience—but perhaps not consciously acknowledge—distress and anxiety at a physiological level. To keep their attachment systems deactivated, these individuals would be expected to strive to inhibit and control their emotions by deploying avoidant coping strategies.

[PROBABLE RESPONSES:] Securely attached individuals, for example, [usually] focus on building greater intimacy with their attachment figures. Individuals who are insecurely attached ... cope differently, consistent with the particular form of insecurity they manifest. Those who are anxiously attached [often] yearn to achieve greater “felt security” [perhaps experienced as "neediness" in lay terms]. Those who are avoidantly attached [often] strive to obtain and maintain interpersonal autonomy and control [I'm fine and I don't need you. /I can do bad by myself .]."
(Simpson, Jeffry A. et. al. 2007. "Attachment and the Experience and Expression of Emotions in Romantic Relationships: A Developmental Perspective." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , Vol. 92, No. 2: 355–367.)

So where are you right now? You could be in a different space tomorrow? Just check in right now. Are you a securely attached individual, an anxiously attached individual, or an avoidantly attached individual when it comes to SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (TM)?? Where are you on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being securely attached and 5 being avoidantly attached?

One day I am gonna get y'all to really reply instead of lurking out their anonymously. LOL!
Oh me? Where am I? Today, with no one calling and me not calling anyone, I might say that I am a 5, avoidantly attached. Hey but I have an adult playdate today with a male friend who adores me. And I am not avoiding it. LOL!

Online Dating or is it Really Online Waiting

2008-06-02T11:13:00.009-04:00

What is it about these online dating games? I've been on http://blackplanet.com and http://blacksingles.com and now http://blackpeoplemeet.com. Long ago I did http://match.com but there was so little selection among black men, my preference. Each one there are always plenty of men to choose from but very little connecting just for the fun of it. We are all spending our money to meet people. The companies are making a killing of our lack of commitment to having what we came for. When we will really get that we are really not committed to being in relationship, experiencing intimacy, dating and marrying. But we love looking like we are committed.

COMMITMENT: (1) the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; (2) an engagement by contract involving financial obligation; "his business commitments to him to London; (3) a message that makes a pledge.

I see how I waffle between aspiring commitment, acknowledged commitment and experienced commitment. I am committed to definition #2, the financial obligation because I've paid about $100 a year for online dating. Others pay as much as $300 or more a year with these sites. More often than not all I have as a result of that commitment is online waiting. Think about it this way. When I do a perfect match search on blackpeoplemeet.com it comes up with about 200 people for me. 200 peoples times $100/year = $2000 made off of people's unfulfilled commitment. You know there's thousands of people on this one site and they probably facilitate LatinPeopleMeet.com and JewishPeopleMeet.com etc. They are gaining off our our unfulfilled commitment. But I stay because I haven't found an alternative is what I justify in my head. But in reality, I like so many others are just afraid to go out and meet people. Join a club or organization is what I am looking at next. I want to meet people in the flesh not sit at home wondering and waiting for the perfect match online.

They say you know how you can tell what you're committed to? Just look at what you have in that area and that's what you've been committed to in the past. Once you see that and accept that IS what you have been committed to, you can choose to really look at what you've been doing and who you've been being that had that be the result of your commitments.

POSTSCRIPT: Had a little mixer for reloading my meetup group Friday night at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn (May 31). One sister who grew up in Fort Greene commented "when did Frank's become a hoodrat hangout." We made the best of it. Had some Cuban dinner, examined what our core values were as an exercise. Had 9 people rsvp - 6 women, 3 men. 4 sisters showed up; you can expect about 40-50% turnout from your rsvps. We had a good time AND we missed having the masculine energy around. I'm returning to my strategy that each sex must invite a person of the opposite sex to maintain gender parity at future events.

The Singles Map Says NY-NJ is a perfect place to be a single man

2008-06-01T16:47:00.004-04:00

If you're looking for women, move to NY-NJ. Men move to LA-Long Beach.

If you thinking of move as a single woman, move West. Single man, move East. Click on the singles map from National Geographic Feb 2007 issue.

Why is it that both the country is divided and men and women seem to be moving in opposite directions?

From DC to Boston are cities with large numbers of women over men. In urban centers from Newark to Connecticut, there are 185,000 more single women than men.

Obama, Racism + Sexism, and Agreeing to be Offended

2008-05-31T13:20:00.009-04:00

RACISM AND SEXISM LIMIT SUCCESS WITH OPPOSITE SEX
I came across Michelle Obama and the silence of the feminists on the blog THE G-SPOT while creating a subscription for the word "racism" on del.icio.us account at http://del.icio.us/subscriptions/kyraocity. . This led me to the blog Jack and Jill Politics where I found the offensive image of Michelle Obama to the right: she's being branded by the KKK. The image apparently first appeared on a democratic site (not a McCain or Bush site) that supported Hilary Clinton. Jack and Jill Politics provides insightful criticism about this event. It's a must read.

"AGREE TO BE OFFENDED"
I gave a workshop on racism on May 18th at Landmark Education's Conference for Global Transformation in San Francisco. The title of the presentation is "Agree to be Offended: Curious Connections in Conversations of Race." Stay tuned for a narrated PowerPoint presentation which will be available as a podcast on YouTube and iTunes in June.

I invite us all to consider it is what we never say but is there to be said about racism and being offended by racism or sexism that is keeping what we most despise (stereotypes, hate crimes, etc.) in place. It seems I would much rather flame about racism, gossip to the people who agree with my opinion of that it's wrong, I talk about the tip of the iceberg and end up ignore what's behind it, the mountain of racial and racist conversations from people I know and in the end I am left disempowered and waiting for the next time it happens.

I invite people to AGREE TO BE OFFENDED and STAY IN THE CONVERSATION with the very one whom you think offended you. This will happen at the person to person level first and foremost and it's likely to be your friends and family rather than the KKK whom you can intervene with. Get interested in what's behind their thoughts, actions and feelings.

A PRACTICE FOR US ALL:
From taking on this practice, I have seen people miraculously see the limitations of their own thinking without me telling them what I think. Just consider they haven't really been heard out and they keep screaming louder and louder or making images to spread their views without having to face opposition. If they were heard, perhaps they could stop their own hate. I just watched a video of Avenue Q, the musical, "Everyone is Little Bit Racist". What we have been doing isn't working to stop it. Let's try something new.

You may have lots to say about this image. But Michelle Obama continues to be graceful in the face of such harassment. She is going to be an extraordinary First Woman (and Lady). Hope feminists of all walks of life (including male feminists like Kevin Powell and Mark Anthony Neal blog about this one). The Obamas have brought something we have longed for to the country - powerful, authentic speaking and grace under fire. I am proud to be for the Obamas and am inspired to promote his campaign. I have never donated to a presidential campaign before and I've donated now 4 or 5 times. It is ok to be offended by the above image, but it's what you do, what action and talk comes after that that will make a difference. CONTRIBUTE TO and/or VOLUNTEER FOR THE CAMPAIGN OF YOUR CHOICE!! Si se puede!

Latinos for Obama Video
Love this video: had to share it with you all...Inspired by his previous work with will.i.am on the viral web video "We Are The Ones," acclaimed music producer Andres Levin has united many leading figures of the Latin music and film community in an all Spanish language video in support of Barack Obama.

Song produced by: Andres Levin
Guitar by: Alejandro Sanz
Additional music and programming: Didi Gutman, Good and Evil
Assistant engineer: Ray Aldaco at Fun Machine
Video produced by: Scott Spanjich, Pilar O'Leary
Directors: William Garcia (Miami), Karen Fischer (NYC), Christian Suau (Puerto Rico), Jesse Dylan (Los Angeles), Bob Teitel (Chicago)
Executive Producers: Andres Levin, Scott Spanjich
Associate Producer: Alex Migoya

Talent: Alejandro Sanz, Paulina Rubio, John Leguizamo, Jessica Alba, Kate del Castillo, Cucu Diamantes (Yerba Buena), Pedro Martinez (Yerba Buena), Andres Levin (Yerba Buena), George Lopez, Luis Guzman, Don Omar, Voltio, Lila Downs, Lin Manuel Miranda, Frankie Needles, Huey Dunbar, Nydia Caro,
Ivonne Caro Caro, Brazilian Girls, Carlos Marín and family, Carola Gonzalez, Viva Nativa, Jose Alberti

Mechanical parts. Male + Female

2008-05-30T14:05:00.008-04:00

Mechanical parts
male + female
Social ambiguity
Together must we fail?

Love is simple
Bring that to the table. - Kyra Gaunt ©2008

Inspired by kinetic sculpture by Arthur Ganson (see his Ted Talk at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/267)

TITLE: Arthur Ganson - Little yellow chair

Sculpture as a metaphor for Collaboration & Partnership

2008-05-29T09:24:00.008-04:00

Last year while teaching about Baroque music, I discovered through a YouTube video the Baroque sculpture of David of David and Goliath fame by Gian Lorenzo Bernini (1623). The idea of sculpting life became a metaphor for lots of things that matter to me. Sculpting my day. Sculpting or designing how partnership could look to me--what would fulfill me. Seeing it, like Michelangelo saw David in the stone of marble before he began to sculpt it, seeing what I what and taking the actions to have that vision fulfilled.

We are not so great about that when it comes to relationships. Not simply our romantic visions of relationships or our practical experiences with any relationship. Our relationship with our parent of the opposite sex. With the boss of the opposite sex. With our children of the opposite sex. I am very interested in the gender dynamics we have envisioned for ourselves in the opposite sex scenario. Why do we make it so hard--like a stone that cannot be altered?

I see myself resisting a parternship around leading and facilitating powerful relationships between men and women particularly in dating, romance and marriage. Alex, my best friend from grad school's husband, has been doing similar work with gender relations in Philly and he and I have been talking here and there about collaborating and I notice that my vision of our collaboration is laden with stereotypes about working or partnering with men in business.

I notice I don't know how to dance in conversation with him. I am always thinking he's dominating the conversation. So what do I do? Dominate back. Don't say all that there is to say. I start acting like the subordinate woman and then the call takes forever because I am mostly not doing the things I know to do or say. Trying to be nice. (stinky!! yuck!!)

But how great it is to see the situation as that block of stone to carve and create in instead of off the bat deciding this is not going to work. What if being in relationship, in communication, with the opposite sex is like getting a chunk of stone to work with, to create from, and you can create ANYTHING? No, not like fixing and changing the other person like there an object to be molded or altered. I mean really partnering in conversation--collaborating around what we say, could say and have never said in the moment. What would that be like for you?

For me I think it's like the magnetic sculpture below. I found it in another YouTube video. Can you tell I am a YouTube geek? Out of creating events for Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM), I have discovered the power of using other kinds of tactile arts and our senses to get at things we don't always talk about in gender relations. Oh, and I'll tell you more about what Alex and I will be working on together as it materializes...as we sculpt. Alex is a poet and a motivational speaker and his website is http://4mankind.net

Magnetic Sculpture by Sachiko Kodama and Minkako Takeno: "Protrude + Flow"

Really Getting What You Want in a Romantic Relationship

2008-05-28T13:18:00.010-04:00

Last night I got some of the best coaching I've had about my romantic relationships. I participate in transformational work at Landmark Education and last night one of my coaches shared a great insight with me about my dating life and I'd like to share what i got and what I see for my work with Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM).

So lately I've been meeting some wonderful men but it's also been ending rather quickly without a clue. I always think it's me and it's personal. I bet I am not alone in that. I also think at age 45 I'm gonna end up like one of my aunts who has never been married. It seems like she's just given up on the idea of having a life partner or being married. And everyone in the family seems to think that about her too. I am the only one in my generation who has not been married in my immediate family. But most of the marriages in my family are not working as well as any of them would like them to. There is no LOVE and AFFINITY truly present to me in those relationships but I am an outsider. People have often associated me with my aunt because we both aren't married. But the operative word for me is "YET!"

And I've had people who've participated in SWTOS ask well what about you? You aren't in a relationship. How can you coach other people in Success with the Opposite Sex? A quote I love says "“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson I am convinced that I am not and will not be stopped by failure. And I am out to teach others that the answer is to stay in the game, on the court, until you win the game you're out to win. “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Herman Cain

When holidays roll around, I seem to experience or feel more lonely. I went to a great film the other night alone (Check out THE VISITOR). The trailer is so perfect in this context (the voiceover begins "I haven't done any real work in a very long time. I pretend"). I really enjoyed the film and yet the next day I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely holidays have been for me and even worrying about what the 4th of July would be like. I had spent the weekend at the Bazaar at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music hosts an annual event called DANCE AFRICA every Memorial Day). I was "melanating" with hundreds of black people and still I was insisting in my head that I am alone or lonely. Saw a handful of good friends and old friends I haven't seen for a while. Met a new friend or two as well as meeting some wonderful men, too.

All of this started when it didn't work out with one gentleman I really liked. I've been making his disappearance mean (like a broken record in my head), maybe I'll always be alone...like my aunt. Great story, wrong answer.

Last night, the coach said to me, "maybe what you think is going on, isn't happening at all." And something about what he said hit me. He added, "maybe you know exactly what you want and the men you've been meeting really are not the ones. You are simply learning that quicker than ever and not wasting any time." I loved that! In many ways that's exactly how I've been trying to read things but hearing it from someone whom I'd just met practically who had been complimenting me on how great I am, that made a real difference in how I listened to the whole matter. It is through such interactions, dialogues that matter, that most of us continue on our journey and pursue the fulfillment of our dreams.

This left me thinking about how to have people who participate in SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (tm) this summer REALLY get what they want out of being in relationships. I have been planning a relaunching after a few months of hiatus and rethinking. Click the RED NAMETAG on the left for more details about the Meetup - a relaunching mixer this Sat night at 9pm in Brooklyn.

I'll be sharing a real pathway to producing results you truly want in the dating for partnership and marriage game or maybe you just want to date. Whatever you want, that's what I am committed to causing with our members.

Hint: The answer ain't sitting at home in city with 8.2 million residents. You forget that New York is the most densely populated city in the U.S. More blogging on this tomorrow.

Gender Gap in Education and Employment

2008-05-27T11:33:00.006-04:00

I'm back posting on issues of gender and intimacy in all aspects of relationships between men and women. Romance is an important one and there are so many ways we can practice SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX(TM) and GET RELATED not DATED(TM).

This post is about the gender gap relative to education and employment particularly among black men and women. I was wondering what to write about today. I've been on the rollercoaster relative to romantic relationships. Met a marvelous man who just disappeared after two remarkable dates without a word. Why we do this to one another is something I've been looking at since I did it with a little more finesse earlier this year to a wonderful brother. Gonna clean that up with him. I owe him a call. But it still seems this mission I have about bridging the gap between the sexes, races and generations still calls me into action no matter what.

So to the topic for the day: education and employment. Check out this 2 min video:

There is a gender disparity in economic achievement in all races but it is especially striking among black men and women, they say in the NBC report from 2007. Black women control 62% of 850 billion dollars in spending power in the Black community. Here are some other data about gender disparity around education and employment from a blog on race, gender and sociology <http://www.rachelstavern.com/?p=35>.

I wonder if the Black Macho and the Myth of the Black Superwoman that my colleague Professor Michelle Wallace wrote about back in 1979 is still plaguing the conversations between black men and women that live at the level of how this disparity shows up.

The disparity between black women and men (and thereby black children even the bi-racial or multi-racial ones) lives in the outcomes of our behaviors not so much in what we say to each other. But how our interactions show up in the world of comparisons. Who are black women being in the world and who are black men being in the world? We are definitely seeing that the separation is growing between us on so many levels.

INQUIRY: What do you all think that's about? I'd love to hear both men's and women's thoughts on the matter.

Reference:
Block quote above from: "Beyond Black Macho: An Interview with Michele Wallace" by Karen Boorstein

Black American Literature Forum, Vol. 18, No. 4 (Winter, 1984), pp. 163-167.

GENTLEMAN-LINESS vs. MASCULINITY

2008-04-02T23:01:00.004-04:00

When talking about male gender stereotypes, we should first take a step back and ask ourselves: what is manliness, anyway? As we explore the answers to that question, it becomes obvious that definitions of manliness aren't always consistent between cultures. More important, though, is the fact that the definition of manliness isn't a static one: it has a tendency to change over time. As American society crosses into the 21st century, we are experiencing shifts in what gender stereotypes are socially acceptable. Gone are the days when little Jimmy would go outside to play stickball with his friends every afternoon. Today, the average male youth participates in a host of activities that transcend male and female lines. He talks about his feelings. He takes cooking as well as woodworking. For many, manliness is less about eating red meat and watching football, and more about gentleman-liness, for lack of a better term.

As American men search for what it means to be male, it become obvious that gender equality is not exclusive of gender identity and role. One blog, The Art of Manliness, embodies that new American male identity. Its writers focus on contemporary interpretations of the core values of masculinity, using them as a path to becoming a gentleman. I recommend the blog to anyone else - it's often a great read. Click here for The Art of Manliness blog.

Blog post created by Abraham H (a male student in my Anthropology course when we did a unit on gender)

KYRA: The one thing missing from the site recommended is...black people. But don't let that stop you from reading it. Might be that black folks need to read outside the box of blackness to say/do something new inside the gender game.

Why do we love stereotypes? So we can settle on them being the truth (easy answers for relationships)?

2008-03-27T04:43:00.001-04:00

ORIGINALLY POSTED 11/13/07 at 10:22am.

Over-inflated by Jessica Hagy

I was teaching my anthropology students about gender and one of the groups in the class came up with this YouTube video in Italian & English about stereotypes. I showed it to two sections of my course and in both cases I was amazed at how often students said "It's true!" Like seeing a video of stereotypes sets life aright. AHHH. There! It's gonna be alright.

But what of the exceptions among the 6.7 billion men and women on the planet? What of tomboys and men who love fashion (gay or straight)? Are they doomed to be wrong because they are not true to 'form' in the land of stereotyping? So much of what we relate to in relationships is based on stereotypical expectations about the opposite sex.

For clarity's sake, let me say that though I am a heterosexual, my interests in the opposite sex are bigger than romance and sex. Men and women have to deal with a world of interactions that come up when dealing with the opposite sex no matter what your sexual orientation (lesbian, gay, hetero, bi- or trans-) or gender identity expression (i.e., drag queens and pants-wearin' female bosses).

What would life be like if we really gave up our notions of, of better yet, we gave up why and how we use stereotypes? We use them for agreement about what we think about our self image relative to others. We use them to not rock the boat, to conform to social norms. How else?

Is there ever a time when stereotyping works? Or is good? Can it be beneficial?? Don't let you knee jerk first reaction get you. I am asking you to really consider these questions newly. Like never before from a beginner's mindset.

Here's some data also to get the ball rolling:

Stats from The World Bank Group's Gender Stats (2004):
- The U.S. population is 293.7 million; 50.8% are female
- Male life expectancy at birth is 75; Female life expectancy at birth is 80
- Total in U.S. Labor Force: 154 million; 46% are female

I'm back...Success with the Opposite Sex is in Transition

2008-03-18T23:21:00.003-04:00

My last post was Valentine's Day. Lots has happened since then. The Black Singles Party was good. Saw once again how black men and women are practically scared of being together. We need to develop ourselves in a new set of "social skills." How do you give up worrying about being rejected or just hanging with the same sex at an outing with an intention for you meeting people of the opposite sex?

Since then I have taken on coaching a 6 month leadership training program on Friday nights. So Success with the Opposite is being revamped for the upcoming Spring time. Be on the look out as I design something new for the future that really inspires me and has others inspired to participate in new and revealing ways. The possibility of being vulnerable, open and willing to win at love is the commitment.

I'm looking for folks to contribute to the blog. Any writers out there interested?? Email me!

PLAY: LOSING THE LIGHT (An American Male Perspective)

2008-03-18T23:13:00.002-04:00

My dear friend and neighbor in Crown Heights Brooklyn invites folks to check out the play LOSING THE LIGHT (An American Male Perspective) playing at the Billie Holiday Theater on Fulton. He's made $8 tickets available for his guests at the door this Thu Mar 20th at 8pm. Tell them you are with the "Richard Barclift Theater Group" at the door. Otherwise you can buy tickets at http://www.zerve.com/BHolidayInc/TheLight

LOSING THE LIGHT is insightful, funny, and provocative, and is perfect for audiences of teenagers and up. Watch as heartbreak brings four friends together in an isolated cabin where they all learn the value of the truth as their emotions run rampant and they open up to each other in ways they never have before. Will the truth threaten their friendships or will it help them to emerge as stronger black men?

This compelling comedy/drama will take place in the elegant 200-seat Billie Holiday Theatre, named after the legendary singer Billie Holiday, which has served as the training ground for notable aspiring theater professionals.

Described as a theatre with a "soul and a mission," this intimate performance space has produced special programs that address social issues of concern and interest to the African-American and Caribbean-American communities.

Valentine's Day & Black Singles Dance

2008-02-17T11:28:00.002-05:00

Can't believe I missed posting on Valentine's Day. Had a nice day. Hope you did too. I was asked by Mark Anthony Jenkins of http://www.blacksinglesmagazine.com/ to speak for about 5 minutes on relationships at his Black Singles Dance at the Rebel Nightclub on 30th Street between 7th and 8th Aves in NYC.

I arrived around 7:30pm and there was a decent crowd of men and women with the women dominating. But it was still early I said to myself. Maybe the brothers will bring up the rear and the night will be fantastic, full of interactions and chats and such. But after about 40 mins I saw what I always see at the few events I've been too (I ain't a night crawler yet).

The men and women were dressed well but there was little to no interaction between the two. Groups of 4-5 women had camped out at the booths outlining the place. Men stood close to the bar in small groups or alone. I walked over to a gentleman and asked "So there is all this supply of women, what's up with the demand?" He shared openly that it's hard to break in on women in groups. If one of them gets up to get a drink, then he could make a play if interested. So in terms of economics there was too much of supply so to speak and the dynamic of one-on-one match ups was diminished by the set up as it was. If this gentleman was any indication, men were up against too many women acting like they were quite fine sitting all together rather than perhaps making themselves available by working the room a bit.

This is why I advertise SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (TM) with the following tag:

Tired of speed dating and online waiting?
Tired of talking to the same sex about the same mess?

After seeing first-hand that women and men seemed to have no social skills, no home training about being available, open and interested in the opposite sex, I realized speaking simply about relationships (like sharing data on statistics and simply talking about SWTOS) wasn't going to cut it with this rather non-interested crowd. On the surface, we--I'll include myself--looked like were were ok with not really interacting and getting any real interplay with the opposite sex. We were all playing it safe. So my prepared routine would have flown directly under their radars.

So I took a different approach. I shared what the brother had told me as a kind of entree to getting people to actually interact with one another. I did my POSITIVE FLIRTATION DEVICE exercise. First, I had to get everyone close to the stage. I wanted them willing to play along and the first step was inviting to literally move closer. They were all being stand-offish and aloof, pretending they were fine with the way things were.

I got a good group to participate and I was proud of myself for fulfilling on my intention in a new space with strangers. GET RELATED not DATED (TM).

More to come on this. Will share the exercise and some ideas for the future.

NOTE: There is no March SWTOS event. We will return in April!!
Peace, Kyra

Super Tuesday with Obama and the NY Giants

2008-02-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

It's Super Tuesday here in NYC. And we are still high off the Giants Superbowl win!

I got up extra early to go to my Brooklyn polling place before heading to my 9:05am class in Manhattan. There was a tall medium build brother who reminded me of Common standing outside the school with Obama material taped to his shirt, front and back. Before I left home I got the new video with Will.I.am and John Legend as well as a host of celebrities from acting to song.

When I was entering the subway at the Utica stop, an older brother was handing out little pamplets on Obama titled ANSWERING THE CALL: CALLED TO CHRIST, COMMITTED CHRISTIAN.

'If you're organizing churches,' they said, 'it might be helpful if you went to church once in a while." And I thought, "Well, I guess that makes sense....So one day I put on one of the few clean jackets I had and went over to Trinity United Church of Christ on 95th Street on the South Side of Chicago. And I heard Reverend JEremiah A. Wright deliver a sermon called 'The Audacity of Hope.' CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN.

I made up my mind to vote for Obama about 10 days ago. It was before the South Carolina primary. Before that I wasn't sure. Clinton or Obama?? Then I realized I have waited most of my adult life to support a candidate I truly believe in and a candidate that defies all the limitations I've grown up with about holding the highest office in this land. All the other black candidates paved the way for both Hilary and Barack to be viable candidates in the same race. I do remember Shirley Chisholm's bid in 1972. I was 10 years old. She paved the way for Jesse Jackson and others and yes Hilary Clinton, too.

Something is happening. There's a change of a different sort in the air. I heard Republicans from Jersey claim there were staunch partisans but if McCain won (another said if Romney won), he'd vote for Obama. I am excited about the possibility the real possibility of Dr. King's Dream becoming a reality in the office of the President of this country. Amazing!!

A black man and his wife are inspiring people from all walks to vote today. Whomever you vote for, VOTE! Exercise your national right and duty. Trust your heart and your conscience. To thine own SELF be true!

Go Giants! Go Obama!!

Banner test

2008-01-27T15:26:00.001-05:00

Clichés about the Opposite Sex

2008-01-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

I got this image in an email from the secretary in my department of anthropology and sociology at Baruch College. It's amazing that in one quick image we can sum up the clichés we love to use to shorthand stereotypes that we forget often short circuit our experience with the opposite sex. And it is all about circuits given that everything about our interactions is ultimately about choosing to interact, interface, intercourse, and procreate in one way or another from the bedroom to the boardroom.

I've been thinking about how my own relationship to being single and being alone has been short circuiting my heart and my willingness to break out and meet new people in new places. Today someone said you just need to choose being living alone and being single cuz' that's the way it is right now.

TO CHOOSE: to select freely without consideration or reason (Landmark Education).

He also got me to see how much I am a renegade about life and relationships. Gotta always be "this is not it" and "I know better". That leaves me trying to fix and change everyone else or invalidating everything I am.

My coach invited me to consider being a renegade FOR my promise. My promise is being "ready, willing and able to embrace and be empowered by any communication, eye to eye with the oneness of humanity." I think it can be fulfilled for the world by 2036 but it begins with me now.

I love how the men in my life, this coach, men I've been dating, and father figures, have been providing growth and development opportunities for me to get about myself. Women do it too, but it means something for a single woman to get "trained" by the men in her life whom she is and is not romantically engaged with. So I am choosing being alone and being happy in that instead of feeling like "this is not it." Nope, this IS it and life is passing me by the other route. I can be fully present to the not knowing it all but leaving my heart open to be filled with this moment and any other I choose to create including being in a committed partnership.

So what's been going on with my dating. Remember I posted an ad for dates on New Years Eve and I got a few hits and went out on some really nice dates. What I have seen for myself lately is how easily I give up on my dream, how often I force what's not working, how much I lie to myself and others about all that, and how unwilling I am to be straight that I am not fulfilled (like that means something) but staying in communication with this wonderful men I meet. I don't usually meet uninteresting people. That is rare. Some I long to be with. Some I don't. But if I am really going to cause the passionate, romantic, committed parternship that I've dreamed of, I gotta keep playing openly, wholeheartedly and bravely for what's possible not only for me but for all of us -- satisfaction, peaceful, powerful parternships that transform what has been for black men and women whether we are dating each other or every kind of people in the world. So goes black folks, so goes the world.

I started out writing about clichés. It's so easy to say the same thing over and over again and lose sight of you'll never get a different result in your experience if you view it from the same ideas. This is why I say it is essential the in the SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM) events that there are no generalizations. Clichés are a form of generalization.

On the train yesterday, a brother was selling books of his poetry. He held up multiple copies of his self-published pamplets of poetry saying "And this one says..." and he quote a line or two of a poem and flip to the next book "And this one says..."

He got to the third book as the train slowed to stop at the Nostrand Ave stop on the A train towards Brooklyn. "And this one says 'You know how you can tell the difference between an ugly girl and a pretty one?" He pauses. You know how New Yorkers on the train listen but they won't look. He has us and just as the door to the train opens he says "The ugly ones can cook!" A young sister, I'd say an ugly one, but maybe she didn't cook, started up with him and he ran from the car of the train and hopped on to a later car. She was a little salty about it. I kept thinking what offended her? The poem itself offending all women? No. The implication on her? Probably. Whether she was pretty or not is irrelevant in the case I am trying to make. Clichés and generalizations also have predictable reactions that are in some way not at all our own. They have nothing to do with you here and now. It has Everything to do with the past which has no real bearing on what's possible. They thought we'd never go to the moon, fly (see the Wright Brothers), or maybe a closer example is black persons winning presidential elections (We'll see with Obama but even his win in South Carolina is breaking from the past).

I put a quote by Hilary Clinton in my document of quotes. How ironic it is that she said:

“The challenge now is to practice politics as the art of making what appears to be impossible, possible."

The challenge in relationships between black men and women globally speaking (in romance, business, hip-hop, education, parenting, schooling, etc.) is practicing the art of making what appears to be impossible between us possible and clichés can never get us there. But I am looking forward to creating a new cliche about black presidents and black men and women being for each other.

What are you doing Valentine's Eve?

2008-01-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

My boy Mark Anthony Jenkins, promoter and brother committed to black singles, is hosting a fabulous BLACK SINGLES event in Manhattan. Go to http://www.blacksinglesmagazine.com/ for more info. The event is Thu Feb 14th from 6pm - 1am. I will be speaking for about 5 minutes about Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM). It's billed as the largest event in the city. Check it out and purchase your tix right away! Tickets are $25 through Jan 31st and go up there after.

Come to your Senses at Success with the Opposite Sex Fri Feb 1st at 8pm

2008-01-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

Our next event is coming up on Fri Feb 1 at 8pm and it will be fantastic! The theme is SENSUALITY. We'll be discussing how to activate your senses and surrendering to sensuality. What has SENSUALITY meant to you, what experiences have you had? Would you be willing to discover it newly in the future if it produced the results you really want? Are you confusing Sensuality with Sexuality. We often do.
The sculpture to the left is by Michael Orgel titled Agave Urn.
Click image to purchase.

Consider that if you resist surrendering to your own or others' sensuality or sensualness, you may be preventing yourself from experiencing all of life fully right now. At the February event you'll have and opportunity to explore indirectly what prevents you from surrendering to sensuality with the opposite sex in various contexts.

This is going to be a juicy, really intimate evening of conversation. Come discover how you would rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being "being friendly" and 5 being "nothing hidden". Whereever you seem to be on the scale is not as important as what you think about all that and getting intimately connected to yourself around the topic of SENSUALITY.

On Sunday Jan 20th, I went to the Kevin Powell MLK Event at Kumble theatre/Long Island University in Brooklyn co-sponsored by April Silver's Akila Worksongs Events. After the event, I was sharing about SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (TM) with a divorced sister who is raising two boys, one is 19 and the other is 8. We got to talking about how important it is to talk with the opposite sex instead of just the same sex and she shared a wonderful experience that inspired me about sensuality.

She said her youngest REALLY LOVES BREASTS since he was very young. When he's close to a woman's breasts he wants to touch them (innocent sensuality). She started to clasp her own breasts without thinking to demonstrate for me. She told me she had began to say to him "Big boys don't do that" to try to curb his behavior. An adult male friend of hers told her to stop telling him that. She asked why. He said "I'm a big boy and I do it!" I loved this story because it made her point and mine. We are two different sexes and we need each other to learn about the other. She discovered that she doesn't really know what it is to raise a boy to be a man. She knows how to raise him to be human. Success with the Opposite Sex (TM) is adult men and women teaching each other all the things we can't know about the opposite sex around various topics.

What is sensuality as a lived and ongoing phenomenon?
This story made me think about expanding the conversation for Feb 1 to include the many levels to talking about sensuality. Some have to do with wanting to be close, to touch, to feel, to express your desire. Some have to do with learning to curb your desire in public settings as you grow older long before your hormones kick in sexually. Some have to do with learning to let go after all that suppressed and quite important training (what's appropriate when) and later as an adult you can surrender to your desires and to your partner's desires not to mention the simple desires we share with loved ones outside of romantic encounters. An embrace with a parent can be sensual or not.

Are you willing to explore surrendering like we all once did on Friday, February 1st? I promise it will be safe, you can share if you wish or not. The bulk of the evening will be intimate conversation and some interactions around sensuality. We will also practice receiving a hand massage from the opposite sex to see how willing you are to experience surrendering to sensuality.

There are several spots left, please register before the weekend. The fee is $20 which covers wine, wings, materials, advertising, and the facilitation & design of the monthly event. The goal is to have two of these a month for up to 30 people by May and to facilitate a major event this summer with 100 people (50 men and 50 women).

Whatever you want is available out of participating in the Get Related not Dated (TM) technology designed for developing your Success with the Opposite Sex (TM). 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed or your money back.

Kyra G

Happy Birthday Dr. King...standing for my dream to be alive

2008-01-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity".
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963 (More quotes).

I was doing 30 minutes on the treadmill gettin my sweat this morning on at the St. John's Recreation Center in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, my new neighborhood (yes I can't pretend I'm living in my beloved Bed-Stuy anymore). From a boombox in the cardio room, Hot 97 was being broadcast. It was about 10am. Hold on to your seat cuz' here comes the set up for a tribute to Dr. King on his esteemed birthday.

The two male and female hosts (can't call 'em DJs anymore) did this "YOU'VE JUST BEEN CRANKED" segment on this single mom followed by the most uncritical discussion polling the listening audience about whether men or women are worse at letting go in relationships. The conversation devolved when one of the male hosts suggested that more women than men are stalkers suggesting something along the lines of "when men stalk they are crazy but that stuff is natural for you all" meaning women. His evidence: Three men in his life have had women stalking them they haven't been able to get rid of (what a sample!). I've been asking myself and my students as well as clients I work with to avoid generalizations but it is so much more damaging when broadcast to the public--uncritical thinking that is.
To close the segment the sister hosting gives a dear John shout out to some brother whom she says "LOSE MY NUMBER! PLEASE!" That's the state of relationships between men and women. No intimacy whatsoever or negative intimacy aka gossip about others.

What was next? What does the female host transition into next without missing a beat?
"Today is Dr. King's birthday...my absolute favorite quote is" and she paraphrases:

The reason I can' t follow the old eye-for-an-eye philosophy is that it ends up leaving everyone blind

There was no sense that what had just preceded could in any way be connected, negatively or positively, to what Dr. King stood. Just making fun of violent tendencies and acts with NO facts or data sustantiating their talk about the opposite sexes. Fun and games just for a morning laugh. Hot 97 can't even devote the entire day in Dr. King's honor. Maybe Clear Channel doesn't allow that kind of thing on black stations. I didn't say black-owned.

So as I finished my workout I promised myself to make a post with some basic facts. I found these online. They are taken from the Stalking Resource Center of the National Center for Victims of Crime.

1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the U.S.
1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.
77% of female victims and 64% of male victims know their stalker.
87% of stalkers are men.
59% of female victims and 30% of male victims are stalked by an
intimate partner.
81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.
31% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also sexually assaulted by that partner.
73% of intimate partner stalkers verbally threatened victims with physical violence, and almost 46% of victims experienced one or more violent incidents by the stalker.
The average duration of stalking is 1.8 years.
If stalking involves intimate partners, the average duration of stalking increases to 2.2 years.
28% of female victims and 10% of male victims obtained a protective order. 69% of female victims and 81% of male victims had the protection order violated. [Tjaden & Thoennes. (1998). “Stalking in America,” NIJ.]

These statistics do not include the new threat of CYBER-STALKING. More on stalking. Ironically, the Stalking Resource Center considers January National Stalking Awareness Month. Stalking ain't too much different for women then lynch mobs were for blacks decades earlier. The cause of lynching was so beautifully represented in THE GREAT DEBATERS. Can't wait for a film to bring that kind of power to the issues of sexism, misogyny and stalking in the black community and beyond.

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity".
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963 (More quotes).

This is always a sacred day for me and I want to remind people that Dr. King's legacy lives on everyday in me and you. If each of us could take on one thing that truly matters to us in our lifetime, the world would transform overnight.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. -- Winston Churchill

Kyra's Promise for the World:
By 2036, I promise a world where all men and women are ready, willing and able to embrace and be empowered by ANY communication, eye to eye with, the oneness of our Humanity.

What matters to you? What are you devoted to in your life? Ask yourself today and ask at least 2 others too.

What About Our Daughters Blog Reports "Video of Protest Outside BET disHonors"

2008-01-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

Finally, some footage of black folks protesting the quality of broadcasting on networks devoted to black people. Get your sh*t together BET. We ain't just protesting on the Mall any more. This video was taken outside the BET HONORS taping. The protest was led by a Maryland female pastor (shout out to my homies in Maryland where I'm from!). All this was reported in a Washington post article

The blog also points to a story featured on 60 Minutes called THE WAR ON WOMEN about rape as a norm of war, as a form of social terrorism. It is a must see. Black women are more and more the victims of all kinds of crimes and misogyny. Check out what's going on in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. More genocide has taken place there than even Darfur.

Also if you're interested in learning more about BLOGGING there is a conference coming up in JULY called BLOGGING WHILE BROWN you should check out.

What is Sensuality? Can you handle it?

2008-01-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

Image by Tony Nelson http://www.tonynelsonphoto.com
Sensuality: The state or quality of being sensual.
1. Relating to the body and the senses, as distinguished from the intellect or spirit.
2. Denoting bodily or sensory pleasure, not necessarily sexual.
Origin: L. Sensualis, endowed with feeling

I took this Sensuality test online and scored high. What does that really mean to me or for men out there who might be reading and want to ask "Boy, the Kyra woman is one hot sensual being! How can I be down?" LOL

About Sensuality

Sensuality is an acute awareness of what the senses perceive. This preoccupation or devotion to that which is smelled, felt, touched, heard, tasted, and seen has some bearing on how one experiences life. Studies have shown that people who are exceptionally sensual live for the moment and are not hung up on the future or the past. What is presently going on is enough to captures the sensual individual's full attention. This is an excellent recipe for happiness. Sensual people enjoy experience itself, basking in actual acts rather than rushing through them to get at some possible or imaginary end. In sum, sensual persons take advantage of what life has to offer, living everyday as if it were their last.

Results of the Sensuality Test

	Sensuality Index

Your score = 82

What does your score mean?

You are one sensual human being! Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and you deeply enjoy the sensual pleasures that life has to offer. Your senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be emotionally passionate. Because you get so much pleasure from your senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. It is important, however, to keep yourself in check since people who delight is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions (substance, sex, love, etc.). All in all, you have the innate ability to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!

These online tests can be entertaining but we take them while we are alone online, tapping away at the keyboard (fast or slow depending on your digits'/finger's dexterity) and what does knowing this tell you and do it really matter when you're staring a person of the opposite sex in the eye worried about this or that concern?

The event in February is not simply, if at all, about pleasing others. It's about allowing yourself to say what YOU really want in relationship with another. It takes practice. You might be like me. I have been noticing how I avoid saying what I really want out of and in a relationship much less when asking for a back massage. If you don't have much experience successfully getting what you want from communication from the first date or in being a newlywed, where can you get experience without getting hurt or hurting others? Try coming to SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM). Put you left hand in, put your left hand out and shake it all about...YEAH Sensuality awakened!...that's what it's all about.

We use our senses all day long but most of the time we are completely unaware of it and our sensitivity to things that could be sensed is turned off so we can deal with other things (deciphering and translating communication both verbal and physical), walking to and fro, watching where we are going and coming from, paying attention to urgent needs but that doesn't mean we are really paying close attention to the senses of seeing, feeling, touching, tasting, hearing, and your overall being-ness. We don't experience anything at all about it until we really focus on it and we almost leave it to the few times many of us actually experience sexual pleasure. You may not be at all in touch with your senses other than that they are there if you're not sexually active other than the occasional moments of freshly baking food or offensive locker room odors as far as smell is concerned.

At the February event about seven men and women will explore activating their senses through some of our primary senses. I made a list of senses that exploded the idea that there are five main senses:

seeing and not seeing,
watching and not watching
glancing and not glancing
staring and not staring
touching and not touching,
feeling and not feeling,
rubbing and not rubbing,
pulling and pushing
tasting and not tasting,
hearing and not hearing.
listening and not listening
listening and not hearing
hearing and not listening
smelling and not smelling
sniffing not sniffing
breathing (which activates the sense of feeling, hearing, tasting and perhaps more)

What are your sensory threshholds? The minimum amount of stimulus energy necessary to elicit a sensory response. Psychology Today said: "Sensuality is, in essence, how in tune you are with your senses. Do you notice smells, textures, sounds? How sensual you are plays a key role not only in your sex life but in your overall ability to derive pleasure from life as a whole."

So join us as black men and women get at the essence of what activates their senses, sharing past experiences and creating possibilities for new ones.

FEBRUARY is for SENSUALITY

2008-01-06T23:36:00.000-05:00

Our theme for the February 1st event will be sensuality. Last year we did this theme to 1) learn about activating your senses and 2) to see how good you are at telling a person of the opposite sex how to please your senses. Remember this is all platonic. This ain't a Cuddle Party (run by a former acquaintaince), but you'll be amazed about how important it is to know how your senses function overall and individually.

Did you know that we have the least number of words to distinguish smell in the English language? It's also the most offensive arena of the senses from the locker room to pungeant food odors. But you can play with the senses once you know how to activate them, clear them--like ginger for your palate, and play with them in relating to the opposite sex.

We will be activating our touch, smell, sight, and sound senses during the evening.

The next event is February 1st from 9pm - Midnight.

Black History month can always get so significant, so self-important that we forget one of the golden rules of being human -- being touched. I named my album/CD after a Nikki Giovanni poem that says

and if ever I touched a life I hope
that life knows that I know that touching was and still is and will always
be the true
revolution
"When I Die" from My House (1972)

So "Sensuality" seems a fitting theme for the February event to bring men and women together around.

This song by the Isley Brothers is one of the sexiest songs on Sensuality

A New Tool for Distinguishing Commitment in Any Area of Life

2008-01-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

Last night was a blast!
We had seven people--5 men and 3 women--participated
REDEFINING COMMITMENT

3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family. From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/commitment

From the Core Value of a Medicine School at http://www.uicomp.uic.edu/Vision/Commitment.html

"We define Commitment as a state of being in which one embraces the vision by choice and feels personally responsible to contribute to its accomplishments. We live this value by:
Pursuing the vision with energy and passion.
Developing the relationship necessary to achieve the vision.
Pursuing a path of lifelong learning that involves personal growth and development.
Supporting the growth and development of those around us.
Performing our job to the best of our ability and encouraging others to perform their jobs well.
Supporting and encouraging the efforts of others to accomplish the[ir] vision.
Persevering in our efforts to accomplish the vision when we are confronted by
Taking responsibility for accomplishing the tasks that are assigned to us"

The skateboard icon above is another version of commitment. The kind of commitment that is unreasonably devoted to making it work even when you have keep things together with masking tape. You still enjoy the ride and dare to risk it all for the adventure.

The Landmark Education definition: "Commitment begins an adventure. It is the backbone and driving force of achievement. Commitment is the triumph of possibility over all the reasons why 'it can't be done,' of creation over mere change. Commitment and the power of your word set new worlds into motion." (LE, 2004).

In everyday life, most of us simply assume we know what "commitment" means and never get back to a core definition or distinction about how it lives effectively in the world. How do you do being committed, or what is it to be BEING committed and what are its parts in your real life? I designed an exercise to make it real but first we began the evening sharing thoughts about what it already seems to mean in the black community or elsewhere in life.

One woman shared that because there is a lack of trust in the black community, there is little commitment. One brother said "I see more commitment to dating than to relationship...I've been taking a look at where I've been half assed in my relationships and now I am rechoosing to commit and reaping the benefits of that." Heru shared about the 80/20 percent rule regarding being committed.

Heru: When I was in a relationship that 20% I wasn't getting was so appealing I'd dash out of a relationship, and then when I wasn't in a relationship, I missed the 80%. This concept was so brilliantly articulated in the Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? I didn't understand this 80/20 percent thing and I didn't have any older uncle to guide me in what I was going through. So, you're like learning on the fly messin' it up!

Nick: Then when you mess it up, they [the older men] say "That's how you do it!"
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]

Heru adds: Well...that's how I [been doing] it!!! [More laughter. This time a more ironic laughter as if to say the old men are right but that's not what younger men really want].

Out of the event you can see just how much black men and women desire commitment, aspire to be committed, how they/we acknowledge commitment when we see and experience it.

I introduced a new distinction in SWTOS for COMMITMENT (see LABEL CLOUD). There are three levels of commitment:

1st level: aspiring (you said it)
2nd level: acknowledged (the opposite sex or others are saying it back to you)
3rd level is experienced (it happened and was acknowledged to others; you are known for it by others).

The GET RELATED not DATED exercise involved a wheel chart I devised that looks like the sample of my chart to the left. Might be too small for your to see but I used the thought and talk bubbles in the DRAW tool in Word to capture conversations (monologue-1st level or dialogues-2nd and 3rd levels of commitment). You had to be there to get the full experience.

It's clear that I aspire to create audio podcasts from these events. Videopodcasting might be too intrusive. Anyone interested in assisting with this, contact me! Looking for partners in this game!!

I wish I could share all the intimacy, breakthrough insights, and love that was in the room last night. It was wonderful.
Let me share some of the basic feedback from my surveys from the end of the evening.

SCALE: 1 = Strongly disagree 3 = neutral 5 = Strongly agree
A. This evening was delightful and worth my time 4.8/5.0 = 96%
B. I experienced intimacy with the opposite sex 4.3/5.0 = 86%
C. I would recommend this event to friends/family 4.6/5.0 = 93%

About the guests: 3 females, 5 males

7 single, 1 divorced
Ages: 1 - 20s, 5 - 30s, 2 - 40s
Results thus far from participating: 2 of the men in the group are now in committed relationships since coming to SWTOS, 1 of the returning women is dating successfully towards being in a committed relationship, 1 women who is new to the group, her second time, is now in a committed relationship with another member.

Comments from the Surveys:

Male, 30-39: "Real intimacy!"
Male 40-40: "This core group gives insights that are useful & practical to day to day relationships."
Female 30-39: "This gets people talking & moving forward."
Male 20-29: "Got real flexible, deep life coaching."

I am committing myself to expanding this venture and getting it out to more people who I know would absolutely love the experience of sharing and the opportunity to invite feedback in areas where you are aspiring to be committed. We didn't just talk about romance and dating. It included career/business, social networking and communication, and even body image. One brother shared from his WHEEL OF COMMITMENT that he is aspiring to have have more guy friends and put that in a aspiring thought bubble.

I know I am onto something with this venture called SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM). How to grow the venture into a thriving business is my next step.

Play Full Out in Your Relationships!

2008-01-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

The safe route will always be there. Instead of considering it an option, why not consider it a net? That way, you’re free to try something different. You can throw caution to the wind, knowing that if you fail, you’ll always have something to catch you. -- unknown source

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure. -- Helen Keller

Success with Dating on New Year's Eve

2008-01-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

In the area of dating, like the other areas of my life that aren't working as well as I'd like, I have been stuck with "it's all my fault" if things are going bad and "it's all their fault" if it's good.

The week before Christmas I went on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, actually a vacation course with Landmark Education (Part of the Wisdom Division is your familiar with Landmark). The course, led by Landmark Forum Leader and Wisdom Designer Brian Regnier was called HOW TO GET UNSTUCK. The course featured over 150 participants from the US, Canada, the Netherlands, and more. Most were from the US. The ship carried 6000 passengers. It was quite an adventure as we stopped in San Juan, PR; St. Thomas, USVI, and St. Maarten.

It's amazing to see how many people no matter their race, creed, religion, ethnicity or class share being stuck in areas of their lives that are important to them and when you share them together growth and development is available for all involved. During the week it became clear that many of the course participants were stuck with feeling FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET in the area where they were most stuck. Mine changed from day to day during the seven day cruise. First it seemed to be being lonely/single/not married. Then it was my body image and issues about how big my ass is that have plagued me since adolescence. Then is was my inability to finish writing assignments on time/missing deadlines around my scholarship.

We discussed how RESPONSIBILITY is not simply "being willing to experience being cause in the matter". That's important but first you must take a look at those areas that usually drives what we call being responsible but often leaves us not taking action. RESPONSIBILITY is not FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET. If you can say how it REALLY is for you about who's fault it is, where you feel guilt, blame, shame or regret then truly being responsible arises as a willingness to experience being cause in the matter.

From practicing these two steps, we are able to respond creatively to the matter, just as it is. Free to be and free to act.

WHAT I DISCOVERED FROM THE COURSE and ACTIONS THAT RESULTED:
I got that I really live life like my being overweight, lonely, not married is MY FAULT and that winning a book prize or saving my job this year is SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAULT. Somebody else liked what I did, helped me win the prize, my Dean made sure I won my appeal at work. Ultimately, I keep falling into a conversation of INVALIDATION. My number one stuckness I discovered is INVALIDATION.

When I look at my past relationships, invalidating myself (and the person who dares to like me in the face of that interpretation of myself) has driven me right out of most relationships and some friendships with women. SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (or same sex) is rarely possible with this going on in the background.

Just seeing that made a HUGE difference in my BEING WILLING TO EXPERIENCE being cause in the matter.

So the next thing I did was choose to create having a fun great date on New Year's Eve and I had no date as of Saturday morning before New Years. I posted an ad with a photo on Craig's List (WOMEN SEEKING MAN) for a NYE date. The ad header was

SEXY SBF ISO SBM or other for New Year's Eve Companion - 45.

Yeah I advertised my age and photo! But y'all know I look 30-35!

I got some of the best results ever inside my online dating game and I've been getting random acknowledgments from men who didn't fit my bill but who just loved my ad and let me know.

I had a really fun and engaging date that didn't look anything like what I expected but it fulfilled my intention. I also have other men to date and my conversation about being lonely has all of sudden transformed and my concern about my body image doesn't have a hold on me and I actually gained a few cruise pounds. LOL

In 2008, I will continue to look for and create adventure from Craig's List to flying planes and more. I want folks out to create SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX out there, those who really and truly want to GET RELATED not DATED to consider trying out the practice of being straight about where there is FAULT, BLAME, SHAME, GUILT or REGRET around what matters to you about dating or being in a relationship (or not).

Happy New Year!!

Some men think nothing of making a living pimping women as bling

2007-12-31T07:27:00.000-05:00

AMERICAN WOMEN & HIP-HOP (11/28/07)

Last November NBC Nightly News did a series called African American Women: Where They Stand. It included the video linked above. In it, Irv Gotti, a hip-hop producer/director argues that some women just can't help themselves on the video set and claims no responsibility in the matter. The head of The Inc (Formerly Murder Inc.) record label, Gotti says it's hard to market female emcees because they have to be good to look at, too, and he says he asks his 15 year old daughter to confirm if the women in his "scantily-clad videos" look hot. He uses her as a litmus test!! Train 'em young in the art of misogyny and women will keep the practice going -- that's hegemony at its best. Why they don't call me on these shows as an expert?!??!! I could say I don't know, but I am starting to realize it's because they don't know I am here. Press releases, baby! I haven't gotten my own word out in that realm. That's what 2008 is about - getting on the top of the roladex.

This past week, I finished a essay about misogyny relative to the music and videos of Nas for a book to be published in 2008 by Michael Eric Dyson. This essay might be my PR in this larger conversation about hip-hop, gender stratification, and power. Wanted to share some "axioms" I came up with the generate thinking outside the box. They are ratehr obvious but they are not generalizations in the manner we mostly here about misogyny.

Here's a sample:

Years ago, I read a chapter by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, a queer studies scholar, that had me question the limits of my available thinking about sexuality despite my expertise in the study of gender and the body. As a professor of hip-hop music, her writing left me with a provocative thought: What would help students interested in hip-hop question the limits of their own thinking about misogyny and its impact on women and men? Hip-hop discourse rarely steps away from cliché conversations about misogyny, so I created a list of axioms following Sedgwick's lead concerning Nas and masculinity in hip-hop. The list includes ideas most know but don't seem to consider in their analysis of hip-hop (cf. Sedgwick 1993):
Sometimes Nas [and other male artists] spends a lot of time rapping about manhood and masculinity, other times not.
Some male and female hip-hop heads, of all races and all classes, experience Nas's portrayal of masculinity as deeply embedded in a matrix of gender meanings and differences. Others do not.
Many male and female heads have their richest mental/emotional/kinetic involvement when Nas rhymes about acts they don't do, or even don't want to do ("Understandable smooth shit that murderers move with" - "The Thief's Theme" from Street's Disciple).
Sometimes Nas's performances are embedded in gendered contexts resonant with meaning, narrative, and connectedness to actual relationships in his life (e.g., brothers in hip-hop, his father, his wife, his daughter, to children); sometimes it is important that they not be (murderers, Mafia bosses); at other times, it may not occur to Nas, his audience, or his critics that they might be.
I want to get people to think about, consider, that there is little willingness in hip-hop to go to the edge of what's familiar and look beyond simply labeling songs and videos as misogynist to discover what drives not only individual misogyny, but the institutional subordination of girls and women relative to wealth (economic power), power (political power) and prestige (social status) (cf. Weber 1968).

Instead we often settle for what is widely accepted as true. Keepin' it real, which has fast become cliché in and of itself, is no longer expanding knowledge. It is limiting it. (Do no reprint without permission of the author, Kyra Gaunt © 2008).

Irv Gotti's logic escapes me but I've heard it before. Doesn't even matter what he said. What I am left with is how often men are asked questions about the misogyny in hip-hop and their answers tend to be cliché, accomodating, justified, and a rationalization at best. They have no compassion or sensitivity to the real lives affected by the subordination of women in rap videos.

“If is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it” - Upton Sinclair

This quote appeared in Al Gore's film AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH and it's so fitting relative to what this male directors are up to and up against.

Irv Gotti: "People with real jobs and real lives ...just want to be entertained!" You could say the same thing about when whites loved to gather around and watch black men (and in some cases women) being hanged. It was a social event and the murderous activity was also an incovenient truth back when. This is one of the things that is at the heart of the lack of intimacy, trust and generosity among the black youth and in our communities.

COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck...Waiting?

2007-12-26T07:33:00.000-05:00

January 2008!
Our next theme is COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck?
For two months, I've been developing a series on how to DESIGN YOUR OWN OWNER'S MANUAL for relationships. Out of a breakdown and a breakthough, I discovered the foundation for that conversation: Exploring where you have been stuck around your commitment to be in a relationship.

For me it has been in being lonely, giving up/resigned, disliking my body image, and the clich being single. Would you be willing to face where you are stuck openly in conversation with others? Take courage, but I promise you a breakthrough like no other.

Why pay $35 for this Brooklyn event?
Most people pay $35-40 for a night of speed dating.
You get some nice chit-chat, maybe a number and a call. Even fewer get a date. But most get a night out at best. This is worth your time and money and you'll want to come again and again to be with people of the opposite sex in a new way.

Light snack, wine and a great sense of intimacy like you don't experience with people you've known all your life. Join us! Click the red MEETUP button to the left for more info.

NYT : 2008 Speed Dating Study Finds SBF only seeks BM (4/13/07)

Many black women I know complain about their resentment when they see black men with white women. In the Oprah clip above, Oprah suggests that black men are not available "the numbers just don't pan out". Actually a Speed Dating research study published in 2008 (Review of Economic Studies 75, 117–132) showed a strong preference among black women for same-sex romance. By contrast, men of all races do not hold the same view and are open to interracial dating. So perhaps it is not about black men but rather about what black women prefer and are waiting for. Maybe we should explore more.

The study included Columbia graduate students of white, black, Asian and Hispanic descent. It considered state and country of origin as well.
Here are some key findings:

- "black women strongly prefer men of their own race, while black men do not exhibit a significant preference for black women over others" (caution: based on a small sample).

- "same-race preferences are negatively correlated with education" (in other words, the more educated you are, the more open to interracial dating)

- "Men are generally willing to date someone of another race, but women are more reluctant, especially African-American women."

- "Older subjects and more physically attractive subjects exhibit weaker same-race preferences."

- "Attractiveness may play an important role in the determination of racial preferences, especially those against Asian men.... Female Asian partners are consistently rated as less attractive, though we also find that black females receive significantly lower ratings relative to whites."

One may be left with all kinds of reactions and thoughts about these findings. Here are some questions:

What factors contribute to black women being rated as less attractive consistently?
What cultural and historical factors cause us to resist interracial dating in an age where we are less likely to ever mary given that decision?

What do you think?

What Black Men Think

2007-12-14T10:25:00.000-05:00

My friend Atiba turned me on to this clip from the DVD What Black Men Think that sets the record straight on the stereotypes generated by erroneous statistics about them.

The video talks about misconceptions about black men and AIDS transmission to women and stats about black men in prison vs. college. This is a must see.

I am getting so present to we think we know things but we never check our sources. I've be learning more about the world from YouTube videos like this that beg me to question what I think I know about black people, black women, black men and the world.

Check this out if you haven't already:
Shift Happens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMcfrLYDm2U
A Shift Happens Remix http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhnWKg9B2-8&feature=related

Oh...and one more message from a brother...

Committment

2007-12-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

The holidays brings up a lot for people--cheerfulness and despair. We became more aware of what we have and don't have esp. in relationships and not just romance. Being with family brings it on if you're still single. New Year's eve can too. Will I have a date? Where will I go or will I stay home? With my girlfriends again or will I have a date and with whom? And will there be mistletoe?

Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM) is scheduled for the first Friday of every month. On Fri Dec 7th twelve men and women rsvped with about 8-9 women in the mix. Lo and behold by 9pm four single men showed up, two of whom are in committed relationships. Not one woman showed or called to say they wouldn't be coming. It's odd because women are always complaining that it's men who are not committed.

This got me thinking about COMMITMENT as a topic. Commitment can be measured by where you have been spending your time, money, and results. It's no co-ink-a-dink (coincidence) that the single women and men who rsvp for the MEETUP.COM for Success with the Opposite Sex, some even pay the fee ahead, but then at the last minute don't call or show.

I have the same questionable commitment around the event. Taking time to be fully prepared (house cleaned ahead of time, materials created ahead of time, etc). It was last minute all the way. And the guests didn't show at the last minute. They are not even committed to sharing why it didn't work for them to come. This left me really disappointed Friday night.

Then I thought about my own personal relationships with men and where I say I am committed. I think a particular man is a perfect match for me but my actions lately (where I spend my time and money) is in refusing to call, wondering why he's not calling more often or why he's not interested, and avoiding finding out the real deal so I can move on if it's not working for him and for me. Crazy! I am committed to being crazy (LOL) AND cooky. This is a commitment to being unfulfilled surfacing again and this is not the first time I have distinguished it. It perfectly fits a story I've had about my life--I'm not good enough. (And that's not true but my actions are sure consistent with such a context).

So COMMITMENT is our topic next month. What do we say to ourselves about being committed? What don't we say to ourselves and the opposite sex? What could we talk about relative to being committed to one another? This has implications all the way down to rsvping and being a no show. What you may discover by looking at where you already are spending your time and results (not to mention money) is that you are actually committed to being alone, to feeling good rather than being satisfied, to being single or complaining about not being married. The icon to the right that I found on Google Images searching "commitment" shows three levels of commitment:

The lowest level is aspiring commitment
The next level is acknowledged commitment
The highest level is experienced commitment

Are you simply ASPIRING to be in a committed relationship? Do the people of the opposite sex in your life ACKNOWLEDGE that commitment or does your relationships with the opposite sex demonstrate your hidden commitment? About the highest level, do you and the people of the opposite sex actually EXPERIENCE your commitment. This is an exercise in distinguishing where your real commitment lies and choosing what you really want if you'd been aiming elsewhere given what you've already been doing.

Having an owner's manual with this kind of resignation behind it is like getting a used car when the carburetor is inoperable or actually missing, yet you try to follow the owner's manual anyhow. The car just doesn't work without a carburetor.

Carburetor \Car"bu*ret`or\, n. (Chem.)
  An apparatus in which coal gas, hydrogen, or air is passed
  through or over a volatile hydrocarbon, in order to confer or
  increase illuminating power.

What I am present to is that the foundation that confers or increases power in my commitment to being in a relationship is missing. So back to the fundamentals. Let's all look: What have you been committed to with the opposite sex? What do you time, money and results say? January's event is about GETTING WHAT YOU'RE COMMITTED TO: STRAIGHT TALK FOR STRAIGHT AIMS

True love

2007-11-19T21:52:00.000-05:00

Several times in my life I've felt I met a "soulmate" or felt like I met the one. I totally acknowledge that I believe there are many men who have captivated me to feel touched by their heart and soul or whom I touched with mine. There is no single soulmate out there in the 6.7 billion people on the planet but many people you might truly love in a lifetime.

A few weeks ago, I reunited with one of them. This man makes my heart, mind and soul sing when I am with him. When we are apart, however, it seems like I don't exist for him. He's called me once since we went out on a remarkable date after two years. It was as if two years hadn't passed. But he only called once since then. I've called a few times but memories of the past, of calling with no response have resurfaced and I want to be chased rather than chasing after men who seem like soulmates, say they feel soulmate with me, but don't deliver the actions that go with finding a soulmate--staying connected and seeking after true love if it's available.

I remember telling him that I intend to be married within the next nine months. I also now recall in hindsight that the last time any serious relationship conversation was shared between
us, two years passed. What gets me is that we click! Why is intimacy of that nature so abhorred by men and women today? I see myself in him in many ways. If you really, really, really are available to me, I'll get scared and do something to mess things up. (Run away! Run away!)

We human beings are characters in a play we keep scripting and then not wanting to follow the script we wrote. So I have to admit, I've gone back to being resigned with this particular guy. He's an extraordinary man. Really, truly remarkable and the more I seem to share my view of him, the more distant he becomes. Makes you want to regret sharing, but I'll never stop but I'll also move on to share with others where the sharing is mutual and constant.

What I want it to be open no matter what. To be willing and able to love and cherish. To be longed for and wanted and to be deliciously happy and growing beyond my self with another.
I know it will take something but I also am standing for that it will happen for me and anyone in my community who wants that too.

Black Women: Is there a Negative Consequence of Marriage for Us?

2007-11-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about how many women are interested in my group and the age-old concern that there are more women than men out there looking for the perfect relationship whether it's marriage or long-term relationships or companionship. In a Washington Post editorial, William Raspberry reported on a study from 2005 that found marriage had negative consequences for black women.

African Americans report that they are less satisfied. They also report higher levels of conflict -- even violence. Then there's the matter of domestic justice -- sharing household responsibilities. And infidelity rates are higher among African American men.

Is that the reason why women like myself, highly educated, middle-class black women over 30 are still single? There is such a demand among women that I find a lot of black women are resigned that it will never happen for them. Yeah, I have my days of thinking that way, I cannot deny it. I am sure others like me think, I have a lot going for me and I have a helluva a lot to offer. What's the deal?

I am committed to Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM) because it really has given me not just hope, but practice in being open and committed to being married and fostering positive and healthy relationships between black men and women for the sake of sons and daughters, whether our own or simply part of the band of folks we will encounter throughout our personal and professional lives. Kids, black and other kids, need to see healthy relationships blossoming and blooming instead of in many instances breaking down between black men and women.

As the report itself notes: "There is every reason to believe that increased marriage rates, and especially higher numbers of good marriages, would bring significant improvements to black people's lives. To take one example, we have seen in this review that higher marriage rates among African Americans would almost certainly reduce the risks of juvenile delinquency facing young African American males."

I am not committed to waiting and seeing, hoping someday, for black women. I get that the predictions may point to better well-being for young black males, but it begins with black women being a demand for their own satisfaction with the opposite sex in all contexts and right now. This is not feminist manifesto. This is about training ourselves to bring happiness and satisfaction to each and every moment we share with others, especially with black men.

What would you be willing to give up concerning your opinions about the relationships with black women, ladies, that might have you see what's possible for you newly? What would you have to give up, usually an opinion or point of view about the way it's been, that would allow you to consider the future is open and can be vastly different from here on out?

CHECK THIS OUT: Wedded Bliss Foundation: A National Initiative to Promote Marriage in the Black Community (March 30, 2008)

Wedded Bliss Foundation was born out of the knowledge that married people live longer, have better health, earn more money, accumulate more wealth, buy more homes, feel more fulfilled in their lives, report enjoying more satisfying sexual relations and have happier, more successful children.

NOV 2: Designing an Owner's Manual for healthy black relationships

2007-11-03T17:18:00.000-04:00

Another remarkable, laughter-filled, seriously engaging conversation and delightful crowd. There were 5 men and 5 women defying any of the talk about there not being enough men. We didn't start on time (black folks!) but we were right on time with the expected results. Folks got present to what using the design of an OWNER'S MANUAL can provide for oneself and for the people in your life you intend to be intimate with at work, at home and in your romantic encounters.

closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together; "their closeness grew as the night wore on"

Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.

In concert hall acoustics, a venue is said to have "acoustical intimacy" if music played in it gives the impression of being played in a small hall.

These events are really an antidote to wasting $35-40 at speed dating where you get some names and numbers, some primping and prowling, and maybe a drink in some impersonal public venue. Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM) is a fun and engaging way to foster healthy relationships between men and women in our black communities.

AT NOVEMBER'S EVENT: We talked about your owner's manual being a tool to inform yourself and others what's need for you to operate at optimum performance and what trouble-shooting should be done if you have a "flat tire" (A man needs 30 mins when he comes home from work) or need a "tune-up". What makes your engine run well? (Must have a massage once a month; Must exercise and go to church regularly). All this would be written in your owner's manual and like your car's manual, you may never take it out of the glove compartment but it can be useful in ANY kind of relationship (not just romantic) when unfamiliar drivers need to learn how to really enjoy your ride. Fri Nov 2, we created the preface of your manual so to speak. What is your motto, tagline or core value.

What is your motto, tagline or core value?
Your owner's manual is for the people who come into your intimate life (male or female). Please bring some ideas about your motto/tagline/core value. Here are descriptions of each:

A motto (from Italian) is a phrase or a short list of words meant formally to describe the general motivation or intention of an entity, social group, or organization.

A tagline is a variant of a branding slogan typically used in marketing materials and advertising. The idea behind the concept is to create a memorable phrase that will sum up the tone and premise of a brand or product (like a film), or to reinforce the audience's memory of a product. Some taglines are successful enough to warrant inclusion in popular culture, often becoming snowclones.

Examples of famous movie/television taglines are:
• Love Story ? Love means never having to say you're sorry.
• Star Trek ? To boldly go where no man has gone before.
• The X-Files ? The truth is out there.
• Jaws 2 - Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

"Your core values are the guiding principles that help you make decisions on a daily basis and define what you stand for as a person and a business. You can spend a lot of time haggling over what they are, but what really matters is that you have them and that you allow them to guide you.

Walt Disney's core values, for example, are imagination and wholesomeness" but it is not "customer service". That's Nordstrom's core value. Sony's core values are: "The elevation of the Japanese culture and national status; being a pioneer--not following others--doing the impossible; encouraging individual ability and creativity" (www.jimcollins.com/pdf/Vision_Framework.pdf).

Join us next month on December 7th in Brooklyn for pt. 2 of Designing your own Owner's Manual. For an invitation, check out kyraocity.com/coach.htm or join meetup.com