Are you a securely attached, anxiously attached, or avoidantly attached

Last night went to see Choreographer Dianne McIntyre and Mississippi Bluesman musician Olu Dara (Nas's dad) in Brooklyn perform Peaches, Plums, and Pontifications at the BRIC Studio. This collaboration between a woman and a man couldn't have been more perfect.

“I knew, if I ever got a chance to work with Dianne, it would be like a horse and a carriage,” [Olu Dara] said in a recent interview in his apartment in Harlem. “I felt she needed something closer to who she was....She would be fully Dianne,” he added, chuckling, and “I could be fully Olu.”(La Rocco, NYTimes May 25. 2008).

I went to a lovely little restaurant called Scopello in Fort Greene to grab a bite after the show. Had the best ceasar salad with homemade dressing and anchovies I have had in years. Also had the butternut squash ravioli. It was a lovely meal. Struck up a conversation with a man at the bar. He's an Algerian-born New Yorker now living in Atlanta. (That's life for you in the 21st century!) The gentleman, a chef by trade, seemed quite interested in our conversation and eventually me. During our conversation, after I shared about Success with the Opposite Sex (TM), I noticed how resigned he is about relating to the opposite sex and romantic relationships. He is not alone, I told him. Most of us in our thirties and forties are saying this, as if it's true we are never going to be happy.

This got me thinking about how attached we are to having things work and then we give up when the last relationship doesn't turn out. So I did a little work on attachment for you today. But first a little more about the collaboration I experienced last night in the performance.

Dianne and Olu are...secure individuals working and collaborating together without trying to make it fit. Olu is a ladies' (emphasis on the plural) man, a playa, a sweet-talkin', bullshittin', cut-you-to-the-core-with-laughter, bluesman who makes the greatest live musical experiences I have ever had. Dianne's choreography is from Slavery and Reconstruction to the Harlem Renaissance Reloaded for the 21st century. It's Improvisational downhome-edness with rigorous dance technique. She asked the audience how we would describe Peaches, Plums, and Pontifications after the show. I said "There are a lot of themes about death and rejuvenation. It's like the blues come alive." What I left thinking about relative to attachment from their collaboration is, they have no attachment to how things should be, how they should work together, they are just totally connected without changing a thing about the other. KnowwhatImean???!!??

CONDITIONS OF ATTACHMENT (cf. John Bowlby's Theory):

"When potential threats are perceived, secure individuals should remain confident that current [partners] will be attentive, responsive, and available to meet their needs and mitigate their distress. These beliefs should increase their feelings of security, deactivating their [need for] attachment ... and allowing secure individuals to use constructive, problem-focused coping strategies. ...

[W]hen [insecurely attached] individuals who are anxiously attached perceive threats, they are likely to be uncertain that their attachment figures will be sufficiently attentive, available, and responsive to their needs. These worries should sustain their anxiety and keep their attachment systems online, leading anxious persons to adopt emotion-focused coping strategies (e.g., remaining hypervigilant to signs of possible loss, ruminating about worst-case scenarios).

When individuals who are avoidantly attached feel threatened [i.e., trust issues abound], they are likely to experience—but perhaps not consciously acknowledge—distress and anxiety at a physiological level. To keep their attachment systems deactivated, these individuals would be expected to strive to inhibit and control their emotions by deploying avoidant coping strategies.

[PROBABLE RESPONSES:] Securely attached individuals, for example, [usually] focus on building greater intimacy with their attachment figures. Individuals who are insecurely attached ... cope differently, consistent with the particular form of insecurity they manifest. Those who are anxiously attached [often] yearn to achieve greater “felt security” [perhaps experienced as "neediness" in lay terms]. Those who are avoidantly attached [often] strive to obtain and maintain interpersonal autonomy and control [I'm fine and I don't need you. /I can do bad by myself .]."
(Simpson, Jeffry A. et. al. 2007. "Attachment and the Experience and Expression of Emotions in Romantic Relationships: A Developmental Perspective." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , Vol. 92, No. 2: 355–367.)

So where are you right now? You could be in a different space tomorrow? Just check in right now. Are you a securely attached individual, an anxiously attached individual, or an avoidantly attached individual when it comes to SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (TM)?? Where are you on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being securely attached and 5 being avoidantly attached?

One day I am gonna get y'all to really reply instead of lurking out their anonymously. LOL!
Oh me? Where am I? Today, with no one calling and me not calling anyone, I might say that I am a 5, avoidantly attached. Hey but I have an adult playdate today with a male friend who adores me. And I am not avoiding it. LOL!

Really Getting What You Want in a Romantic Relationship

Last night I got some of the best coaching I've had about my romantic relationships. I participate in transformational work at Landmark Education and last night one of my coaches shared a great insight with me about my dating life and I'd like to share what i got and what I see for my work with Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM).

So lately I've been meeting some wonderful men but it's also been ending rather quickly without a clue. I always think it's me and it's personal. I bet I am not alone in that. I also think at age 45 I'm gonna end up like one of my aunts who has never been married. It seems like she's just given up on the idea of having a life partner or being married. And everyone in the family seems to think that about her too. I am the only one in my generation who has not been married in my immediate family. But most of the marriages in my family are not working as well as any of them would like them to. There is no LOVE and AFFINITY truly present to me in those relationships but I am an outsider. People have often associated me with my aunt because we both aren't married. But the operative word for me is "YET!"

And I've had people who've participated in SWTOS ask well what about you? You aren't in a relationship. How can you coach other people in Success with the Opposite Sex? A quote I love says "“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson I am convinced that I am not and will not be stopped by failure. And I am out to teach others that the answer is to stay in the game, on the court, until you win the game you're out to win. “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Herman Cain

When holidays roll around, I seem to experience or feel more lonely. I went to a great film the other night alone (Check out THE VISITOR). The trailer is so perfect in this context (the voiceover begins "I haven't done any real work in a very long time. I pretend"). I really enjoyed the film and yet the next day I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely holidays have been for me and even worrying about what the 4th of July would be like. I had spent the weekend at the Bazaar at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music hosts an annual event called DANCE AFRICA every Memorial Day). I was "melanating" with hundreds of black people and still I was insisting in my head that I am alone or lonely. Saw a handful of good friends and old friends I haven't seen for a while. Met a new friend or two as well as meeting some wonderful men, too.

All of this started when it didn't work out with one gentleman I really liked. I've been making his disappearance mean (like a broken record in my head), maybe I'll always be alone...like my aunt. Great story, wrong answer.

Last night, the coach said to me, "maybe what you think is going on, isn't happening at all." And something about what he said hit me. He added, "maybe you know exactly what you want and the men you've been meeting really are not the ones. You are simply learning that quicker than ever and not wasting any time." I loved that! In many ways that's exactly how I've been trying to read things but hearing it from someone whom I'd just met practically who had been complimenting me on how great I am, that made a real difference in how I listened to the whole matter. It is through such interactions, dialogues that matter, that most of us continue on our journey and pursue the fulfillment of our dreams.

This left me thinking about how to have people who participate in SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (tm) this summer REALLY get what they want out of being in relationships. I have been planning a relaunching after a few months of hiatus and rethinking. Click the RED NAMETAG on the left for more details about the Meetup - a relaunching mixer this Sat night at 9pm in Brooklyn.

I'll be sharing a real pathway to producing results you truly want in the dating for partnership and marriage game or maybe you just want to date. Whatever you want, that's what I am committed to causing with our members.

Hint: The answer ain't sitting at home in city with 8.2 million residents. You forget that New York is the most densely populated city in the U.S. More blogging on this tomorrow.