Kyra sings for a surprise proposal in Jersey

Lenny pops the question

I may not have any proposals yet but I am getting closer. Check out Tomas and I performing for a surprise engagement. Success with the Opposite Sex on a new horizon!

Policing the Social Construct of a Man's Role in Marriage

I don't usually pay much attention but I happened across the headline in a store the other day that caught my SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX(TM) radar:

Mariah Carey treats new husband Nick Cannon like an assistant

Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were enjoying a romantic dinner at Gyu-Kaku in LA when suddenly, the pop diva felt the urge to use the restroom. “She told Nick to escort her to the bathroom,” a witness at the restaurant on May 12 tells In Touch. “He walked here there, then waited outside the door. It was like he was on her security team.”

Insiders say that since the two married in the Bahamas on April 30, Nick seems more like Mariah’s employee than her spouse. “She treats Nick like an assistant,” says a friend of Mariah’s. “He’s not treated like her equal or her husband.” Nick also seems to be at Mariah’s beck and call. “He’s very attentive to her,” his pal… Kevin Frazier tells In Touch.
[From In Touch, print edition, June 2, 2008]

The article mentioned Cannon's age (27) and though Mariah's age is not revealed (how gracious of the writers), it was clear that all these details were there to support a cultural myth we have not about superdivas, but about men and their proper roles as the one wearing the pants in a relationship.

I recall when Brandy got married and MTV did a whole reality stint with them. I remembering noticing that her then young husband (now divorced) was not going to like the idea of being represented as a kept man. She kept calling him "pooky" and her voice dominated the narrative in the biopic. It was not long after they divorced. When I saw the piece on Mariah and Nick I thought here we go again.

I teach my anthro students about social constructs. I suggest they are like superstitions we live by like the earth being flat and they shape our thoughts and actions and feelings even though they are anything but true. Here the social construct is about masculinity. You can translate it into hip-hop/black terms "being p*ssy-whipped," "pimped," playin you like a b*tch". All these comments are what polices the boundary of an old antiquated and not real view of the way men should be with women. It's so outdated and doesn't allow for any individuality or self-expression.

A social contruct is "is a concept or practice which may appear to be natural and obvious to those who accept it, but in reality is an invention or artifact of a particular culture or society" (Wikipedia). The way men are or are supposed to be may seem natural but it is invented and could be interpreted any number of ways. These socially agreed upon constructs are often limiting and damage the possibility of having what one truly wants in life with one's partner.

What is masculinity to you? Surely your view is tainted with a social construct. Mine is. I love a man to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, open doors, pay for the dates, but that is not what makes him a man. Masculinity is just his expression. It may complement and overlap with what I express as a female, as femininity and it can even be something I've never imagined.

Tabloids will be tabloids. But will we have enough sense to not continue the superstition about the way we think men oughta be?

Black Women: Is there a Negative Consequence of Marriage for Us?

I've been thinking about how many women are interested in my group and the age-old concern that there are more women than men out there looking for the perfect relationship whether it's marriage or long-term relationships or companionship. In a Washington Post editorial, William Raspberry reported on a study from 2005 that found marriage had negative consequences for black women.

African Americans report that they are less satisfied. They also report higher levels of conflict -- even violence. Then there's the matter of domestic justice -- sharing household responsibilities. And infidelity rates are higher among African American men.

Is that the reason why women like myself, highly educated, middle-class black women over 30 are still single? There is such a demand among women that I find a lot of black women are resigned that it will never happen for them. Yeah, I have my days of thinking that way, I cannot deny it. I am sure others like me think, I have a lot going for me and I have a helluva a lot to offer. What's the deal?

I am committed to Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM) because it really has given me not just hope, but practice in being open and committed to being married and fostering positive and healthy relationships between black men and women for the sake of sons and daughters, whether our own or simply part of the band of folks we will encounter throughout our personal and professional lives. Kids, black and other kids, need to see healthy relationships blossoming and blooming instead of in many instances breaking down between black men and women.

As the report itself notes: "There is every reason to believe that increased marriage rates, and especially higher numbers of good marriages, would bring significant improvements to black people's lives. To take one example, we have seen in this review that higher marriage rates among African Americans would almost certainly reduce the risks of juvenile delinquency facing young African American males."

I am not committed to waiting and seeing, hoping someday, for black women. I get that the predictions may point to better well-being for young black males, but it begins with black women being a demand for their own satisfaction with the opposite sex in all contexts and right now. This is not feminist manifesto. This is about training ourselves to bring happiness and satisfaction to each and every moment we share with others, especially with black men.

What would you be willing to give up concerning your opinions about the relationships with black women, ladies, that might have you see what's possible for you newly? What would you have to give up, usually an opinion or point of view about the way it's been, that would allow you to consider the future is open and can be vastly different from here on out?

CHECK THIS OUT: Wedded Bliss Foundation: A National Initiative to Promote Marriage in the Black Community (March 30, 2008)

Wedded Bliss Foundation was born out of the knowledge that married people live longer, have better health, earn more money, accumulate more wealth, buy more homes, feel more fulfilled in their lives, report enjoying more satisfying sexual relations and have happier, more successful children.

Statistics on Marriage, Divorce, and Living Arrangements

I often quote the statistics on black families and marriage and we had a brief conversation about the myths about black men and women around social demographics. The fact that we often say "there are not enough men" or "not enough of the right men" leads to certain behavior or lack of behavior on the part of women who may be resigned and cynical from such talk. There are plenty of men cause you only need one and there's definitely more than one out there to choose from. In any case, it is good to know the state of the black world demographically. To make choices not from what we think is going on but what the numbers, which are always changing, are at any given time. I think these numbers support the need for Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM).

On the whole, Blacks or African Americans (hereafter called Blacks) have lower rates of marriage and marital stability than all other ethnic groups. They also have higher rates of single-headed families than other groups.

• Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)
• Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)
• Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)
• Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)
• Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)
• Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)
• Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)
  

Statistics on Childbearing

Unmarried Black women constitute a majority of childbearing Black women and the rate of out-of-wedlock childbearing is increasing. Furthermore, teenage childbearing among Black women is high, although the rate is declining faster than in any other group.

STATE OF BLACK AMERICA - TAVIS SMILEY PRESENTS
Though one may or may not agree with all that Julia Hare says at the State of Black America CNN special in honor of Jamestown's anniversary but what you can take from this video is the need, the dire need for a transformation of what we've been through as black men and women.