Online Dating or is it Really Online Waiting

What is it about these online dating games? I've been on http://blackplanet.com and http://blacksingles.com and now http://blackpeoplemeet.com. Long ago I did http://match.com but there was so little selection among black men, my preference. Each one there are always plenty of men to choose from but very little connecting just for the fun of it. We are all spending our money to meet people. The companies are making a killing of our lack of commitment to having what we came for. When we will really get that we are really not committed to being in relationship, experiencing intimacy, dating and marrying. But we love looking like we are committed.

COMMITMENT: (1) the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; (2) an engagement by contract involving financial obligation; "his business commitments to him to London; (3) a message that makes a pledge.

I see how I waffle between aspiring commitment, acknowledged commitment and experienced commitment. I am committed to definition #2, the financial obligation because I've paid about $100 a year for online dating. Others pay as much as $300 or more a year with these sites. More often than not all I have as a result of that commitment is online waiting. Think about it this way. When I do a perfect match search on blackpeoplemeet.com it comes up with about 200 people for me. 200 peoples times $100/year = $2000 made off of people's unfulfilled commitment. You know there's thousands of people on this one site and they probably facilitate LatinPeopleMeet.com and JewishPeopleMeet.com etc. They are gaining off our our unfulfilled commitment. But I stay because I haven't found an alternative is what I justify in my head. But in reality, I like so many others are just afraid to go out and meet people. Join a club or organization is what I am looking at next. I want to meet people in the flesh not sit at home wondering and waiting for the perfect match online.

They say you know how you can tell what you're committed to? Just look at what you have in that area and that's what you've been committed to in the past. Once you see that and accept that IS what you have been committed to, you can choose to really look at what you've been doing and who you've been being that had that be the result of your commitments.

POSTSCRIPT: Had a little mixer for reloading my meetup group Friday night at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn (May 31). One sister who grew up in Fort Greene commented "when did Frank's become a hoodrat hangout." We made the best of it. Had some Cuban dinner, examined what our core values were as an exercise. Had 9 people rsvp - 6 women, 3 men. 4 sisters showed up; you can expect about 40-50% turnout from your rsvps. We had a good time AND we missed having the masculine energy around. I'm returning to my strategy that each sex must invite a person of the opposite sex to maintain gender parity at future events.

Really Getting What You Want in a Romantic Relationship

Last night I got some of the best coaching I've had about my romantic relationships. I participate in transformational work at Landmark Education and last night one of my coaches shared a great insight with me about my dating life and I'd like to share what i got and what I see for my work with Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM).

So lately I've been meeting some wonderful men but it's also been ending rather quickly without a clue. I always think it's me and it's personal. I bet I am not alone in that. I also think at age 45 I'm gonna end up like one of my aunts who has never been married. It seems like she's just given up on the idea of having a life partner or being married. And everyone in the family seems to think that about her too. I am the only one in my generation who has not been married in my immediate family. But most of the marriages in my family are not working as well as any of them would like them to. There is no LOVE and AFFINITY truly present to me in those relationships but I am an outsider. People have often associated me with my aunt because we both aren't married. But the operative word for me is "YET!"

And I've had people who've participated in SWTOS ask well what about you? You aren't in a relationship. How can you coach other people in Success with the Opposite Sex? A quote I love says "“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson I am convinced that I am not and will not be stopped by failure. And I am out to teach others that the answer is to stay in the game, on the court, until you win the game you're out to win. “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Herman Cain

When holidays roll around, I seem to experience or feel more lonely. I went to a great film the other night alone (Check out THE VISITOR). The trailer is so perfect in this context (the voiceover begins "I haven't done any real work in a very long time. I pretend"). I really enjoyed the film and yet the next day I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely holidays have been for me and even worrying about what the 4th of July would be like. I had spent the weekend at the Bazaar at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music hosts an annual event called DANCE AFRICA every Memorial Day). I was "melanating" with hundreds of black people and still I was insisting in my head that I am alone or lonely. Saw a handful of good friends and old friends I haven't seen for a while. Met a new friend or two as well as meeting some wonderful men, too.

All of this started when it didn't work out with one gentleman I really liked. I've been making his disappearance mean (like a broken record in my head), maybe I'll always be alone...like my aunt. Great story, wrong answer.

Last night, the coach said to me, "maybe what you think is going on, isn't happening at all." And something about what he said hit me. He added, "maybe you know exactly what you want and the men you've been meeting really are not the ones. You are simply learning that quicker than ever and not wasting any time." I loved that! In many ways that's exactly how I've been trying to read things but hearing it from someone whom I'd just met practically who had been complimenting me on how great I am, that made a real difference in how I listened to the whole matter. It is through such interactions, dialogues that matter, that most of us continue on our journey and pursue the fulfillment of our dreams.

This left me thinking about how to have people who participate in SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (tm) this summer REALLY get what they want out of being in relationships. I have been planning a relaunching after a few months of hiatus and rethinking. Click the RED NAMETAG on the left for more details about the Meetup - a relaunching mixer this Sat night at 9pm in Brooklyn.

I'll be sharing a real pathway to producing results you truly want in the dating for partnership and marriage game or maybe you just want to date. Whatever you want, that's what I am committed to causing with our members.

Hint: The answer ain't sitting at home in city with 8.2 million residents. You forget that New York is the most densely populated city in the U.S. More blogging on this tomorrow.