Success by Design: Enticement starts with your own willingness to seek

I am just back from an AMAZING experience. A life changing experience. Attending TED2009-The Great Unveiling in Long Beach, Ca. I was selected as one of 40 fellows to attend this invitation-only conference of ideas worth spreading. I met Bill Gates and hung with Quincy Jones and many more. As the lyrics from John Lennon's song Imagine say "You may say I'm a dreamer" but at TED I got that "I'm not the only one."

Out of watching the TED Talks online for over 2 years I got I LOVE design. TED stands for Technology/Entertainment/Design but it's so much more. So this fab pic of the construction that has begun in Saudi Arabia on the King Abdulaziz Centre for Knowledge and Culture by Norwegian architects Snøhetta is but one example. Isn't it a sight!! Check out the TED Talk on Romance.

Design also applies to the way we view people of the opposite sex. We often have designs that do not create connectedness with the opposite sex. Like we are wired for distance. I just had a wonderful exchange with a sister who is coming to the new launching of SWTOS in Brooklyn next week (the fourth Friday of each month--Feb 27th at my place). She created an opening for Success with the Opposite Sex before she even came to the event.

I came up with a great idea for forward the gender parity I so love to create at each event. The regular fee is $10/person. Bonus: $15 for a pair of the opposite sex (and you need not be interested in each other).

I got an email from let's call her dreadsistren. Here is our exchange created like a Twitter feed:

@kyraocity Thanks for the info. The special rate sounds great but the only male I know that might want to come is a romantic involvement and I saw that you'd prefer we don't bring anyone in that situation.

@dreadsistern Hey! There are 6.7 billion people on the planet and half are males. Consider that you need to expand your circle of male friends. If I may, you might ask you male friend if he has any partners who might be interested in coming. Also you are welcome, if you are comfortable with it, bring your romantic interest. It's totally up to you. We have had couples join us. Your choice. But consider asking men you think are looking or lonely from work/ school/ or family too. You made me laught with you only know one man. LOL

@kyraocity lol. No, I said the only man I know who might want to come. I should have added also the only man who I think would concentrate on the conversations at hand and not just attend the event to try to get some booty. I know quite a few men but they wouldn't be interested in/or think it's necessary to try to expand their knowledge. As you know, many of these men out here already know everything. lol

@dreadsistren Got it. Maybe we women in their lives will be the catalyst for creating an environment where our arrogance doesn't blind us. Where the truth can be told. Both sexes need a change or two (it's a two way game and if we're not winning neither are they). Dating is one thing. Satisfaction and fulfillment--that's what SWTOS is about! So consider you might be holding them like they can't learn new tricks or you may be determining the answer to whether they are interested FOR them. Give 'em the choice and bring a few No's back as evidence. LOL

@kyraocity Point taken. I'm going to forward the info to some of them and see what happens. [Few minutes later...]

@kyraocity What I did was highlighted the info from the meetup page, deleted your phone number and only left the borough (no need for them to know unless they're interested in coming). I left the statement you have about the type of group it is and I added this:

I told the organizer I only know 1 male who might be interested in this but she told me to (rightfully so) leave the decision making up to the individual. So here's an FYI. This group is from meetup.com.

I sent it to males and females. I'll let you know if I get any responses.

@dreadsistren Awww! Thank you for your willingness to be related to the opposite sex! That's what I'm talking about. That was as good as watching the Obamas dance to "At Last"!! Don't it feel good too!? LOL

@kyraocity lol. I can't wait to see what folks have to say. Well, time for some dishes and my exercises. I'll get back to you later, hun. Have a great day!

@dreadsistren It's so inspiring to me and you now have a sense of what my events are about. Really making a difference in small acts and the simple pleasures of the opposite sex. I loved your honesty! I bet you'll be surprised by their responses. Even if they say no, be willing to be surprised about what you learn about yourself relative to men!

Hello 2009! It's a brand new world--Obama Time!

I am about to run off to DC. Still seems like a dream that Barack Obama, Michelle and their two daughters will be living in the White House. Who woulda thought we would be painting the White House black from inside. LOL

This pic reminds me of what I want for relationships. It's not soething you have to put into words. It's there in their embrace. And in the world watching and getting who we truly can be. More than a sitcom called The Cosby Show. More than statistics. More than the odds. Simply said. Love. Acceptance. The fulfillment of our hope. The challenge to be who we really are. Everything and the place to create from - nothing.

Returning to blogging regularly here. I can promise once a week. And invite one of you to come blog with me here. Esp. a man!! Want both sides of the equation.

Happy Inauguration!! Love to the world.

We are moving to wordpress...stay tuned!

I'll have the new address for you all by the end of the holiday weekend. Thx for continuing to visit!

Mechanical parts. Male + Female

Mechanical parts
male + female
Social ambiguity
Together must we fail?

Love is simple
Bring that to the table. - Kyra Gaunt ©2008


Inspired by kinetic sculpture by Arthur Ganson (see his Ted Talk at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/267)

TITLE: Arthur Ganson - Little yellow chair

Sculpture as a metaphor for Collaboration & Partnership

Last year while teaching about Baroque music, I discovered through a YouTube video the Baroque sculpture of David of David and Goliath fame by Gian Lorenzo Bernini (1623). The idea of sculpting life became a metaphor for lots of things that matter to me. Sculpting my day. Sculpting or designing how partnership could look to me--what would fulfill me. Seeing it, like Michelangelo saw David in the stone of marble before he began to sculpt it, seeing what I what and taking the actions to have that vision fulfilled.

We are not so great about that when it comes to relationships. Not simply our romantic visions of relationships or our practical experiences with any relationship. Our relationship with our parent of the opposite sex. With the boss of the opposite sex. With our children of the opposite sex. I am very interested in the gender dynamics we have envisioned for ourselves in the opposite sex scenario. Why do we make it so hard--like a stone that cannot be altered?

I see myself resisting a parternship around leading and facilitating powerful relationships between men and women particularly in dating, romance and marriage. Alex, my best friend from grad school's husband, has been doing similar work with gender relations in Philly and he and I have been talking here and there about collaborating and I notice that my vision of our collaboration is laden with stereotypes about working or partnering with men in business.

I notice I don't know how to dance in conversation with him. I am always thinking he's dominating the conversation. So what do I do? Dominate back. Don't say all that there is to say. I start acting like the subordinate woman and then the call takes forever because I am mostly not doing the things I know to do or say. Trying to be nice. (stinky!! yuck!!)

But how great it is to see the situation as that block of stone to carve and create in instead of off the bat deciding this is not going to work. What if being in relationship, in communication, with the opposite sex is like getting a chunk of stone to work with, to create from, and you can create ANYTHING? No, not like fixing and changing the other person like there an object to be molded or altered. I mean really partnering in conversation--collaborating around what we say, could say and have never said in the moment. What would that be like for you?

For me I think it's like the magnetic sculpture below. I found it in another YouTube video. Can you tell I am a YouTube geek? Out of creating events for Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM), I have discovered the power of using other kinds of tactile arts and our senses to get at things we don't always talk about in gender relations. Oh, and I'll tell you more about what Alex and I will be working on together as it materializes...as we sculpt. Alex is a poet and a motivational speaker and his website is http://4mankind.net




Magnetic Sculpture by Sachiko Kodama and Minkako Takeno: "Protrude + Flow"

Really Getting What You Want in a Romantic Relationship

Last night I got some of the best coaching I've had about my romantic relationships. I participate in transformational work at Landmark Education and last night one of my coaches shared a great insight with me about my dating life and I'd like to share what i got and what I see for my work with Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM).

So lately I've been meeting some wonderful men but it's also been ending rather quickly without a clue. I always think it's me and it's personal. I bet I am not alone in that. I also think at age 45 I'm gonna end up like one of my aunts who has never been married. It seems like she's just given up on the idea of having a life partner or being married. And everyone in the family seems to think that about her too. I am the only one in my generation who has not been married in my immediate family. But most of the marriages in my family are not working as well as any of them would like them to. There is no LOVE and AFFINITY truly present to me in those relationships but I am an outsider. People have often associated me with my aunt because we both aren't married. But the operative word for me is "YET!"

And I've had people who've participated in SWTOS ask well what about you? You aren't in a relationship. How can you coach other people in Success with the Opposite Sex? A quote I love says "“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson I am convinced that I am not and will not be stopped by failure. And I am out to teach others that the answer is to stay in the game, on the court, until you win the game you're out to win. “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Herman Cain

When holidays roll around, I seem to experience or feel more lonely. I went to a great film the other night alone (Check out THE VISITOR). The trailer is so perfect in this context (the voiceover begins "I haven't done any real work in a very long time. I pretend"). I really enjoyed the film and yet the next day I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely holidays have been for me and even worrying about what the 4th of July would be like. I had spent the weekend at the Bazaar at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music hosts an annual event called DANCE AFRICA every Memorial Day). I was "melanating" with hundreds of black people and still I was insisting in my head that I am alone or lonely. Saw a handful of good friends and old friends I haven't seen for a while. Met a new friend or two as well as meeting some wonderful men, too.

All of this started when it didn't work out with one gentleman I really liked. I've been making his disappearance mean (like a broken record in my head), maybe I'll always be alone...like my aunt. Great story, wrong answer.

Last night, the coach said to me, "maybe what you think is going on, isn't happening at all." And something about what he said hit me. He added, "maybe you know exactly what you want and the men you've been meeting really are not the ones. You are simply learning that quicker than ever and not wasting any time." I loved that! In many ways that's exactly how I've been trying to read things but hearing it from someone whom I'd just met practically who had been complimenting me on how great I am, that made a real difference in how I listened to the whole matter. It is through such interactions, dialogues that matter, that most of us continue on our journey and pursue the fulfillment of our dreams.

This left me thinking about how to have people who participate in SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (tm) this summer REALLY get what they want out of being in relationships. I have been planning a relaunching after a few months of hiatus and rethinking. Click the RED NAMETAG on the left for more details about the Meetup - a relaunching mixer this Sat night at 9pm in Brooklyn.

I'll be sharing a real pathway to producing results you truly want in the dating for partnership and marriage game or maybe you just want to date. Whatever you want, that's what I am committed to causing with our members.

Hint: The answer ain't sitting at home in city with 8.2 million residents. You forget that New York is the most densely populated city in the U.S. More blogging on this tomorrow.

Success with Dating on New Year's Eve

In the area of dating, like the other areas of my life that aren't working as well as I'd like, I have been stuck with "it's all my fault" if things are going bad and "it's all their fault" if it's good.

The week before Christmas I went on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, actually a vacation course with Landmark Education (Part of the Wisdom Division is your familiar with Landmark). The course, led by Landmark Forum Leader and Wisdom Designer Brian Regnier was called HOW TO GET UNSTUCK. The course featured over 150 participants from the US, Canada, the Netherlands, and more. Most were from the US. The ship carried 6000 passengers. It was quite an adventure as we stopped in San Juan, PR; St. Thomas, USVI, and St. Maarten.

It's amazing to see how many people no matter their race, creed, religion, ethnicity or class share being stuck in areas of their lives that are important to them and when you share them together growth and development is available for all involved. During the week it became clear that many of the course participants were stuck with feeling FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET in the area where they were most stuck. Mine changed from day to day during the seven day cruise. First it seemed to be being lonely/single/not married. Then it was my body image and issues about how big my ass is that have plagued me since adolescence. Then is was my inability to finish writing assignments on time/missing deadlines around my scholarship.

We discussed how RESPONSIBILITY is not simply "being willing to experience being cause in the matter". That's important but first you must take a look at those areas that usually drives what we call being responsible but often leaves us not taking action. RESPONSIBILITY is not FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET. If you can say how it REALLY is for you about who's fault it is, where you feel guilt, blame, shame or regret then truly being responsible arises as a willingness to experience being cause in the matter.

From practicing these two steps, we are able to respond creatively to the matter, just as it is. Free to be and free to act.

WHAT I DISCOVERED FROM THE COURSE and ACTIONS THAT RESULTED:
I got that I really live life like my being overweight, lonely, not married is MY FAULT and that winning a book prize or saving my job this year is SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAULT. Somebody else liked what I did, helped me win the prize, my Dean made sure I won my appeal at work. Ultimately, I keep falling into a conversation of INVALIDATION. My number one stuckness I discovered is INVALIDATION.

When I look at my past relationships, invalidating myself (and the person who dares to like me in the face of that interpretation of myself) has driven me right out of most relationships and some friendships with women. SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (or same sex) is rarely possible with this going on in the background.

Just seeing that made a HUGE difference in my BEING WILLING TO EXPERIENCE being cause in the matter.

So the next thing I did was choose to create having a fun great date on New Year's Eve and I had no date as of Saturday morning before New Years. I posted an ad with a photo on Craig's List (WOMEN SEEKING MAN) for a NYE date. The ad header was

SEXY SBF ISO SBM or other for New Year's Eve Companion - 45.

Yeah I advertised my age and photo! But y'all know I look 30-35!

I got some of the best results ever inside my online dating game and I've been getting random acknowledgments from men who didn't fit my bill but who just loved my ad and let me know.

I had a really fun and engaging date that didn't look anything like what I expected but it fulfilled my intention. I also have other men to date and my conversation about being lonely has all of sudden transformed and my concern about my body image doesn't have a hold on me and I actually gained a few cruise pounds. LOL

In 2008, I will continue to look for and create adventure from Craig's List to flying planes and more. I want folks out to create SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX out there, those who really and truly want to GET RELATED not DATED to consider trying out the practice of being straight about where there is FAULT, BLAME, SHAME, GUILT or REGRET around what matters to you about dating or being in a relationship (or not).

Happy New Year!!

NOV 2: Designing an Owner's Manual for healthy black relationships

Another remarkable, laughter-filled, seriously engaging conversation and delightful crowd. There were 5 men and 5 women defying any of the talk about there not being enough men. We didn't start on time (black folks!) but we were right on time with the expected results. Folks got present to what using the design of an OWNER'S MANUAL can provide for oneself and for the people in your life you intend to be intimate with at work, at home and in your romantic encounters.

closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together; "their closeness grew as the night wore on"

Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.

In concert hall acoustics, a venue is said to have "acoustical intimacy" if music played in it gives the impression of being played in a small hall.

These events are really an antidote to wasting $35-40 at speed dating where you get some names and numbers, some primping and prowling, and maybe a drink in some impersonal public venue. Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM) is a fun and engaging way to foster healthy relationships between men and women in our black communities.

AT NOVEMBER'S EVENT: We talked about your owner's manual being a tool to inform yourself and others what's need for you to operate at optimum performance and what trouble-shooting should be done if you have a "flat tire" (A man needs 30 mins when he comes home from work) or need a "tune-up". What makes your engine run well? (Must have a massage once a month; Must exercise and go to church regularly). All this would be written in your owner's manual and like your car's manual, you may never take it out of the glove compartment but it can be useful in ANY kind of relationship (not just romantic) when unfamiliar drivers need to learn how to really enjoy your ride. Fri Nov 2, we created the preface of your manual so to speak. What is your motto, tagline or core value.

What is your motto, tagline or core value?
Your owner's manual is for the people who come into your intimate life (male or female). Please bring some ideas about your motto/tagline/core value. Here are descriptions of each:

A motto (from Italian) is a phrase or a short list of words meant formally to describe the general motivation or intention of an entity, social group, or organization.

A tagline is a variant of a branding slogan typically used in marketing materials and advertising. The idea behind the concept is to create a memorable phrase that will sum up the tone and premise of a brand or product (like a film), or to reinforce the audience's memory of a product. Some taglines are successful enough to warrant inclusion in popular culture, often becoming snowclones.

Examples of famous movie/television taglines are:
• Love Story ? Love means never having to say you're sorry.
• Star Trek ? To boldly go where no man has gone before.
• The X-Files ? The truth is out there.
• Jaws 2 - Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

"Your core values are the guiding principles that help you make decisions on a daily basis and define what you stand for as a person and a business. You can spend a lot of time haggling over what they are, but what really matters is that you have them and that you allow them to guide you.

Walt Disney's core values, for example, are imagination and wholesomeness" but it is not "customer service". That's Nordstrom's core value. Sony's core values are: "The elevation of the Japanese culture and national status; being a pioneer--not following others--doing the impossible; encouraging individual ability and creativity" (www.jimcollins.com/pdf/Vision_Framework.pdf).

Join us next month on December 7th in Brooklyn for pt. 2 of Designing your own Owner's Manual. For an invitation, check out kyraocity.com/coach.htm or join meetup.com

Create your own nation, Design your own owner's manual

I sent a thank you to all the new members on our Success with the Opposite Sex meetup.com group and posted the following message to them. It's perfect for our blog too and posted below. Before that, I want to share some thoughts from a newcomer who attended last month's event.

I wanted to tell you how moved, touched and changed I felt after the last gathering. As I shared with everyone that night; for the last four years I have only held real deep communication with the men in my family, colleagues at work and my therapist--and not to minimize him, but also my gay best friend. Wow, man have I been missing out--what a great non threatening way to get back into practice without any pressure.

Thank you for creating such a simple, profound way for men and women to connect beyond the superficial. See you on the 2nd.

Our next event is on November 2nd
You'll need a notebook or bring your own journal/diary
You may also want to bring your favorite pen or writing utensil

THEME for the next event is DESIGNING YOUR OWN OWNER'S MANUAL.

For those who don't know I am a professor of music and anthropology. Today I taught about political systems in my cultural anthro intro. I am having my students play a game called CREATE YOUR OWN NATION based on a website I found. An author found a creative way to advertise her political novel that is being marketed by a simluation game called NATION STATES.
http://www.nationstates.net/
NationStates is a free nation simulation game. Build a nation and run it according to your own warped political ideals. Create a Utopian paradise for society's less fortunate or a totalitarian corporate police state. Care for your people or deliberately oppress them. Join the United Nations or remain a rogue state. It's really up to you.

This got me thinking. If you could create a NEW owner's manual for yourself, like create it from scratch, how would your life run? How would your relationships operate? What would you be creating in your relationships?

In the nationstates simulation game (which is free if you're interested), you create your own nation, your nation's motto, flag, style of government, etc. We might do some collaging of the motto and flag, or said from an entrepreneurial perspective, we might collage your brand name and logo, to get started on your owner's manual at November's event.

Your owner's manual in this day an age might be a podcast, a video, or a visual display. Doesn't have to be literate communication, you know.

Something to think about and entice you to come on Nov 2 ladies and gentlemen!
Come out and stake your flag for the world to see what impossible dreams you are out to fulfill in relationship!

Best, Kyra
http://kyraocity.com

Another Successful Event in October

Announcing the next Success with the Opposite Sex (TM) Meetup Group!

What: Designing an Owner's Manual for Success
When: Friday, November 2, 8:00 PM

Discounted '07 Event fee : USD $10.00 per person (for new and returning members)

IN OCTOBER: The theme was Romantic Love. We inquired into the cliché and stereotypical ways we think of and relate to ROMANCE or ROMANTIC LOVE. Many of us were cynical and resigned. Then I shared a video by an anthropologist on the latest research on love as a biological drive with three aspects (lust - love - attachment). Then I introduced a historical interpretation of love: "the artistic expression of one's innermost desires" whether romantic or not. We shared and broke bread over our innermost desires with at least three people of the opposite sex and it was delicious, intimate and engaging!

Here are the October survey responses to "WHY WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS EVENT?":

• "It is helpful to talk to men in a safe place without any agenda." - Single female 30-39
• "It was a positive environment." - Single male 40 and up
• "The open, honest sharing between everyone was valuable." - Divorced female 30-39
• "Informative and also made very good use of my Friday evening" - Single male 30-39
• "It's safe. It was a pleasure to hold intimate eye contact + frank talk with men." - Single female 30-39
• "Real talk!! Engaging activity." - Single male, 22-29

FOR NOVEMBER: We came up with a great theme at the last event
DESIGNING AN OWNER'S MANUAL for Success with the Opposite Sex.

Your car comes with an owner's manual. This manual is supplied with each new vehicle and explains how various features of the vehicle operate. It also contains useful information on driving tips, and specifications of the vehicle. But unlike your car, you are more like your computer. You need to update and upgrade both your hardware and software, let's say, after each relationship or change in relationship (moving from being single to being engaged or married to being divorced).

I am considering making this OWNER'S MANUAL a ongoing and required activity for participating in SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED(TM). November's event is the beta test for it's design so come on out and play!

When I think of an owner's manual, my CEO gene thinks of Warren Buffet's Owner's Manual http://www.berkshirehathaway.com/owners.html

Buffet writes:

These pages are aimed at explaining our broad principles of operation, not at giving you detail about Berkshire's many businesses.... At the time of the Blue Chip merger in 1983, I set down 13 owner-related business principles that I thought would help new shareholders understand our managerial approach. As is appropriate for "principles," all 13 remain alive and well today, and they are stated here in italics. A few words have been changed to bring them up-to-date and to each I've added a short commentary.

1. Although our form is corporate, our attitude is partnership.

From this brief excerpt, you may get a sense of the power of having an owner's manual.
That's what's I have in store for us on November 2nd in Brooklyn.

TED Talks>> Dan Gilbert: Why are we happy? Why aren't we happy?

CREATE A SWTOS MEETUP IN YOUR CITY OR NEIGHBORHOOD:
As CEO, I am now launching other meetups (join the franchise) in other cities. I partner with a host/trainee to set up a series in your own home and coach you over a ten week series to facilitate this on your own. The potential to earn additional income and facilitate growth, development and leadership in black communities for the social well-being of men and women is what's at stake and available.

If you're interested in starting a group in another city or location, call me at 646 831 0615.

Thanks and see you next month at SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM).

Join the meetup group in NYC at:
http://blackology.meetup.com/64/calendar/6499756/


GET RELATED not DATED BLOG INQUIRY: I want to hear your thoughts on this

If each man and woman set down the broad and key principles for operating at peak performance in relationships, what might that provide not only for your partners but more importantly for you?