Critique of Black People Meet

After spending day after day checking my BLACK PEOPLE MEET site for mail I've come to a few conclusions about the site. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow the responses I get on BPM will turn around (Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result -- Einstein). The subscription initially costs $39 plus $8.95 per month. That's about $140/year x 40 profilers = $5,600 a year (not 67.000 as I had typed earlier-lol). They have way more than 40 subscribers. What a business! I should go into this one.

I was inspired by the disappointing results and this fact about the income they generate to create a list that spells out how blackpeoplemeet.com REALLY works for most consumers o the product. I posted this list as my greeting on my profile as well. LOL!

1. NO FLIRTS PLEASE: Men and women visit profiles that say "no flirts" (short hand notes with icons that say "I like your profile" or "I'm interested" or "You're cute") and still ignore the profiler's request and wonder why they get no response and no dates.
   
2. WHO'S VIEWED ME? A Who's Viewed Me? link lets you see the pics and profiles of others who visit your profile. From that you can tell who replies and who doesn't but knowing all that doesn't make a difference in your rate of return even if you reach out after they visit and don't reply. So what's the point? To keep us busy.
   
3. HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU BEFORE: If you stay on the site and pay your membership for more than a year you'll see the same faces looking over time but still get no real response.
4. EARNING FROM LONGING (or misery loves company): Black People Meet (as well as Black Yahoo Personals and BlackSingles.com or other subscription dating services) depends on making money from our lack of commitment and we keep coming back because the state of our longing continues. This is why most consumers of these dating service don't demand the demonstrate and display their success rates before registeration.
   
5. COMMITMENT: It is said you can tell what you are committed to by looking at where you spend your time and money and the results you have as a function of those actions. Perhaps the site should be called Black People Don't Meet.
6. SOUNDTRACK: It should be the Isley Brothers "Who's that Lady? esp. when they sing the part that says "Look, but don't touch, baby, nah, nah, nah, don't touch!"
7. FEAR: Black people are afraid in person and online so the tip of the iceberg (lack of connections on blackpeoplemeet.com) reflects the mountain of fear and unfillment that many black singles experience in everyday life.
   

I wonder if Black Yahoo Personals and BlackSingles.com works this way too? Anyone know?

I assert this experience might be a measure of the state of black relationships or better yet the state of our commitment to being related. I'd love to hear about your online experiences. I'd rather hear about those who have actual experience (on the court) rather than critiques about those who use these sites but have not (peanut gallery; from the stands).

Online Dating or is it Really Online Waiting

What is it about these online dating games? I've been on http://blackplanet.com and http://blacksingles.com and now http://blackpeoplemeet.com. Long ago I did http://match.com but there was so little selection among black men, my preference. Each one there are always plenty of men to choose from but very little connecting just for the fun of it. We are all spending our money to meet people. The companies are making a killing of our lack of commitment to having what we came for. When we will really get that we are really not committed to being in relationship, experiencing intimacy, dating and marrying. But we love looking like we are committed.

COMMITMENT: (1) the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; (2) an engagement by contract involving financial obligation; "his business commitments to him to London; (3) a message that makes a pledge.

I see how I waffle between aspiring commitment, acknowledged commitment and experienced commitment. I am committed to definition #2, the financial obligation because I've paid about $100 a year for online dating. Others pay as much as $300 or more a year with these sites. More often than not all I have as a result of that commitment is online waiting. Think about it this way. When I do a perfect match search on blackpeoplemeet.com it comes up with about 200 people for me. 200 peoples times $100/year = $2000 made off of people's unfulfilled commitment. You know there's thousands of people on this one site and they probably facilitate LatinPeopleMeet.com and JewishPeopleMeet.com etc. They are gaining off our our unfulfilled commitment. But I stay because I haven't found an alternative is what I justify in my head. But in reality, I like so many others are just afraid to go out and meet people. Join a club or organization is what I am looking at next. I want to meet people in the flesh not sit at home wondering and waiting for the perfect match online.

They say you know how you can tell what you're committed to? Just look at what you have in that area and that's what you've been committed to in the past. Once you see that and accept that IS what you have been committed to, you can choose to really look at what you've been doing and who you've been being that had that be the result of your commitments.

POSTSCRIPT: Had a little mixer for reloading my meetup group Friday night at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn (May 31). One sister who grew up in Fort Greene commented "when did Frank's become a hoodrat hangout." We made the best of it. Had some Cuban dinner, examined what our core values were as an exercise. Had 9 people rsvp - 6 women, 3 men. 4 sisters showed up; you can expect about 40-50% turnout from your rsvps. We had a good time AND we missed having the masculine energy around. I'm returning to my strategy that each sex must invite a person of the opposite sex to maintain gender parity at future events.

A New Tool for Distinguishing Commitment in Any Area of Life

Last night was a blast!
We had seven people--5 men and 3 women--participated
REDEFINING COMMITMENT

3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family. From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/commitment

From the Core Value of a Medicine School at http://www.uicomp.uic.edu/Vision/Commitment.html

"We define Commitment as a state of being in which one embraces the vision by choice and feels personally responsible to contribute to its accomplishments. We live this value by:

• Pursuing the vision with energy and passion.
• Developing the relationship necessary to achieve the vision.
• Pursuing a path of lifelong learning that involves personal growth and development.
• Supporting the growth and development of those around us.
• Performing our job to the best of our ability and encouraging others to perform their jobs well.
• Supporting and encouraging the efforts of others to accomplish the[ir] vision.
• Persevering in our efforts to accomplish the vision when we are confronted by
• Taking responsibility for accomplishing the tasks that are assigned to us"

The skateboard icon above is another version of commitment. The kind of commitment that is unreasonably devoted to making it work even when you have keep things together with masking tape. You still enjoy the ride and dare to risk it all for the adventure.

The Landmark Education definition: "Commitment begins an adventure. It is the backbone and driving force of achievement. Commitment is the triumph of possibility over all the reasons why 'it can't be done,' of creation over mere change. Commitment and the power of your word set new worlds into motion." (LE, 2004).

In everyday life, most of us simply assume we know what "commitment" means and never get back to a core definition or distinction about how it lives effectively in the world. How do you do being committed, or what is it to be BEING committed and what are its parts in your real life? I designed an exercise to make it real but first we began the evening sharing thoughts about what it already seems to mean in the black community or elsewhere in life.

One woman shared that because there is a lack of trust in the black community, there is little commitment. One brother said "I see more commitment to dating than to relationship...I've been taking a look at where I've been half assed in my relationships and now I am rechoosing to commit and reaping the benefits of that." Heru shared about the 80/20 percent rule regarding being committed.

Heru: When I was in a relationship that 20% I wasn't getting was so appealing I'd dash out of a relationship, and then when I wasn't in a relationship, I missed the 80%. This concept was so brilliantly articulated in the Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? I didn't understand this 80/20 percent thing and I didn't have any older uncle to guide me in what I was going through. So, you're like learning on the fly messin' it up!

Nick: Then when you mess it up, they [the older men] say "That's how you do it!"
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]

Heru adds: Well...that's how I [been doing] it!!! [More laughter. This time a more ironic laughter as if to say the old men are right but that's not what younger men really want].

Out of the event you can see just how much black men and women desire commitment, aspire to be committed, how they/we acknowledge commitment when we see and experience it.

I introduced a new distinction in SWTOS for COMMITMENT (see LABEL CLOUD). There are three levels of commitment:

• 1st level: aspiring (you said it)
• 2nd level: acknowledged (the opposite sex or others are saying it back to you)
• 3rd level is experienced (it happened and was acknowledged to others; you are known for it by others).

The GET RELATED not DATED exercise involved a wheel chart I devised that looks like the sample of my chart to the left. Might be too small for your to see but I used the thought and talk bubbles in the DRAW tool in Word to capture conversations (monologue-1st level or dialogues-2nd and 3rd levels of commitment). You had to be there to get the full experience.

It's clear that I aspire to create audio podcasts from these events. Videopodcasting might be too intrusive. Anyone interested in assisting with this, contact me! Looking for partners in this game!!

I wish I could share all the intimacy, breakthrough insights, and love that was in the room last night. It was wonderful.
Let me share some of the basic feedback from my surveys from the end of the evening.

SCALE: 1 = Strongly disagree 3 = neutral 5 = Strongly agree
A. This evening was delightful and worth my time 4.8/5.0 = 96%
B. I experienced intimacy with the opposite sex 4.3/5.0 = 86%
C. I would recommend this event to friends/family 4.6/5.0 = 93%

About the guests: 3 females, 5 males

7 single, 1 divorced
Ages: 1 - 20s, 5 - 30s, 2 - 40s
Results thus far from participating: 2 of the men in the group are now in committed relationships since coming to SWTOS, 1 of the returning women is dating successfully towards being in a committed relationship, 1 women who is new to the group, her second time, is now in a committed relationship with another member.

Comments from the Surveys:

• Male, 30-39: "Real intimacy!"
• Male 40-40: "This core group gives insights that are useful & practical to day to day relationships."
• Female 30-39: "This gets people talking & moving forward."
• Male 20-29: "Got real flexible, deep life coaching."

I am committing myself to expanding this venture and getting it out to more people who I know would absolutely love the experience of sharing and the opportunity to invite feedback in areas where you are aspiring to be committed. We didn't just talk about romance and dating. It included career/business, social networking and communication, and even body image. One brother shared from his WHEEL OF COMMITMENT that he is aspiring to have have more guy friends and put that in a aspiring thought bubble.

I know I am onto something with this venture called SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM). How to grow the venture into a thriving business is my next step.

COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck...Waiting?

January 2008!
Our next theme is COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck?
For two months, I've been developing a series on how to DESIGN YOUR OWN OWNER'S MANUAL for relationships. Out of a breakdown and a breakthough, I discovered the foundation for that conversation: Exploring where you have been stuck around your commitment to be in a relationship.

For me it has been in being lonely, giving up/resigned, disliking my body image, and the clich being single. Would you be willing to face where you are stuck openly in conversation with others? Take courage, but I promise you a breakthrough like no other.

Why pay $35 for this Brooklyn event?
Most people pay $35-40 for a night of speed dating.
You get some nice chit-chat, maybe a number and a call. Even fewer get a date. But most get a night out at best. This is worth your time and money and you'll want to come again and again to be with people of the opposite sex in a new way.

Light snack, wine and a great sense of intimacy like you don't experience with people you've known all your life. Join us! Click the red MEETUP button to the left for more info.

NYT : 2008 Speed Dating Study Finds SBF only seeks BM (4/13/07)



Many black women I know complain about their resentment when they see black men with white women. In the Oprah clip above, Oprah suggests that black men are not available "the numbers just don't pan out". Actually a Speed Dating research study published in 2008 (Review of Economic Studies 75, 117–132) showed a strong preference among black women for same-sex romance. By contrast, men of all races do not hold the same view and are open to interracial dating. So perhaps it is not about black men but rather about what black women prefer and are waiting for. Maybe we should explore more.

The study included Columbia graduate students of white, black, Asian and Hispanic descent. It considered state and country of origin as well.
Here are some key findings:

- "black women strongly prefer men of their own race, while black men do not exhibit a significant preference for black women over others" (caution: based on a small sample).

- "same-race preferences are negatively correlated with education" (in other words, the more educated you are, the more open to interracial dating)

- "Men are generally willing to date someone of another race, but women are more reluctant, especially African-American women."

- "Older subjects and more physically attractive subjects exhibit weaker same-race preferences."

- "Attractiveness may play an important role in the determination of racial preferences, especially those against Asian men.... Female Asian partners are consistently rated as less attractive, though we also find that black females receive significantly lower ratings relative to whites."

One may be left with all kinds of reactions and thoughts about these findings. Here are some questions:

What factors contribute to black women being rated as less attractive consistently?
What cultural and historical factors cause us to resist interracial dating in an age where we are less likely to ever mary given that decision?

What do you think?

Committment

The holidays brings up a lot for people--cheerfulness and despair. We became more aware of what we have and don't have esp. in relationships and not just romance. Being with family brings it on if you're still single. New Year's eve can too. Will I have a date? Where will I go or will I stay home? With my girlfriends again or will I have a date and with whom? And will there be mistletoe?

Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM) is scheduled for the first Friday of every month. On Fri Dec 7th twelve men and women rsvped with about 8-9 women in the mix. Lo and behold by 9pm four single men showed up, two of whom are in committed relationships. Not one woman showed or called to say they wouldn't be coming. It's odd because women are always complaining that it's men who are not committed.

This got me thinking about COMMITMENT as a topic. Commitment can be measured by where you have been spending your time, money, and results. It's no co-ink-a-dink (coincidence) that the single women and men who rsvp for the MEETUP.COM for Success with the Opposite Sex, some even pay the fee ahead, but then at the last minute don't call or show.

I have the same questionable commitment around the event. Taking time to be fully prepared (house cleaned ahead of time, materials created ahead of time, etc). It was last minute all the way. And the guests didn't show at the last minute. They are not even committed to sharing why it didn't work for them to come. This left me really disappointed Friday night.

Then I thought about my own personal relationships with men and where I say I am committed. I think a particular man is a perfect match for me but my actions lately (where I spend my time and money) is in refusing to call, wondering why he's not calling more often or why he's not interested, and avoiding finding out the real deal so I can move on if it's not working for him and for me. Crazy! I am committed to being crazy (LOL) AND cooky. This is a commitment to being unfulfilled surfacing again and this is not the first time I have distinguished it. It perfectly fits a story I've had about my life--I'm not good enough. (And that's not true but my actions are sure consistent with such a context).

So COMMITMENT is our topic next month. What do we say to ourselves about being committed? What don't we say to ourselves and the opposite sex? What could we talk about relative to being committed to one another? This has implications all the way down to rsvping and being a no show. What you may discover by looking at where you already are spending your time and results (not to mention money) is that you are actually committed to being alone, to feeling good rather than being satisfied, to being single or complaining about not being married. The icon to the right that I found on Google Images searching "commitment" shows three levels of commitment:

• The lowest level is aspiring commitment
  
• The next level is acknowledged commitment
  
• The highest level is experienced commitment
  

Are you simply ASPIRING to be in a committed relationship? Do the people of the opposite sex in your life ACKNOWLEDGE that commitment or does your relationships with the opposite sex demonstrate your hidden commitment? About the highest level, do you and the people of the opposite sex actually EXPERIENCE your commitment. This is an exercise in distinguishing where your real commitment lies and choosing what you really want if you'd been aiming elsewhere given what you've already been doing.

Having an owner's manual with this kind of resignation behind it is like getting a used car when the carburetor is inoperable or actually missing, yet you try to follow the owner's manual anyhow. The car just doesn't work without a carburetor.

Carburetor \Car"bu*ret`or\, n. (Chem.)
  An apparatus in which coal gas, hydrogen, or air is passed
  through or over a volatile hydrocarbon, in order to confer or
  increase illuminating power.

What I am present to is that the foundation that confers or increases power in my commitment to being in a relationship is missing. So back to the fundamentals. Let's all look: What have you been committed to with the opposite sex? What do you time, money and results say? January's event is about GETTING WHAT YOU'RE COMMITTED TO: STRAIGHT TALK FOR STRAIGHT AIMS