Rethinking Intimacy

I had a great experience of sadness today. Just being with that I was truly sad and shared it with a friend. True intimacy emerged. Intimacy still is so often collapsed with sex and physical interaction. Found a great article on intimacy and boundaries. (Photo from Intimacy: The Sensual Essence of Flowers by Joyce Tenneson)

"Most of us are much more hurt when our feelings are [not returned or are disrespected] than when our behaviors are criticized. This is especially true about our hidden desires for someone to nurture us. In an intimate relationship, this is the experiential truth that is most risky to show. When we reveal our dependence on the other person, criticism can feel devastating.

[Sometimes] We’ve lost some hope that we can immediately experience that tender connection. When this happens, we can’t let go of the pain unless we have the capacity to mourn. When we have to pull back and rely on ourselves alone, it’s important to feel sad. Many of us do not do this well because we have a sense of shame about sadness. And because we’re blocked from feeling sad, we’re often blocked from pulling back into our own frame of reference. Healthy sadness is an essential tool for deepening intimacy. It allows us to lessen our risks because it allows us to separate emotionally when we need to." Bryce Kaye

Can you tell me
.......your darkest secret

and share about
.........the greatest meal
you'll never have?

©2008 Kyra Gaunt

A New Tool for Distinguishing Commitment in Any Area of Life

Last night was a blast!
We had seven people--5 men and 3 women--participated
REDEFINING COMMITMENT

3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family. From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/commitment

From the Core Value of a Medicine School at http://www.uicomp.uic.edu/Vision/Commitment.html

"We define Commitment as a state of being in which one embraces the vision by choice and feels personally responsible to contribute to its accomplishments. We live this value by:

• Pursuing the vision with energy and passion.
• Developing the relationship necessary to achieve the vision.
• Pursuing a path of lifelong learning that involves personal growth and development.
• Supporting the growth and development of those around us.
• Performing our job to the best of our ability and encouraging others to perform their jobs well.
• Supporting and encouraging the efforts of others to accomplish the[ir] vision.
• Persevering in our efforts to accomplish the vision when we are confronted by
• Taking responsibility for accomplishing the tasks that are assigned to us"

The skateboard icon above is another version of commitment. The kind of commitment that is unreasonably devoted to making it work even when you have keep things together with masking tape. You still enjoy the ride and dare to risk it all for the adventure.

The Landmark Education definition: "Commitment begins an adventure. It is the backbone and driving force of achievement. Commitment is the triumph of possibility over all the reasons why 'it can't be done,' of creation over mere change. Commitment and the power of your word set new worlds into motion." (LE, 2004).

In everyday life, most of us simply assume we know what "commitment" means and never get back to a core definition or distinction about how it lives effectively in the world. How do you do being committed, or what is it to be BEING committed and what are its parts in your real life? I designed an exercise to make it real but first we began the evening sharing thoughts about what it already seems to mean in the black community or elsewhere in life.

One woman shared that because there is a lack of trust in the black community, there is little commitment. One brother said "I see more commitment to dating than to relationship...I've been taking a look at where I've been half assed in my relationships and now I am rechoosing to commit and reaping the benefits of that." Heru shared about the 80/20 percent rule regarding being committed.

Heru: When I was in a relationship that 20% I wasn't getting was so appealing I'd dash out of a relationship, and then when I wasn't in a relationship, I missed the 80%. This concept was so brilliantly articulated in the Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? I didn't understand this 80/20 percent thing and I didn't have any older uncle to guide me in what I was going through. So, you're like learning on the fly messin' it up!

Nick: Then when you mess it up, they [the older men] say "That's how you do it!"
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]

Heru adds: Well...that's how I [been doing] it!!! [More laughter. This time a more ironic laughter as if to say the old men are right but that's not what younger men really want].

Out of the event you can see just how much black men and women desire commitment, aspire to be committed, how they/we acknowledge commitment when we see and experience it.

I introduced a new distinction in SWTOS for COMMITMENT (see LABEL CLOUD). There are three levels of commitment:

• 1st level: aspiring (you said it)
• 2nd level: acknowledged (the opposite sex or others are saying it back to you)
• 3rd level is experienced (it happened and was acknowledged to others; you are known for it by others).

The GET RELATED not DATED exercise involved a wheel chart I devised that looks like the sample of my chart to the left. Might be too small for your to see but I used the thought and talk bubbles in the DRAW tool in Word to capture conversations (monologue-1st level or dialogues-2nd and 3rd levels of commitment). You had to be there to get the full experience.

It's clear that I aspire to create audio podcasts from these events. Videopodcasting might be too intrusive. Anyone interested in assisting with this, contact me! Looking for partners in this game!!

I wish I could share all the intimacy, breakthrough insights, and love that was in the room last night. It was wonderful.
Let me share some of the basic feedback from my surveys from the end of the evening.

SCALE: 1 = Strongly disagree 3 = neutral 5 = Strongly agree
A. This evening was delightful and worth my time 4.8/5.0 = 96%
B. I experienced intimacy with the opposite sex 4.3/5.0 = 86%
C. I would recommend this event to friends/family 4.6/5.0 = 93%

About the guests: 3 females, 5 males

7 single, 1 divorced
Ages: 1 - 20s, 5 - 30s, 2 - 40s
Results thus far from participating: 2 of the men in the group are now in committed relationships since coming to SWTOS, 1 of the returning women is dating successfully towards being in a committed relationship, 1 women who is new to the group, her second time, is now in a committed relationship with another member.

Comments from the Surveys:

• Male, 30-39: "Real intimacy!"
• Male 40-40: "This core group gives insights that are useful & practical to day to day relationships."
• Female 30-39: "This gets people talking & moving forward."
• Male 20-29: "Got real flexible, deep life coaching."

I am committing myself to expanding this venture and getting it out to more people who I know would absolutely love the experience of sharing and the opportunity to invite feedback in areas where you are aspiring to be committed. We didn't just talk about romance and dating. It included career/business, social networking and communication, and even body image. One brother shared from his WHEEL OF COMMITMENT that he is aspiring to have have more guy friends and put that in a aspiring thought bubble.

I know I am onto something with this venture called SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM). How to grow the venture into a thriving business is my next step.

True love

Several times in my life I've felt I met a "soulmate" or felt like I met the one. I totally acknowledge that I believe there are many men who have captivated me to feel touched by their heart and soul or whom I touched with mine. There is no single soulmate out there in the 6.7 billion people on the planet but many people you might truly love in a lifetime.

A few weeks ago, I reunited with one of them. This man makes my heart, mind and soul sing when I am with him. When we are apart, however, it seems like I don't exist for him. He's called me once since we went out on a remarkable date after two years. It was as if two years hadn't passed. But he only called once since then. I've called a few times but memories of the past, of calling with no response have resurfaced and I want to be chased rather than chasing after men who seem like soulmates, say they feel soulmate with me, but don't deliver the actions that go with finding a soulmate--staying connected and seeking after true love if it's available.

I remember telling him that I intend to be married within the next nine months. I also now recall in hindsight that the last time any serious relationship conversation was shared between
us, two years passed. What gets me is that we click! Why is intimacy of that nature so abhorred by men and women today? I see myself in him in many ways. If you really, really, really are available to me, I'll get scared and do something to mess things up. (Run away! Run away!)

We human beings are characters in a play we keep scripting and then not wanting to follow the script we wrote. So I have to admit, I've gone back to being resigned with this particular guy. He's an extraordinary man. Really, truly remarkable and the more I seem to share my view of him, the more distant he becomes. Makes you want to regret sharing, but I'll never stop but I'll also move on to share with others where the sharing is mutual and constant.

What I want it to be open no matter what. To be willing and able to love and cherish. To be longed for and wanted and to be deliciously happy and growing beyond my self with another.
I know it will take something but I also am standing for that it will happen for me and anyone in my community who wants that too.

NOV 2: Designing an Owner's Manual for healthy black relationships

Another remarkable, laughter-filled, seriously engaging conversation and delightful crowd. There were 5 men and 5 women defying any of the talk about there not being enough men. We didn't start on time (black folks!) but we were right on time with the expected results. Folks got present to what using the design of an OWNER'S MANUAL can provide for oneself and for the people in your life you intend to be intimate with at work, at home and in your romantic encounters.

closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together; "their closeness grew as the night wore on"

Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.

In concert hall acoustics, a venue is said to have "acoustical intimacy" if music played in it gives the impression of being played in a small hall.

These events are really an antidote to wasting $35-40 at speed dating where you get some names and numbers, some primping and prowling, and maybe a drink in some impersonal public venue. Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated(TM) is a fun and engaging way to foster healthy relationships between men and women in our black communities.

AT NOVEMBER'S EVENT: We talked about your owner's manual being a tool to inform yourself and others what's need for you to operate at optimum performance and what trouble-shooting should be done if you have a "flat tire" (A man needs 30 mins when he comes home from work) or need a "tune-up". What makes your engine run well? (Must have a massage once a month; Must exercise and go to church regularly). All this would be written in your owner's manual and like your car's manual, you may never take it out of the glove compartment but it can be useful in ANY kind of relationship (not just romantic) when unfamiliar drivers need to learn how to really enjoy your ride. Fri Nov 2, we created the preface of your manual so to speak. What is your motto, tagline or core value.

What is your motto, tagline or core value?
Your owner's manual is for the people who come into your intimate life (male or female). Please bring some ideas about your motto/tagline/core value. Here are descriptions of each:

A motto (from Italian) is a phrase or a short list of words meant formally to describe the general motivation or intention of an entity, social group, or organization.

A tagline is a variant of a branding slogan typically used in marketing materials and advertising. The idea behind the concept is to create a memorable phrase that will sum up the tone and premise of a brand or product (like a film), or to reinforce the audience's memory of a product. Some taglines are successful enough to warrant inclusion in popular culture, often becoming snowclones.

Examples of famous movie/television taglines are:
• Love Story ? Love means never having to say you're sorry.
• Star Trek ? To boldly go where no man has gone before.
• The X-Files ? The truth is out there.
• Jaws 2 - Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

"Your core values are the guiding principles that help you make decisions on a daily basis and define what you stand for as a person and a business. You can spend a lot of time haggling over what they are, but what really matters is that you have them and that you allow them to guide you.

Walt Disney's core values, for example, are imagination and wholesomeness" but it is not "customer service". That's Nordstrom's core value. Sony's core values are: "The elevation of the Japanese culture and national status; being a pioneer--not following others--doing the impossible; encouraging individual ability and creativity" (www.jimcollins.com/pdf/Vision_Framework.pdf).

Join us next month on December 7th in Brooklyn for pt. 2 of Designing your own Owner's Manual. For an invitation, check out kyraocity.com/coach.htm or join meetup.com

Welcome to Success with the Opposite Sex's New Blog 9.1.07

Tomorrow we will celebrate two years of Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM). Over 80 people have graced these events that began on the first Friday in August 2005 and continued on the first Friday of every month with a couple of exceptions.

I am hosting a 2nd Anniversary Brunch and introduction as we have launched our efforts on Meetup.com and gained about 10 new interested participants including a married couple. Remember this is not about dating, it's about intimacy and relatedness.

The pic above is from our July event in Bed-Stuy. We usually met in my home or the home of one of our participants. This is like a "tupperware party" for intimacy or a playdate for adults.
To learn more about it, check out my website at kyraocity.com/coach.htm.

I also want to use this blog to introduce you to resources on the web, videos and more that serve as followups or previews of our discussions and exercises.

Here's a video from my favorite organization TECHNOLOGY ENTERTAINMENT & DESIGN. This TED Talk reveals a scientist doing work on ROMANTIC LOVE through MRIs.

The science of love, and the future of women