Valentine's Day & Black Singles Dance

Can't believe I missed posting on Valentine's Day. Had a nice day. Hope you did too. I was asked by Mark Anthony Jenkins of http://www.blacksinglesmagazine.com/ to speak for about 5 minutes on relationships at his Black Singles Dance at the Rebel Nightclub on 30th Street between 7th and 8th Aves in NYC.

I arrived around 7:30pm and there was a decent crowd of men and women with the women dominating. But it was still early I said to myself. Maybe the brothers will bring up the rear and the night will be fantastic, full of interactions and chats and such. But after about 40 mins I saw what I always see at the few events I've been too (I ain't a night crawler yet).

The men and women were dressed well but there was little to no interaction between the two. Groups of 4-5 women had camped out at the booths outlining the place. Men stood close to the bar in small groups or alone. I walked over to a gentleman and asked "So there is all this supply of women, what's up with the demand?" He shared openly that it's hard to break in on women in groups. If one of them gets up to get a drink, then he could make a play if interested. So in terms of economics there was too much of supply so to speak and the dynamic of one-on-one match ups was diminished by the set up as it was. If this gentleman was any indication, men were up against too many women acting like they were quite fine sitting all together rather than perhaps making themselves available by working the room a bit.

This is why I advertise SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (TM) with the following tag:

Tired of speed dating and online waiting?
Tired of talking to the same sex about the same mess?

After seeing first-hand that women and men seemed to have no social skills, no home training about being available, open and interested in the opposite sex, I realized speaking simply about relationships (like sharing data on statistics and simply talking about SWTOS) wasn't going to cut it with this rather non-interested crowd. On the surface, we--I'll include myself--looked like were were ok with not really interacting and getting any real interplay with the opposite sex. We were all playing it safe. So my prepared routine would have flown directly under their radars.

So I took a different approach. I shared what the brother had told me as a kind of entree to getting people to actually interact with one another. I did my POSITIVE FLIRTATION DEVICE exercise. First, I had to get everyone close to the stage. I wanted them willing to play along and the first step was inviting to literally move closer. They were all being stand-offish and aloof, pretending they were fine with the way things were.

I got a good group to participate and I was proud of myself for fulfilling on my intention in a new space with strangers. GET RELATED not DATED (TM).

More to come on this. Will share the exercise and some ideas for the future.

NOTE: There is no March SWTOS event. We will return in April!!
Peace, Kyra

Clichés about the Opposite Sex

I got this image in an email from the secretary in my department of anthropology and sociology at Baruch College. It's amazing that in one quick image we can sum up the clichés we love to use to shorthand stereotypes that we forget often short circuit our experience with the opposite sex. And it is all about circuits given that everything about our interactions is ultimately about choosing to interact, interface, intercourse, and procreate in one way or another from the bedroom to the boardroom.

I've been thinking about how my own relationship to being single and being alone has been short circuiting my heart and my willingness to break out and meet new people in new places. Today someone said you just need to choose being living alone and being single cuz' that's the way it is right now.

TO CHOOSE: to select freely without consideration or reason (Landmark Education).

He also got me to see how much I am a renegade about life and relationships. Gotta always be "this is not it" and "I know better". That leaves me trying to fix and change everyone else or invalidating everything I am.

My coach invited me to consider being a renegade FOR my promise. My promise is being "ready, willing and able to embrace and be empowered by any communication, eye to eye with the oneness of humanity." I think it can be fulfilled for the world by 2036 but it begins with me now.

I love how the men in my life, this coach, men I've been dating, and father figures, have been providing growth and development opportunities for me to get about myself. Women do it too, but it means something for a single woman to get "trained" by the men in her life whom she is and is not romantically engaged with. So I am choosing being alone and being happy in that instead of feeling like "this is not it." Nope, this IS it and life is passing me by the other route. I can be fully present to the not knowing it all but leaving my heart open to be filled with this moment and any other I choose to create including being in a committed partnership.

So what's been going on with my dating. Remember I posted an ad for dates on New Years Eve and I got a few hits and went out on some really nice dates. What I have seen for myself lately is how easily I give up on my dream, how often I force what's not working, how much I lie to myself and others about all that, and how unwilling I am to be straight that I am not fulfilled (like that means something) but staying in communication with this wonderful men I meet. I don't usually meet uninteresting people. That is rare. Some I long to be with. Some I don't. But if I am really going to cause the passionate, romantic, committed parternship that I've dreamed of, I gotta keep playing openly, wholeheartedly and bravely for what's possible not only for me but for all of us -- satisfaction, peaceful, powerful parternships that transform what has been for black men and women whether we are dating each other or every kind of people in the world. So goes black folks, so goes the world.

I started out writing about clichés. It's so easy to say the same thing over and over again and lose sight of you'll never get a different result in your experience if you view it from the same ideas. This is why I say it is essential the in the SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED (TM) events that there are no generalizations. Clichés are a form of generalization.

On the train yesterday, a brother was selling books of his poetry. He held up multiple copies of his self-published pamplets of poetry saying "And this one says..." and he quote a line or two of a poem and flip to the next book "And this one says..."

He got to the third book as the train slowed to stop at the Nostrand Ave stop on the A train towards Brooklyn. "And this one says 'You know how you can tell the difference between an ugly girl and a pretty one?" He pauses. You know how New Yorkers on the train listen but they won't look. He has us and just as the door to the train opens he says "The ugly ones can cook!" A young sister, I'd say an ugly one, but maybe she didn't cook, started up with him and he ran from the car of the train and hopped on to a later car. She was a little salty about it. I kept thinking what offended her? The poem itself offending all women? No. The implication on her? Probably. Whether she was pretty or not is irrelevant in the case I am trying to make. Clichés and generalizations also have predictable reactions that are in some way not at all our own. They have nothing to do with you here and now. It has Everything to do with the past which has no real bearing on what's possible. They thought we'd never go to the moon, fly (see the Wright Brothers), or maybe a closer example is black persons winning presidential elections (We'll see with Obama but even his win in South Carolina is breaking from the past).

I put a quote by Hilary Clinton in my document of quotes. How ironic it is that she said:

“The challenge now is to practice politics as the art of making what appears to be impossible, possible."

The challenge in relationships between black men and women globally speaking (in romance, business, hip-hop, education, parenting, schooling, etc.) is practicing the art of making what appears to be impossible between us possible and clichés can never get us there. But I am looking forward to creating a new cliche about black presidents and black men and women being for each other.

Success with Dating on New Year's Eve

In the area of dating, like the other areas of my life that aren't working as well as I'd like, I have been stuck with "it's all my fault" if things are going bad and "it's all their fault" if it's good.

The week before Christmas I went on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, actually a vacation course with Landmark Education (Part of the Wisdom Division is your familiar with Landmark). The course, led by Landmark Forum Leader and Wisdom Designer Brian Regnier was called HOW TO GET UNSTUCK. The course featured over 150 participants from the US, Canada, the Netherlands, and more. Most were from the US. The ship carried 6000 passengers. It was quite an adventure as we stopped in San Juan, PR; St. Thomas, USVI, and St. Maarten.

It's amazing to see how many people no matter their race, creed, religion, ethnicity or class share being stuck in areas of their lives that are important to them and when you share them together growth and development is available for all involved. During the week it became clear that many of the course participants were stuck with feeling FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET in the area where they were most stuck. Mine changed from day to day during the seven day cruise. First it seemed to be being lonely/single/not married. Then it was my body image and issues about how big my ass is that have plagued me since adolescence. Then is was my inability to finish writing assignments on time/missing deadlines around my scholarship.

We discussed how RESPONSIBILITY is not simply "being willing to experience being cause in the matter". That's important but first you must take a look at those areas that usually drives what we call being responsible but often leaves us not taking action. RESPONSIBILITY is not FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET. If you can say how it REALLY is for you about who's fault it is, where you feel guilt, blame, shame or regret then truly being responsible arises as a willingness to experience being cause in the matter.

From practicing these two steps, we are able to respond creatively to the matter, just as it is. Free to be and free to act.

WHAT I DISCOVERED FROM THE COURSE and ACTIONS THAT RESULTED:
I got that I really live life like my being overweight, lonely, not married is MY FAULT and that winning a book prize or saving my job this year is SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAULT. Somebody else liked what I did, helped me win the prize, my Dean made sure I won my appeal at work. Ultimately, I keep falling into a conversation of INVALIDATION. My number one stuckness I discovered is INVALIDATION.

When I look at my past relationships, invalidating myself (and the person who dares to like me in the face of that interpretation of myself) has driven me right out of most relationships and some friendships with women. SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (or same sex) is rarely possible with this going on in the background.

Just seeing that made a HUGE difference in my BEING WILLING TO EXPERIENCE being cause in the matter.

So the next thing I did was choose to create having a fun great date on New Year's Eve and I had no date as of Saturday morning before New Years. I posted an ad with a photo on Craig's List (WOMEN SEEKING MAN) for a NYE date. The ad header was

SEXY SBF ISO SBM or other for New Year's Eve Companion - 45.

Yeah I advertised my age and photo! But y'all know I look 30-35!

I got some of the best results ever inside my online dating game and I've been getting random acknowledgments from men who didn't fit my bill but who just loved my ad and let me know.

I had a really fun and engaging date that didn't look anything like what I expected but it fulfilled my intention. I also have other men to date and my conversation about being lonely has all of sudden transformed and my concern about my body image doesn't have a hold on me and I actually gained a few cruise pounds. LOL

In 2008, I will continue to look for and create adventure from Craig's List to flying planes and more. I want folks out to create SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX out there, those who really and truly want to GET RELATED not DATED to consider trying out the practice of being straight about where there is FAULT, BLAME, SHAME, GUILT or REGRET around what matters to you about dating or being in a relationship (or not).

Happy New Year!!