Success with Dating on New Year's Eve

In the area of dating, like the other areas of my life that aren't working as well as I'd like, I have been stuck with "it's all my fault" if things are going bad and "it's all their fault" if it's good.

The week before Christmas I went on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, actually a vacation course with Landmark Education (Part of the Wisdom Division is your familiar with Landmark). The course, led by Landmark Forum Leader and Wisdom Designer Brian Regnier was called HOW TO GET UNSTUCK. The course featured over 150 participants from the US, Canada, the Netherlands, and more. Most were from the US. The ship carried 6000 passengers. It was quite an adventure as we stopped in San Juan, PR; St. Thomas, USVI, and St. Maarten.

It's amazing to see how many people no matter their race, creed, religion, ethnicity or class share being stuck in areas of their lives that are important to them and when you share them together growth and development is available for all involved. During the week it became clear that many of the course participants were stuck with feeling FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET in the area where they were most stuck. Mine changed from day to day during the seven day cruise. First it seemed to be being lonely/single/not married. Then it was my body image and issues about how big my ass is that have plagued me since adolescence. Then is was my inability to finish writing assignments on time/missing deadlines around my scholarship.

We discussed how RESPONSIBILITY is not simply "being willing to experience being cause in the matter". That's important but first you must take a look at those areas that usually drives what we call being responsible but often leaves us not taking action. RESPONSIBILITY is not FAULT, GUILT, BLAME, SHAME, or REGRET. If you can say how it REALLY is for you about who's fault it is, where you feel guilt, blame, shame or regret then truly being responsible arises as a willingness to experience being cause in the matter.

From practicing these two steps, we are able to respond creatively to the matter, just as it is. Free to be and free to act.

WHAT I DISCOVERED FROM THE COURSE and ACTIONS THAT RESULTED:
I got that I really live life like my being overweight, lonely, not married is MY FAULT and that winning a book prize or saving my job this year is SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAULT. Somebody else liked what I did, helped me win the prize, my Dean made sure I won my appeal at work. Ultimately, I keep falling into a conversation of INVALIDATION. My number one stuckness I discovered is INVALIDATION.

When I look at my past relationships, invalidating myself (and the person who dares to like me in the face of that interpretation of myself) has driven me right out of most relationships and some friendships with women. SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX (or same sex) is rarely possible with this going on in the background.

Just seeing that made a HUGE difference in my BEING WILLING TO EXPERIENCE being cause in the matter.

So the next thing I did was choose to create having a fun great date on New Year's Eve and I had no date as of Saturday morning before New Years. I posted an ad with a photo on Craig's List (WOMEN SEEKING MAN) for a NYE date. The ad header was

SEXY SBF ISO SBM or other for New Year's Eve Companion - 45.

Yeah I advertised my age and photo! But y'all know I look 30-35!

I got some of the best results ever inside my online dating game and I've been getting random acknowledgments from men who didn't fit my bill but who just loved my ad and let me know.

I had a really fun and engaging date that didn't look anything like what I expected but it fulfilled my intention. I also have other men to date and my conversation about being lonely has all of sudden transformed and my concern about my body image doesn't have a hold on me and I actually gained a few cruise pounds. LOL

In 2008, I will continue to look for and create adventure from Craig's List to flying planes and more. I want folks out to create SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX out there, those who really and truly want to GET RELATED not DATED to consider trying out the practice of being straight about where there is FAULT, BLAME, SHAME, GUILT or REGRET around what matters to you about dating or being in a relationship (or not).

Happy New Year!!

COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck...Waiting?

January 2008!
Our next theme is COMMITMENT: Where Are You Stuck?
For two months, I've been developing a series on how to DESIGN YOUR OWN OWNER'S MANUAL for relationships. Out of a breakdown and a breakthough, I discovered the foundation for that conversation: Exploring where you have been stuck around your commitment to be in a relationship.

For me it has been in being lonely, giving up/resigned, disliking my body image, and the clich being single. Would you be willing to face where you are stuck openly in conversation with others? Take courage, but I promise you a breakthrough like no other.

Why pay $35 for this Brooklyn event?
Most people pay $35-40 for a night of speed dating.
You get some nice chit-chat, maybe a number and a call. Even fewer get a date. But most get a night out at best. This is worth your time and money and you'll want to come again and again to be with people of the opposite sex in a new way.

Light snack, wine and a great sense of intimacy like you don't experience with people you've known all your life. Join us! Click the red MEETUP button to the left for more info.

NYT : 2008 Speed Dating Study Finds SBF only seeks BM (4/13/07)



Many black women I know complain about their resentment when they see black men with white women. In the Oprah clip above, Oprah suggests that black men are not available "the numbers just don't pan out". Actually a Speed Dating research study published in 2008 (Review of Economic Studies 75, 117–132) showed a strong preference among black women for same-sex romance. By contrast, men of all races do not hold the same view and are open to interracial dating. So perhaps it is not about black men but rather about what black women prefer and are waiting for. Maybe we should explore more.

The study included Columbia graduate students of white, black, Asian and Hispanic descent. It considered state and country of origin as well.
Here are some key findings:

- "black women strongly prefer men of their own race, while black men do not exhibit a significant preference for black women over others" (caution: based on a small sample).

- "same-race preferences are negatively correlated with education" (in other words, the more educated you are, the more open to interracial dating)

- "Men are generally willing to date someone of another race, but women are more reluctant, especially African-American women."

- "Older subjects and more physically attractive subjects exhibit weaker same-race preferences."

- "Attractiveness may play an important role in the determination of racial preferences, especially those against Asian men.... Female Asian partners are consistently rated as less attractive, though we also find that black females receive significantly lower ratings relative to whites."

One may be left with all kinds of reactions and thoughts about these findings. Here are some questions:

What factors contribute to black women being rated as less attractive consistently?
What cultural and historical factors cause us to resist interracial dating in an age where we are less likely to ever mary given that decision?

What do you think?